[Fernando comes out of Chloe's bedroom in his boxers.]
About to sleep with my girlfriend?!
FFernando
OK [as in, "OK, that sounds better.] About to.
S4 E23Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
S4 E24Prostitutes and Gelato
Teddy lives in Denver but he does a lot of business in L.A., so I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.
What's a "pied-à-terre"?
It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".
ACAlan and Charlie
Mom!
Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.
Yeah, but what about us?
Look, Alan, I have no interest in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour.
Why not? He seems like a great guy.
He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had. Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances. No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation, waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!
Charlie, when you get to be my age, most of your friends are either married or dead.
What's the difference?
The dead ones smell up my plane.
Unbelievable. An eighteen-second fight. Takes me longer to start peeing.
As I said, Teddy's fine, but there are some areas in which he just... doesn't measure up... to Hugo.
ACAlan and Charlie
Oh, Mom!
It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.
S5 E1Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
[at the shoe store]
How do they feel?
OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.
They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.
Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.
I hope he [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.
Ah, he's smarter than that.
Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.
And-And what about you?
What about me?
You're afraid of everything.
Like what?
Well, let's see. Germs, change, commitment, opening your eyes under water, angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends, large birds, spiders, and mom.
Hold on. Hold on a sec. I am not afraid to open my eyes under water. I'm just sensitive to chlorine. And for the record, it's just when birds get indoors. In the sky, I got no problem.
Fine, fine. Live in denial. I'm gonna try and straighten my kid out.
Charlie: And what sane person is not afraid of spiders.
Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.
IDIndian doctor
We have a saying in my country. "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, but still a goat. "
Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"
S5 E2Media Room Slash Dungeon
Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Charlie, what about you?
I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.
Now, I have been to a lot of these things with Mom, and I know you think it's gonna be bad, but believe me, it's gonna be worse than you can even imagine.
You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You just love seeing me unhappy.
Yeah. I mean, did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?
That was different.
How?
It was you.
Yeah, well, now it's you. Yippie-ki-yay, mother-accompanier.
She [Evelyn] can be a cranky drunk.
Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.
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