TV show quotes
Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty-two different women in my life. And you know what? It's never been me.
OK, it's you. Feel better?
Actually, no.
You're a very nice guy...
No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?
Yes, they finish last.
No, they finish in the shower.
Hey, Berta? You're a woman.
Where are we going with this, Zippy?
I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.
Where the hell should I go?
Out the window.
Are you crazy? I'm not going out the window.
He's an ex-Marine.
I'm going out the window.
Hey, if you two [birds] don't have any other plans, why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl and take a crap on my brother?
A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.
He doesn't?
No, he doesn't.
Can't we ask him?
Don't bother. I know what he'll say.
OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?
I can't believe it. You're nervous about a date.
Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!
Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.
Oh, I hardly think so.
All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...
Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!
Does that make a difference?
It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!
Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman. It happens. Believe me, it happens! And when it does, the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and curse God for making you the way you are.
All right, forget it, I don't need you. I'll call her [Linda] myself. [leaves]
Alan [to God]: Sorry about the "curse God" stuff. But we both know I'm not your best work.
Charlie [leaving Linda a voicemail message]: I figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order.
Where are you going?
I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.
Berta [sings]: And the skies are not cloudy all day.
Thank you for a lovely dinner.
You're welcome. [they kiss]
Good night.
Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?
I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.
Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.
Well, then, go tuck yourself.
I guess I'll have to.
Hot girl at twelve o'clock.
Where?
Over there.
That would be nine o'clock.
No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12:05. Twelve-ish.
You want to straighten him out, or should I?
Go ahead, take a swing.
OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.
What if you have a digital watch?
First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.
Why is he [Charlie] dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?
No, more like he's trying to get into something.
Good one.
You understood that?
Not really. That's how I knew it was good.
[Alan is naked besides a towel around his waist, and two clippers on his nipples]
Charlie?
What?
I need your help.
If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.
No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.
Yeah, so?
I'm out of notches.
Fine, what do you need?
A younger man's penis.
[knocks on the door]
Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?
Room service, señor.
We didn't order anything.
Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.
Can you slip it under the door?
Everyone's using old rock songs now. They're not gonna hire a guy like me to write a jingle for tampons when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle With You".
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
