Two and a Half Men quotes

Alan

[Outside the hospital's emergency room] Damn it! What kind of a hospital is this? Where the hell are the doctors? That's my brother in there! If he dies, I'M HOMELESS! [Enters the emergency room] Uhh...everything's fine. They're just gonna run some tests. Not to worry.

Charlie

[Who thinks he is going to die] Easy for you to say. Listen, Alan, if I don't make it, you need to know about my will.

Alan

Hey, I don't want to hear that kind of talk, you're gonna make it, but...go on, finish what you were saying.

Charlie

First of all, I left the house to you and Jake.

Alan

Yes!! [Charlie looks at him].... you're gonna make it!

Charlie

Just so you know, there's two mortgages on it and the property taxes are $50,000 a year.

Alan

Uhh...$50,000. [whistles] Eh, excuse me. [steps outside and yells] Do you got a flatline to get a little help around here?! Do you need to move to Canada to get some decent medical care?! [enters the emergency room] They'll be right over. So, uh-uh, 50 grand, huh? Boy, I don't know how I can afford that. Y'know, if I came into some money, an inheritance, or something.

Charlie

There's no money, Alan.

Alan

N-None?

Charlie

The whole thing's a house of cards.

Alan

Huh. [steps outside and yells] Okay, I did not want to have to do this, but I am Matthew Broderick! And that is my brother lying there!

I am so sorry, Mr. Broderick. I love you in The Producers.

Alan

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! *walks to the piano* C-Sharp! C-Sharp is the sound of approaching deafness!!

Charlie

Listen to you, you're like an old man.

Alan

I can't listen to me. All I hear is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Alan

You'll going to Mom's funeral, won't you?

Charlie

Of course! As the eldest son it's my obligation to pound in the stake.

Alan

Typical. Nothing for Alan to do.

Charlie

OK, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.

Jake

Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!

Alan

Excuse me?

Charlie

He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.

Jake

For shizzle, my dizzle

Berta

Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.

Alan

What is it?

Jake

It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?

Berta

You said it Poop Dog.

Have you considered a nice perfume [for Evelyn]? Do you know her scent?

Alan

Uh, actually, I don't.

Charlie

I do.

Alan

You do?

Charlie

Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?

Jake

So, do you have a PlayStation or an Xbox?

I have a cello.

Jake

What do you play on that?

Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich.

Jake

So... no Grand Theft Auto?

Jake

No offense, but "Smoke on the Water" does not begin with "Crap on the Water".

My apologies.

Alan

I'm just saying, maybe they have something that we don't and that's why she wants them.

Charlie

Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?

Jake

Yo man! This bling is off the hook!

Charlie

Hey Jake, you're a pasty, white kid, start acting like one!

Evelyn, we have a surprise for you. Changpu is going to play his cello.

Jake

What the heck?

Charlie

Shhh, Shampoo's about to play his cello.

Alan

Knock 'em dead at the audition.

Kandi

Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.

Charlie

Now you know why Alan wears it.

Charlie

Hey, what's your hurry? If she [Kandi] becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony!

Alan

Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!

Jake

I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.

Charlie

All right, look, it doesn't help to whine about it. If you wanna get lost in the woods with Jerky Gerkenheimer, go do it.

Alan

My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?

Charlie

Actually, it's more of a limerick. There once was a moron named Al, who wanted to camp with his pal... Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?

Alan

[About Jake growing up] Pretty soon there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes. Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing, or camping, or hunting?

Charlie

Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?

Alan

No, I thought we would learn together.

Charlie

Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.

Jake

Hey, Dad, when this is over, wanna play catch?

Alan

It's dark out.

Jake

Okay. [to Charlie] I tried.