(Imitating Harry Potter) 'Ello ladies!
S4 E18It Never Rains in Hooterville
S4 E19Smooth as a Ken Doll
What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.
Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!
Exactly. And you know what that means?
You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?
Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.
[Alan rings the doorbell]
You wanna get the door, Herb?
Stop yelling at me!
I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!
You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]
Herb [answering the door]: Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.
Herb, is this a bad time?
The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.
[Herb is taking the garbage out per Judith's orders while Judith is yelling at Charlie and Myra]
WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME??!!
(from outside) I'M DOING IT!!! LOOK!!!
[Repeated line] You're sugar-coating Hell, Alan.
Myra [to Alan]: So how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his?
Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.
Not in my house.
Alan [to Judith on the phone]: I'll tell him [Charlie] to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the earth not to spin, and you to STOP NAGGING ME! [hangs up] Oh, boy, I'm gonna pay for that.
You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.
Excuse me?
When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.
You know, Charlie, there's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you.
That's good, because I'd hate to have to stand on line.
MMyra
[About why Judith doesn't like her] Maybe it's hair, maybe it's my job, maybe it's my hobbies or maybe it's because I offered my brother a thousand dollars not to marry her.
I know what you mean. I did the same to my brother.
MMyra
Really?
Well, actually it was a thousand dollar hooker.
S4 E20Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
[after Alan finds out that Myra was sleeping with Charlie]
OK, um, let me just start, uh, by saying I applaud the, uh, the gusto with which you approach life.
Thank you.
Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your FREAKIN' MIND?!
Beg pardon?
You just could not control yourself; 'A female is in the house, she must be mounted!'
No, it's not like that at all, and why do you even care?
Why?! You ask me why?! I will tell you why: because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!
Oh, that's ridiculous!
Ridiculous, you say? Alright, alright let's look at the record. You slept with Judith's sister...
Well yeah-
At my wedding reception! You had more sex on my wedding day that I did!
That part's not my fault!
Ok, let's jump ahead. When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?!
Hold on, that chick was nuts!
I lost everything!
To be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with!
I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Because you're going to your mother's wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo.
This relationship isn't based on sex!
Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats Bourbon and farts $100 bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?
OK, listen, we-- we haven't really, uh, talked about what all this means.
What what means?
All the big changes that are happening.
It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.
[Alan and Herb's ex-fiancée are locked in the coatroom during Herb and Judith's wedding. Alan is trying to break out.]
Woman [loudly so the wedding can hear her]: Oh, Alan Harper, you animal! I can't believe Judith let you go! Oh, God, Alan Harper, oh, God! Oh, don't stop, Alan Harper! Please don't stop! Oh, Alan Harper, I feel like a woman again!
Alan [busting into the wedding]: I'm Alan Harper, and I'm not having sex!
[Alan is drinking in the dark]
How was the reception?
Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. But you'll be happy to know your little outburst is already on YouTube.
Damn camera phones.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.