Why would I hit on Taylor's mom?
Well, she's kind of pretty, and you'll hit on anything with a pulse.
Where'd you get that?
My mom.
Oh. Well...
And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma...
OK, OK!
...the UPS man...
All right!
S4 E8Release the Dogs
S4 E9Corey's Been Dead for an Hour
[in line at the movie theater]
So, what do you want?
Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.
What are you doing, building an ass bomb?
NNina
This is such a beautiful restaurant. They don't have anything like this back home.
Really? They-- they don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?
NNina
Oh, well, yeah, I mean we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's. But you never see movie stars like we do here.
VVicki
Nina, they're just regular people.
And technically, I-- I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star.
[in the men's room]
No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.
Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.
I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing 'cause I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap!
You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.
You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.
You don't understand. The money isn't for me.
Really? Who's it for?
Old Alan.
Old Alan?
Yeah, you know, the Alan of the future.
You're kidding, they're still gonna have Alans in the future?
No, see, [sighs] the thing is, [sighs] I've been going through kind of a rough financial time since... well, high school. Anyway, it-- it occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to take care of me. I mean, who will Old Alan be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport.
[To Jake because he and Alan are going out] Don't burn the house down and if you do, don't be here when I get back.
S4 E10Kissing Abraham Lincoln
So you understand the situation?
I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?
We had fun last night, though, right?
Lydia [sarcastically]: Oh, terrific. What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Well, that explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln.
[Lydia is in the shower]
I couldn't help but notice that you, uh, put some of your stuff in one of my drawers.
Yeah. Hey, you want to come in here and make up for last night?
Yeah, but I think we should talk about this drawer thing.
OK. [she opens the shower curtain to reveal her nude self to Charlie] Talk.
Charlie [undressing]: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation...
But I don't want to sell the condo. I can see boats from here.
I understand, but I can't afford the payments.
Kandi [assertively]: I like boats!
[about doing laundry] OK, OK, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.
It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. Let's start by separating her delicates.
How is that not like a cocktail waitress?
[trying to ignore Charlie] The reason you need to do these separately is they're mostly synthetic.
Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband and we're back to cocktail waitress!
[while doing laundry]
What will they think of next?
Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. Shh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what?
We wait.
How will we know when we're done?
Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone.
You know what? We need to work on our communication skills.
You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--
[interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!
Okay, she [Lydia] has some faults, but you have to admit she does have her benefits.
Yeah? Well I aint hitting any of them benefits so I don't care.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.