TV show quotes
All right, she [Lydia] might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
She must be dynamite in the sack.
Where do you get this stuff from?
Cinemax.
Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--
It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?
Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him] HBO.
What do you do? I mean, besides my son.
I'm in real estate.
How interesting, so am I.
Oh, yes, Evelyn Harper! I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.
Well, dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too.
So Charlie, how long have you been seeing this... lovely woman?
Er...how long has it been, sweetie?
Are you telling me you don't remember when we met?
The way he drinks?! There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs!
Did his father drink?
What choice did he have?!
Charlie, it's OK. You've been working out your maternal issues by having sex with other women your entire life. All you're doing now is cutting out the middle man.
Oh, that is just sick!
My point exactly.
[She's pregnant] Hi.
Hi.
Yeah... I'm not sure I have the right address.
No, you got the right address. Charlie, it's for you!
Who is it?
Karma!
What?
Your chickens have come home to roost.
Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking...
[Charlie sees Naomi]
Ohhhhhh. Charlie, it's for you!
Hey... Great...to see you...again.
Yeah, I don't think we've met.
Really?
Really.
(Shoves Alan) Are you trying to give me a stroke?!?
Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from Heaven and landed on a married man's penis.
When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I-- I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but... she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]
OK, seriously, you got to stop that.
I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.
Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.
The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?
No, the repeated blows to his unformed head.
You are-- are such an idiot. All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby.
Experts, schmexperts. Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog. See how you like it.
Can we pull over for a minute?
In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left right up here.
That's not a road.
Well, not during rainy season.
[Charlie looks at the trash cans outside Ronald's shack]
Lot of cold medicine. They must have allergies or something.
You don't watch 60 Minutes, do you?
[Berta knocks on the door. Ronald answers]
What?
You Ronald?
No.
Darlene [inside]: Ronald, who is it?
Damn it, Darlene! We're incognito, remember? [to Charlie and Berta]: You cops?
Yeah. I'm Scully; this is Mulder.
At least this clown didn't ask if I was Jewish.
I-- I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. I-- I haven't slept in two days.
Why don't you take a pill?
He doesn't believe in pills.
How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!
Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.
Can't get what up?
He's [Jake] growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money -- not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags! [he leaves the kitchen]
I do like fries.
Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!
Well, since you said "please".
You dozed off for 40 minutes, Alan.
You're gonna charge me for that?!
I was awake.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
