Hi, Alan. How are you?
About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.
S3 E20Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
Kandi's told me so many nice things about you.
How do you know Kandi?
She's my daughter.
Your daughter? Sweet whistlin' Geronimo! (to Charlie and Alan) You people are like a box of hamsters, just crawling all over each other!
S3 E21And the Plot Moistens
Forget it, Alan. I only do the après sex chat with people I've just had sex with.
Come on, she's [Kandi] playing Family Feud with her toes!
I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples!
But I-- I need to communicate after lovemaking. I-- I need to share.
Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinkin' a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo!
Fine. [walks away from Charlie toward Berta] Hey, Berta, how's it going?
Back off, Zippy. If you want pillow talk, you gotta spoon me first.
Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him [Jake].
Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.
You like classic rock, right?
Right.
OK, well, pick a band.
How about Queen?
Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.
Charlie [after Jake's off-key rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody"]: Kid's a double threat. Tone-deaf and arrogant.
Alan [while playing Scrabble with Francine]: Oh, boy. I have more vowels than a Honolulu phone book.
Judith [noticing Kandi's new diamond necklace]: Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave me a diamond necklace.
Yeah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.
S3 E22Just Once With Aunt Sophie
Let me give you an example. Jake's at a party. All the boys are on one side of the room, all the girls are on the other. What's he do?
Um...
You see? You see? Right there. That "Um..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.
Define "chronic".
Face it Alan. What can you bring to the table other than a lifetime of failure with women?
It's not a lifetime yet!
I, on the other hand have a wealth of experience.
He's [Jake's] twelve! He doesn't need to know how to choreograph a three-way!
Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. He's been cutting my hair for years.
Well, what if I don't want to look like you?
What's wrong with the way I look?
Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.
I'm buying the little wiseass a $75 haircut, and he's taking shots at me?!
You said it yourself: He has to find his own look.
Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard!
Come on, look at his point of view.
What's his point of view?
Well, put overalls on you, and you do look kind of like the Big Boy. Stand like this for me: [poses like a Big Boy statue]
Nevertheless, I am Jake's father, and I believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.
I agree, childhood should be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.
Oh, really?
Think of it as musical chairs, but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sitting on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue? They'll spend their teenage years-- well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.
Charlie, be serious. I remember how nervous I was about my first boy-girl party.
Oh yeah, that was in college, wasn't it?"
S3 E23Arguments for the Quickie
Oh, yeah, she [Mia] wants us to come see her dance next weekend.
It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.
Oh, I guess she called last weekend.
You're telling me this now?!
Charlie, Charlie, calm down.
How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!
She said some guy named Will has tickets.
Charlie [sighs]: Who's Will?
I don't know. She said he'd call.
Will's gonna call?
You mean the tickets are at will call?
I don't know, maybe.
Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.