Hey, Alan. [to Jake]: Matey.
I'm not a pirate.
You're not a gangsta, either. You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. [takes it off]
Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.
S3 E23Arguments for the Quickie
Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while?
Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.
I remember.
Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.
I remember.
Or there could be other women there.
I remember.
All right, then... how about a quickie for old times' sake?
Mia [giggles]: Please. Charlie, I think you're a terrific guy. You're smart, and handsome, and talented...
All good arguments for the quickie.
Charlie, The reason I came here is... I want your sperm.
Alright, where do you want it?
So, so why did Mia come to you [for sperm]?
Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.
Which pretty much leaves you.
Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.
[Charlie is in a sperm bank donor room]
Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.
Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!
S3 E24That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Did she [Rose] just use the front door?
Alan [staring in disbelief]: Uh-huh.
She never used the front door before.
Alan [still staring in disbelief]: Uh-uh. What happened out there?
Well, I, I, I told her I was going to marry Mia and I think I could actually see her medication stop working.
What do you think she's gonna do?
The question isn't what, it's when, and how I'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles glued to my ass crack.
I just found my old wedding folder, and guess what was in it.
The claim check for your manhood?
As I was saying, it's all here, everything you could possibly need for your big day, from paper samples for your announcements, to selected verses of romantic poetry well suited for wedding vows.
And you wonder why people think you're gay?
My dad called today; he wants to take your family out to dinner.
Yeah, well tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!
Come on Charlie, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later.
Ok, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?
What's happier than a wedding?
Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind! There'll be music, dancing...my mom'll be in a box!
Well, looks who's here, the Bride of Drunkenstein.
Look. [Mia shows her engagement ring to Berta]
Wow, that's quite a rock. You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood? Stumpy.
[Mia looks at Charlie]
What are you looking at me for? Just stay out of her neighborhood!
Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.
I can read, Mom.
Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.
We can never go back, Jake.
Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.
Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.
Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?
I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.
Um, Mom...?
Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!
I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.
Yeah, So does Disneyland.
What can I say? Marriage is a great ride... 'til you puke.
[Alan and Kandi are getting married, and Charlie and Mia have just broken up because Mia wants Alan and Jake to move out.]
I don't freakin' believe it.
Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!
I don't freakin' believe it!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.