I'm gonna tell you something that'll serve you well for your entire life.
Like when you're peeing outside, always face downwind?
Better. By the way, what the hell were you thinking?
I was thinking, "Boy, I hope that's really warm rain."
S3 E5We Called It Mr. Pinky
Say what you want about me, but at least I've never chosen to have women in my life who do nothing but mistreat me.
Berta [walking into the kitchen]: Hey, stud, I don't know what kind of sick, twisted party you had in your bedroom the last couple of days, but I sure as hell ain't cleaning it up! [leaves; Alan stares at Charlie]
That is different. Way different.
Are you aware that I'm a misogynist?
Really? I raised you Episcopalian.
This isn't funny! My anger and mistrust towards women starts with you, which wasn't a problem until it spilled over into my sex life.
So, you're blaming Mummy because Little Charlie can't come out and play?
OK, first of all, we don't call it "Little Charlie"!
What do we call it, darling?
We don't call it anything!
Well, when you were a baby, we called it "Mr. Pinky".
I may never have sex again.
Oh, wait a sec, Mr. Pinky was the cat. What did we call your penis?
[Jake made cupcakes for Alan and Charlie]
It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?
I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.
Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.
Anybody want to lick the beater?
ACAlan and Charlie
No.
S3 E6Hi, Mr. Horned One
Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but we try to keep the house smoke-free.
I'm sorry. [she puts her cigarette out in Jake's cereal] Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.
Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis.
Alan [on the phone]: I-- I don't think so, Mom. First of all, I-- I'm just not a big fan of costume parties. Yeah, Jake likes The Wizard of Oz, but I-- I just don't think he'd enjoy hanging out with a bunch of drunken real estate agents dressed like Judy Garland. [pause] Oh, OK, I'll get him. [to Charlie]: Mom wants to ask you something.
Charlie [on the phone]: Hi, Mom, no! [hangs up]
Do you have any idea what Isabella is really into?
So she's a little kinky!
No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.
Did you really think that you could just end this?
I was kinda hoping.
Dont you realize that our souls are now bound together destined to writhe ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?
[to Alan] Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?
[seeing Alan's swollen eye] Great googooly moogoolies! What the hell happened to you?
I'm not sure..
Looks like you got bitten in the face by one of them Ebola monkeys.
I don't think so, Berta.
I mean, you were not exactly eye candy going in but... now. Woof! You could scare the flies off a manure truck!
Simply out of curiosity: What exactly is this curse? What should I be on the lookout for?
Your crops will wither in the field.
Yeah, okay.
Your cattle will sicken and die.
[not impressed] Aha.
Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk.
I gotta fold here, Alan. Okay, you got me. What do you say we call the girls over and start spawning baby Gilgamesh?!
S3 E7Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
OK, now it's time for party games.
I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".
[After Charlie wakes up after a night in bed with Rose]
What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!
I'll tell you right now, you're swabbing on your own nail polish remover this time!
That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta!
Uncle Charlie?
Yeah, buddy.
You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.
Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool! I could be the best man, carry the ring for you and the medication for her. Do pharmacies have bridal registries? Hey, have-- have you guys talked about having kids? Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny, crazy-ass feet? [to Jake]: No, he's not gonna marry Rose.
Why not? He's already getting sex from her.
Jake, Jake, the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.
Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.
[Charlie opens the front door to find Evelyn using her cellphone]
Alan [on the phone]: Hello?
Alan! Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. [Alan turns around to see Evelyn at the door] Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced so I-- I thought I'd call first.
I'll let him know. [hangs up the phone] Charlie, Mom's coming over!
Charlie [looking straight at Evelyn]: Tell her I'm not here.
HHarvey
Well, you know, you do the best you can to raise them [children], and in the end, they drive down life's highway on their own.
Isn't that the truth? I think God gives us children so death won't come as such a disappointment.
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