TV show quotes
I just have to accept the fact that I-- I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only cares about what lies between the two.
OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.
[at Alan's chiropractic office]
So this is where you come every day, huh?
Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?
I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.
OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."
So right off the bat, I lie?
I am a doctor, Charlie.
Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.
[Alan realizes the buxom woman sitting next to him outside the principal's office is the mother of the subject of Jake's drawing]
Oh, (laughs), you must be Boobra's mom.
(instantly realizes his Freudian slip, tries to recover with:)
Barbara's mams.
(shuts his eyes in embarrassment, then greets her with a sheepish:)
Hi!
You know, in some countries, you're innocent until proven guilty.
You confessed!
Oh, yeah.
And that country you're thinking of is this one, genius!
[large chested, scary housekeeper, sternly talks to Jake] So, you like making fun of girls with big boobs.
[looking pale into her large breasts] Not any more.
OK, OK, I had hoped that we could have a spirited exchange of ideas here, but if we are going to just degenerate into name calling, perhaps we should wait for the principal to decide what a reasonable punishment for my son would be.
[Barbara Schmidt's busty mother] Fine. We'll let the principal decide.
[The principal, another large-breasted woman, enters the hall from her office]
I'm Principal Gallagher.
[defeated] Oh, God, my boy's going to get the chair.
You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.
In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.
Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.
Alan, sweetheart, you know I only want the best for you, right?
Uh...
I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.
You had other options?
Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.
And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.
What if he [Jake] comes back? Maybe I should go.
Or we could, uh, go upstairs and get in bed.
Bed? Our old bed?
My new bed.
What was wrong with the old one?
Too many memories.
Of what? You pretending to sleep and me watching Letterman?
What are you doing?
Masticating.
What?
Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.
What do you think I think?
Jake [smiling]: You know...
Do you mind if I take your room?
My room? Gee, I, I--
Trust me, you want me to have a room with a private crapper.
Incredible! I've been living here for two years, and you still consider me a houseguest.
No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.
Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.
You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie, women Charlie sleeps with, Charlie's bookie, women Charlie hopes to sleep with, termites, me!
Well, that's just not right.
Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I-I-I can't really afford my own place. I mean, I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach, unless the beach was Guadalcanal.
It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.
Oh, this looks interesting: "Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood." Wh-- what does that mean, uh, "up-and-coming neighborhood"?
It means the realtor couldn't move the house saying "drug-ravaged battlefield".
You know, I-- I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise than king of a urine-soaked firetrap next to Burbank Airport!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
