Two and a Half Men quotes

Harvey, how many times have I told you not to leave an estate without telling me?

Aw, mom...

Get in the car, we're going home.

But mom, we're getting married!

To this trash? I don't think so.

Excuse me?

Charlie

Roll with it, Mom.

I'm counting to three, Harvey. One... Two...

I'm going. I'm going.

Keep the robe.

Thanks. I'm not wearing pants.

Harvey, do I have to put you on my knees?

I'm going. I'm going.

He's really a good boy, but these things happen when you marry a first cousin.

Charlie

I'd say they're lucky to have opposable thumbs.

Charlie

Look, if you knew me at all and shut me down, it would be one thing, but to be dismissed on a simple "hello", well, that's a tough pill to swallow.

Mia

Would you rather I give it to you in a suppository?

Charlie

Well, to be perfectly honest...

Mia

Good-bye. [leaves]

Alan

Hey, hey, did you hear that?

Charlie

What?

Alan

It's a... it's a fat lady, and she's... singing.

Charlie

You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?

Alan

Charlie, Elvis has left the building! I mean, giving up is a little moot at this point.

Charlie

Yeah, well, that kind of attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.

Alan

Stay out of my room.

Alan

Just 'cause you're reading a dance magazine doesn't make you a dancer.

Berta

Why not? You're a monster boob.

Alan

Will you both stay out of my room?!

Alan

And you, wh-- why do you enable this behavior?

Berta

Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America. [starts singing "America the Beautiful"]

Mia

OK, let's start first position. Jake, do you know first position?

Jake

Is that like missionary position?

Mia

Your uncle and I would like to spend some alone time together.

Jake

Oh... all right.

Charlie

You want me to tuck you in?

Jake

I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!

Are you related to that dreadful Charlie?

Alan

My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.

Well, Alan, uh, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway. I assume it belongs to one of your brother's "hooers."

Alan

One of his what?

Hooers. Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of hooers.

Alan

Oh, whores! Uh, well, in all fairness, most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.

Charlie

What is that old witch doing here?

Alan

Old witch? She's a charming woman!

Charlie

Of course she's charming. They're all charming. That's how they lure you into their houses made out of candy and gingerbread.

Charlie

Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.

Alan

OK, first of all, we're not dating. I am escorting her to a charity event. And second of all, her age is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what inside a person.

Charlie

Yeah, well, the only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.

Alan

She isn't that old, Charlie.

Charlie

Oh, come on, I bet she was an eyewitness to the birth of agriculture.

Alan

Stop it!

Charlie

Her high school graduation picture is probably on a cave wall in France.

Charlie

Hey, If you got her [Norma] pregnant, we can get a full page in Ripley's.

Alan

Give it a rest, Charlie.

Charlie

Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmas was the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!

Charlie

"Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."

Evelyn

Good God.

Jake

Hey, Dad, you're famous!

Alan

Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.

Charlie

Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.

Evelyn

Charlie, don't be disrespectful.

Alan

Thank you, Mom.

Evelyn

So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?

Jake

Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?

Alan

No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.

Alan

Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere "attaboy". Is that too much to ask?

Charlie

Attaboy!

Charlie

You know what that smell is? Epiphany... For Men.

Charlie

You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval. You're still seeking Mom's approval, and you make every woman in the world a substitute Mom.

Alan

But what about you? We had the same mother.

Charlie

Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.

Alan

Oh, how I'll try.