Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Are you sure you're the loser brother?

Alan

That's always been the consensus.

Alan

Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush 'cause I have a penis and a job!

Charlie

Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?

Alan

No, no, you don't understand--

Charlie

I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]

Charlie, are you OK?

Charlie

Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]

He can't find his stalker?

Alan

They're usually in the last place you look.

Alan

Jake, I said no!

Jake

I didn't do it!

Berta

He didn't.

Charlie

What are you staring at?

Jake

Nothing, señor.

Alan

What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!

Charlie

Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.

Alan

Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?

Alan

Oh, let's face it: we're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.

Charlie

MTV? Did they just defrost you?

What have you had to eat recently?

Charlie

Nothing much.

Alan

He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.

Charlie

He asked me what I ate.

Alan

And I told him.

Alan

[Outside Charlie's hospital room] You doctors better help him fast! That's my brother in there! If he dies I'm homeless! [Enters Charlie's room] They're coming soon.

Charlie

[Who thinks he is going to die] Alan I need you to know something about my will. I left the house to you and Jake.

Alan

Yes!!.... You're going to live

Charlie

Yeah, just in case I don't, it has two mortgages and the land costs $50,000 a year.

Alan

So what you're saying is...

Charlie

It's a house of cards, Alan.

Alan

Uh huh. [Steps outside] Do you need to go to Canada to get some decent medical care! Alright you doctors, I didn't wanna have to play this card but I am Matthew Broderick!

Oh Matthew Broderick, I loved you in Family Business! [Enters Charlie's room]]

Alan

[Outside the hospital's emergency room] Damn it! What kind of a hospital is this? Where the hell are the doctors? That's my brother in there! If he dies, I'M HOMELESS! [Enters the emergency room] Uhh...everything's fine. They're just gonna run some tests. Not to worry.

Charlie

[Who thinks he is going to die] Easy for you to say. Listen, Alan, if I don't make it, you need to know about my will.

Alan

Hey, I don't want to hear that kind of talk, you're gonna make it, but...go on, finish what you were saying.

Charlie

First of all, I left the house to you and Jake.

Alan

Yes!! [Charlie looks at him].... you're gonna make it!

Charlie

Just so you know, there's two mortgages on it and the property taxes are $50,000 a year.

Alan

Uhh...$50,000. [whistles] Eh, excuse me. [steps outside and yells] Do you got a flatline to get a little help around here?! Do you need to move to Canada to get some decent medical care?! [enters the emergency room] They'll be right over. So, uh-uh, 50 grand, huh? Boy, I don't know how I can afford that. Y'know, if I came into some money, an inheritance, or something.

Charlie

There's no money, Alan.

Alan

N-None?

Charlie

The whole thing's a house of cards.

Alan

Huh. [steps outside and yells] Okay, I did not want to have to do this, but I am Matthew Broderick! And that is my brother lying there!

I am so sorry, Mr. Broderick. I love you in The Producers.

Alan

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! *walks to the piano* C-Sharp! C-Sharp is the sound of approaching deafness!!

Charlie

Listen to you, you're like an old man.

Alan

I can't listen to me. All I hear is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Alan

You'll going to Mom's funeral, won't you?

Charlie

Of course! As the eldest son it's my obligation to pound in the stake.

Alan

Typical. Nothing for Alan to do.

Charlie

OK, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.

Jake

Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!

Alan

Excuse me?

Charlie

He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.

Jake

For shizzle, my dizzle

Berta

Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.

Alan

What is it?

Jake

It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?

Berta

You said it Poop Dog.

Have you considered a nice perfume [for Evelyn]? Do you know her scent?

Alan

Uh, actually, I don't.

Charlie

I do.

Alan

You do?

Charlie

Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?

Alan

I'm just saying, maybe they have something that we don't and that's why she wants them.

Charlie

Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?

Alan

Knock 'em dead at the audition.

Kandi

Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.

Charlie

Now you know why Alan wears it.

Charlie

Hey, what's your hurry? If she [Kandi] becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony!

Alan

Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!

Jake

I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.