Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

All right, look, it doesn't help to whine about it. If you wanna get lost in the woods with Jerky Gerkenheimer, go do it.

Alan

My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?

Charlie

Actually, it's more of a limerick. There once was a moron named Al, who wanted to camp with his pal... Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?

Alan

[About Jake growing up] Pretty soon there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes. Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing, or camping, or hunting?

Charlie

Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?

Alan

No, I thought we would learn together.

Charlie

Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.

Jake

Hey, Dad, when this is over, wanna play catch?

Alan

It's dark out.

Jake

Okay. [to Charlie] I tried.

Charlie

What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.

Alan

Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?

Charlie

Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!

Alan

Exactly. And you know what that means?

Charlie

You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?

Alan

Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.

Judith

You wanna get the door, Herb?

Herb

Stop yelling at me!

Judith

I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!

Alan

You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]

Alan

Herb, is this a bad time?

Herb

The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.

Berta

You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.

Alan

Excuse me?

Berta

When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.

Alan

You know, Charlie, there's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you.

Charlie

That's good, because I'd hate to have to stand on line.

Alan

OK, um, let me just start, uh, by saying I applaud the, uh, the gusto with which you approach life.

Charlie

Thank you.

Alan

Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your FREAKIN' MIND?!

Charlie

Beg pardon?

Alan

You just could not control yourself; 'A female is in the house, she must be mounted!'

Charlie

No, it's not like that at all, and why do you even care?

Alan

Why?! You ask me why?! I will tell you why: because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!

Charlie

Oh, that's ridiculous!

Alan

Ridiculous, you say? Alright, alright let's look at the record. You slept with Judith's sister...

Charlie

Well yeah-

Alan

At my wedding reception! You had more sex on my wedding day that I did!

Charlie

That part's not my fault!

Alan

Ok, let's jump ahead. When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?!

Charlie

Hold on, that chick was nuts!

Alan

I lost everything!

Charlie

To be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with!

Jake

I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.

Alan

Because you're going to your mother's wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo.

Alan

OK, listen, we-- we haven't really, uh, talked about what all this means.

Jake

What what means?

Alan

All the big changes that are happening.

Jake

It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.

Alan

How was the reception?

Charlie

Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. But you'll be happy to know your little outburst is already on YouTube.

Alan

Damn camera phones.

Alan

You think I joined a support group to pick up women?

Charlie

No, I think you joined a support 'cause you're a whiny little wuss. But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few.

Alan

Your mom will be here any minute! I-- I thought I told you to get ready!

Jake

I'm ready.

Alan

Did you do your homework?

Jake

No.

Jake

Well, next time you'll know better!

Alan, you're not gay.

Alan

Are you sure?

Do you find me sexually attractive?

Alan

No.

Do you find any man sexually attractive?

Alan

No. Uh, well, oh, maybe George Clooney.

Alan

What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.

Charlie

Huh.

Alan

It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.