Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter.

Alan

Drunk blonde?

Well, she isn't always blonde.

Charlie

You let some broad talk you into piercing your ear?

Alan

Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.

Jake

What else can you pierce?

Nothing.

Jake

Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]

Charlie

Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".

Alan

He can't spell "Google".

Charlie

[referring to Alan's new piercing] You do know that's the gay ear?

Alan

What?

Charlie

Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era." Right ear says "Let's disco!!"

Alan

There you go. One hot chocolate for the lactating mommy.

Naomi

Thank you.

Alan

I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino.

Naomi

Yeah, and she's biting the straw.

Alan

Come on guys, please give me a hand on this.

Can't help ya.

Alan

Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.

Yeah, look at your dad!

Judith

What did he say to you?

Alan

Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.

Judith

Why would he think that?

Alan

Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.

Alan

[About what people like in sex] Say you like banana cream pie...

Jake

I do like banana cream pie.

Alan

Well, good. But say you like it but, you never told me you did so I always brought home another kind...

Jake

[Interrupting] I just told you I like it.

Berta

Well I should go if I don't wanna miss my bus.

Alan

Goodnight Berta.

Jake

Hey Dad, you know what more keeps on her night stand?

Berta

You know what, I'll take a cab.

Alan

What?

Jake

A bottle of whipped cream.

Alan

So?

Jake

So, either whipped cream has something to do with sex or mom hides pie in her dresser too.

Charlie

Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer. I'm not hurting your mom."

Alan

Speed Racer?

Charlie

Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas?

Alan

Oh, yeah! Yeah! Our Christmas pajamas! You got Speed Racer, and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical, I'm--

Charlie

This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with a big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous! [sighs] And I'll tell you the worst part...

Alan

Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?

Charlie

Alan...

Alan

I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.

Charlie

We all are!

Alan

Hey, at least I didn't talk him [Jake] into putting crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey!

Charlie

Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever.

Alan

You told me it's how the Pilgrims got through the harsh winter.

Alan

Jake can hear you two in bed.

Judith

Oh, God... oh god...

Herb

He didn't hear THAT.

Charlie

[About Alan's date with Danielle] Okay, on this date don't talk about your stupid hobbies or your depressing problems.

Alan

So what do we talk about?

Charlie

Her stupid hobbies! Her depressing problems! Okay. I'm gonna make up some reason I have can't go and then you can go on a date.

Alan

Charlie, I'm not sure...

[Enters] Okay I'm ready to go.

Charlie

Oh darn...

Alan

What do you mean you have to go!... I mean what's wrong?

Charlie

I just remembered I have a lot of work to do at home.

Should we reschedule?

Charlie

No, no, no. You guys should go ahead. I'm sure you'll have fun.

Alan

Alright. [Goes off] So Danielle, you have any hobbies or, problems?

Charlie

She just moved next door. She's gorgeous, divorced, and loaded!

Alan

Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?

Charlie

Why does something have to be wrong with her?

Alan

Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.

Charlie

There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?

Berta

Hey, I'd do her.

Alan

Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?

Charlie

Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.

Alan

Are you gonna let me explain or not?

Charlie

What's to explain? You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... "Chiropractor to the Stars".

Alan

Oh, OK, what do you want me to call myself? "Chiropractor to Fat People in the Valley"? Everybody exaggerates on these things.

Charlie

OK, I can understand that. You're probably not gonna get a lot of responses to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, enjoys long walks to a free meal."

Alan

Exactly.