Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Just 'cause you're reading a dance magazine doesn't make you a dancer.

Berta

Why not? You're a monster boob.

Alan

Will you both stay out of my room?!

Alan

And you, wh-- why do you enable this behavior?

Berta

Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America. [starts singing "America the Beautiful"]

Are you related to that dreadful Charlie?

Alan

My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.

Well, Alan, uh, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway. I assume it belongs to one of your brother's "hooers."

Alan

One of his what?

Hooers. Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of hooers.

Alan

Oh, whores! Uh, well, in all fairness, most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.

Charlie

What is that old witch doing here?

Alan

Old witch? She's a charming woman!

Charlie

Of course she's charming. They're all charming. That's how they lure you into their houses made out of candy and gingerbread.

Charlie

Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.

Alan

OK, first of all, we're not dating. I am escorting her to a charity event. And second of all, her age is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what inside a person.

Charlie

Yeah, well, the only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.

Alan

She isn't that old, Charlie.

Charlie

Oh, come on, I bet she was an eyewitness to the birth of agriculture.

Alan

Stop it!

Charlie

Her high school graduation picture is probably on a cave wall in France.

Charlie

Hey, If you got her [Norma] pregnant, we can get a full page in Ripley's.

Alan

Give it a rest, Charlie.

Charlie

Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmas was the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!

Charlie

"Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."

Evelyn

Good God.

Jake

Hey, Dad, you're famous!

Alan

Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.

Charlie

Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.

Evelyn

Charlie, don't be disrespectful.

Alan

Thank you, Mom.

Evelyn

So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?

Jake

Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?

Alan

No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.

Alan

Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere "attaboy". Is that too much to ask?

Charlie

Attaboy!

Charlie

You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval. You're still seeking Mom's approval, and you make every woman in the world a substitute Mom.

Alan

But what about you? We had the same mother.

Charlie

Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.

Alan

Oh, how I'll try.

Alan

Wait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?

Charlie

Shhh. Don't tell anybody.

Alan

But isn't that just a temporary solution.

Charlie

It's only temporary if you stop drinking.

Alan

I like it.

Alan

Did I really tell the waiter I loved him?

Charlie

Well, you had to say something after a kiss like that.

Charlie

You lucky dog!

Alan

What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!

Charlie

Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.

Alan

No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.

Charlie

Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!

Alan

So, uh, how long till the movie starts?

Charlie

Uh, about twenty minutes.

Alan

Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.

Charlie

Alan, you need to be quiet.

Alan

Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater! GOOBERS!