Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.

Charlie

No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.

Alan

No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.

Rose

Boy, you look like hell.

Charlie

Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.

Charlie

Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they are best left unfelt.

Rose

It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?

Charlie

Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.

Charlie

Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers!

Jake

Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?

Alan

Eat your dinner.

Jake

The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.

Alan

Looks like you had a tough night.

Charlie

No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!

Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.

Charlie

They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!

Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!

Charlie

All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!

Alan

Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.

Let's see what you got, jingle balls!

Charlie

OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!

Alan

"God bless Vicoden?"

Charlie

Pretty good, huh?

Alan

You spelled "Vicodin" wrong.

Charlie

That's the great thing about Vicodin. I don't care.

Charlie

OK, well, good luck with the tour!

Thanks a lot, man.

Charlie

Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?

What was that?

Charlie

Nothing, nothing.

Alan

You're going to hell, you know?

Charlie

I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.

Alan

You really wanna drag God into this?

Charlie

Who gave me the penis, Alan?

Alan

Since when do you have a wet suit?

Charlie

Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.

Alan

How about this: When was the last time you called her [Evelyn] just to see how she was doing?

Charlie

Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.

Alan

Why don't you start with that?

Charlie

OK, fine. [takes his phone out of his pocket]

Alan

Remember her number?

Charlie

I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?

Alan

What happened to your mouth?

Evelyn

I just had a little procedure.

Alan

What kind of procedure?

Charlie

They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.

Alan

What did they do, use the whole ass?

Charlie

Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?

Berta

Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...

Jake

What do I have to do for you?

Charlie

Just promise to be sad at my funeral.

Jake

Do I have to cry?

Charlie

No.

Jake

Will there be food?

Charlie

Yes.

Jake

Can I bring a date?

Charlie

You're just screwing with me now, right?

Jake

How does it feel?

Charlie

What the hell is this?

Alan

This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Charlie

He's not staying here, Alan.

Alan

Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.

Charlie

It's because no kennel in town would take you!