Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

I thought you were going to be busy today.

Charlie

I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"

Charlie

To the batcave, Alfred

Alan

Go to hell.

Charlie

OK, I'm getting mixed signals here.

This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!

Charlie

You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.

Alan

But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.

Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!

Alan

You knew your shirt was open?

WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!

Alan

Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.

Charlie

What earthquake?

Alan

'What earthquake?' About an hour ago, you didn't feel the house shaking?

Charlie

Oh.

Alan

Unbelievable. You actually thought that was you?

Charlie

No, I thought it was her. Y'know, because of me. Well the good news is unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.

Charlie

Well, that's the difference between 'wife' and 'ex-wife'. With 'ex-wife', you don't even have to pretend to care.

Alan

I'm sorry, but I can't be that callous.

Charlie

Have you even tried?

Alan

It's just for a couple of days.

Charlie

Oh, a couple of days. Jack the Ripper only killed a couple of prostitutes, but it was still wrong!

Alan

What do you want me to do, put her in a hotel?

Charlie

Yeah, put her in a hotel! Put her in a space capsule! Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies!

Alan

Charlie, I can't do that to her.

Charlie

Again, have you even tried?

Charlie

Ah, better use the wooden ones.

Judith

What's wrong with these?

Charlie

I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.

Judith

Is this a regular occurrence?

Charlie

You'd think I'd learn.

Judith

And you keep them in the kitchen?

Charlie

I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.

Jake

This is really weird.

Alan

Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.

Jake

I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.

Charlie

Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.

Judith

I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.

Charlie

Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.

Charlie

Well, what if you were dating?

Alan

But I'm not.

Charlie

But what if it looked like you were dating?

Alan

Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.

Charlie

OK, forget it.

Alan

She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.

Charlie

Anything else?

Alan

Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.

Charlie

You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.

Alan

Lewis and Clark explored what?

Charlie

[buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.

Alan

Right.

Jake

I knew that.

Alan

Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.

Charlie

And I'm still buzzed.

Jake

OK, give me another question.

Alan

All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?

Jake

Alaska.

Alan

Ah, very good!

Charlie

Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.

Berta

The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.

Charlie

What do you want? He's eleven.

Berta

That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the road.

Jake

What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?

Charlie

There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.

Jake

You're kidding, right?

Charlie

Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.

Jake

I have to do math and pee my pants?

Alan

You need to get Jake dressed, make him his lunch, and get him to school by eight, OK?

Charlie

OK.

Alan

You're not moving.

Charlie

Yes, I am. I'm flipping you off under the covers.

Alan

GET UP!

Jake

I forgot to comb my hair.

Charlie

No-no-no-no-no, I'll do it. [licks his fingers and brushes Jake's hair with them]

Jake

That's spit!

Charlie

One man's saliva is another man's mousse. Now shut up.