Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Well, she's your mother, too!

Charlie

How do you know? I could have been adopted.

Alan

You wish!

Charlie

I do!

Berta

Well, gadzooks. Zippy's getting his freak on.

Charlie

Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.

Berta

I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.

Alan

OK, uh, just make sure Jake goes to bed early. He's got karate in the morning.

Charlie

Which, of course, you'll be back for.

Alan

Charlie, trust me.

Charlie

You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.

Evelyn

Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.

Charlie

She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

Charlie

So, what are you doing for dinner?

You're shameless.

Charlie

Thank you.

It's not a compliment.

Charlie

Whatever. What are you doing for dinner?

Charlie, a lot has changed.

Charlie

I know. I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!

Alan

I'm sorry, are we done with what's bothering me?

Charlie

I am.

Alan

It's like talking to a horny chimp.

Alan

Is there anything in your shower I need to know about?

Charlie

Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!

Alan

I have a loose tooth.

Charlie

Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!

Alan

That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.

Charlie

I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.

Alan

Hey, what's that, uh, splattered all over your shirt?

Charlie

Coffee and breast milk.

Alan

What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.

Jake

Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!

Charlie

OK, OK, you said "blows" already.

Jake

Did I say "big baby chunks"?

Charlie

D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?

Jake

That was fifty pages!

Charlie

Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.

Alan

Has it occurred to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?

Jake

No, I'm lazy.

Jake

That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!

Charlie

What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.

Jake

What are they, brain damaged?

Charlie

Welcome to show business, kid.

Charlie

Please tell me the Jack and Ginger isn't for you.

No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?

Charlie

Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.

Alan

Are you still reading that thing?

Charlie

How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!

Charlie

OK, I've had enough of this. How do I delete this whole thing?

Alan

You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.

Charlie

Well, how do I find out who created it?

Alan

Now, let's see, huh? [does a WHOIS search] OK, uh... OK, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... [chuckling]: Charlie Harper Sucks, Ltd.

Charlie

That's no help.

Alan

Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs! "Add to cart"...

Alan

You want to help me? Stop talking me up. It's killing me.

Charlie

OK!

Alan

And stop putting yourself down! Somehow that's killing me too!

Charlie

Got it.

Alan

Just-- just sit there and eat your dinner and I'll play your game.

Charlie

Fine! [Alan takes the open urinal next to Charlie] You want to shake on it?

Alan

You're disgusting.

Charlie

Yeah, I'm disgusting. At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.