Sideshow Bob quotes from The Simpsons

Authorization code.

Sideshow Bob

Code?! Son, this is Colonel Hapablap! This fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura! Now get down there with the chamois triple-time!

But Colonel, I'm under restricted orders...

Sideshow Bob

Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a... [cringing] snot party.

Sir, right away, sir!

Sideshow Bob

[speaking on a large TV screen] Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?

What?

Dr. Hibbert

Surely he's not talking about VH1.

Sideshow Bob

Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation...and scrimshaw. Thus I submit to you, we abolish television...permanently!

Homer

Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!

Sideshow Bob

Oh, and one more thing-- I've stolen a nuclear weapon. And if you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell. [Bob cuts the link, then turns it back on] By the way, I'm well aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

Chief Wiggum

Alright, Bob, it's over. Come out with your hands up.

Sideshow Bob

Noooo! How did they find me?

Lisa

[constricted] He's getting away!

Sideshow Bob

And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.

Homer

He said tried!

Marge

Someone should really go up there and talk to him.

Marge

Homer!

Homer

Ohh, all those stairs.

Cecil

Now make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? [Picks up two wine bottles] I have the '82 Château Latour and a rather indifferent Rausan-Ségla.

Bob

I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator.

Cecil

That would be the Latour, then. [Cecil pours the Latour into a wine glass].

Sideshow Bob

Oh, come now! You've wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college?

Cecil

I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

Cecil

Thanks for driving me, big brother. These giants clown mitts are extremely hilarious, but they do make it difficult to shift gears.

Bob

That's the title of Erma Bombeck's latest, isn't it?

Krusty

Free comedy tip, Slick: the pie gag's only funny if the sap's got dignity. [notices Bob dressed up] Like that guy. Hey, Hal! Pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there!

Bob

Oh, dear.

Krusty

That guy's a genius! He's gonna change the way we think about getting hit by pies. You're hired!

Cecil

When that pie hit your face, I saw my dreams explode in a burst of cream and crust. But I suppose I should thank you. After all, it lead me to my true calling.

Bob

Cecil, no civilisation in history has ever considered chief hydrological engineer a calling.

Bob

Yes, yes, the Cappadocians, fine.

Cecil

Here it is, the future site of the Springfield Hydroelectric Dam.

Bob

Just the thought of all that raw surging power makes me wonder why the Hell I should care.

Cecil

Because you'll be supervising the construction crew.

Bob

Oh great. Whenever a woman passes by, I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting. 'Oh yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital knockers!'

Lisa

Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!

Bob

[offended] Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil tries to kill you, [mockingly] "it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!"

Bob

I'm older, I get the top bunk!

Cecil

Oh poppycock! I called it at the arraignment!

Sideshow Bob

You are in my power.

Bart

I am at your command.

Sideshow Bob

I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.

Bart

I am in your power.

Sideshow Bob

Excellent. Actually, go back to command. No... power, power!

Sideshow Bob

Rakes! My old archenemy.

Bart

I thought I was your archenemy?

Sideshow Bob

I have a life outside of you, Bart.

Sideshow Bob

Ah, Krusty, this is your Waterloo. Soon you'll be Napoleon Blownaparte!

Ugh, terrible!

Sideshow Bob

Oh, hush up, Leo.