Milhouse Van Houten quotes from The Simpsons

Principal Skinner

Milhouse, your word is "choke."

Oh, I know this one, it's so easy, "F".... oh, man! [the kids laugh]

Principal Skinner

Stop laughing! It will scar him for life! [kids keep laughing] He-he-he, it is kinda infectious.

I know this is a fantasy, but I'll take it. [chuckles]

Lisa

Nah, forget it. [thought bubble shrinks]

[upset] No! I'll never be this happy again!

Next on Comedy Central, an all new South Park!

I hear those kids' voices are done by grown ups.

Bart

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes?

I can't believe we paid to see a band with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty The Crippled Robot!

[a robot with a guitar sitting in a wheelchair] Look who's in my fart: O. J.!

[holds up a knife] I'm gonna kill you all!

[dancing a dosey-doe] Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence!

Now I'm gonna find the real killers!

Marge

Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming. We're going to watch a show about the everyday problems of angels.

Now, back to Good Heavens.

Jesus called today.

He did?!

What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan?

Lisa

It's called "Goth," eternally clueless one. My new name is "Raven Crow Neversmiles."

Cool. We could be Goth together. We'll got to the cemetery and summon the dark Lord by kissing and junk.

Lisa

Okay... but first you must apprentice, by kissing the Goddess Ironica. Who lives in this rock. Do it for an hour, hour and a half. [Lisa hands Milhouse a rock and leaves]

Yes, my mistress. [Milhouse kisses the rock]

Homer

Okay, why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?

Bart

Because we're poor?

Homer

Exactly, and we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is...

Bart

Then the man...

Then the woman...

Homer

Well, better they hear it from me, now, than from their parents when they're old enough.

Krusty

Hey-hey, kids! Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents? A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause? Oh, God, I know that void. Then you were born to enter Krusty's Li'l Starmaker singing competition!

Not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol.

Krusty

The winner will be animated into an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon! So enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks!

[starts dialing the number] I'm coming Krusty!

Bart

I'll cut you a deal, I'll give you Milhouse.

Principal Skinner

[upclose] I don't want Milhouse.

Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.

Lisa

[congratulating Milhouse on finding a way to take revenge on the school bullies] Milhouse, thanks to you, the nerds can breathe easy. Except the ones with asthma, which is all of them, but still, it's great!

Yep, having a weapon in school has really made things awesome!

Ow!

Lisa

[giggles]

Martin

Pardon my birdie, I misjudged the privellian winds.

YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF LISA!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Lisa

Milhouse, what's gotten into you?

Over the years a lotta people have hurted me! Good thing I kept this list. [Shows Lisa a list of people have wronged him and then chuckles evilly]

Lisa

No, no, you already got your revenge!

You wouldn't give me Chinese Cuts in the lunch line! [Inflicts Wendell a Wedgie] You laughed when I threw up in the Glass blowing tour! [Inflicts Lewis a Wedgie] Girls like you better! [Inflicts Richard a Stop Hitting Yourself] Your parents are married! [Inflicts the rest of the kids a Stop Hitting Yourself, Wedgie and Wet Willie]

Bart

Ay, caramba! [Back at the present] That's the only line I get in your stupid story?

Lisa

There are no small parts, just small actors.

[Back at the story, Milhouse keeps inflicting punishments on his enemies]

This is my first day at this school! I haven't done anything to you!

You will! This is prevenge! [Inflicts Freshman Facial on the kid an falls on his face in a mud puddle, then Groundskeeper Willie walks by and sees the kid and Milhouse]

Willie

Well, look, it's Milhouse! What's the power glove for? Opening the cap on his weirdo pills? [Milhouse inflicts Ultimate Noogie on Willie which severes his head off, though he's still alive]

Principal Skinner

[walks by] Willie, clean up this mess!

Willie

Alright! [Starts licking his blood]

Lisa

Milhouse, don't you see? You're addicted to revenge!

You'll learn to love it when you're my queen!

Lisa

I see. [Chuckles nervously] While it would be an honor to be your queen...

Go on.

Lisa

I feel it would be best if we just stay as friends.

NOBODY SPARES MY FEELINGS!! [Gets ready to shoot Lisa but starts to decide not to]

I can't do it, I can't hurt you Lisa! [Throws the glove away but then Nelson picks it up]

Ha Ha! You forgot about me 'Cuz I had the mumps! [Inflicts all the glove's options at Milhouse]

Bart

Milhouse, what are you doing here? I thought you had a three-0-clock wedgie with Nelson.

I had to reschedule.

Bart Simpson

Alan Moore, you wrote my favourite issues of Radioactive Man!

Oh really? So you liked that I made your favourite superhero a heroin-addicted jazz critic who's not radioactive?

Bart

I don't read the words, I just like when he punches people. How do you make his costume stick so close to his muscles?

[groans]

Mr. Moore, will you sign my DVD of Watchmen Babies? Which of the babies is your favourite?

[furiously] You see what those bloody corporations do?! They take your ideas and they suck them! Suck them like leeches until they've gotten every last drop of the marrow from your bones!

Hey teacup, why don't you chill out?

[sighs] Very well. [starts reading a Little Lulu book and laughs] "Oh Little Lulu, I love you-lu just the same..." [sighs happily]

[voice only, in an abandoned locker as Cletus enters] Hey, I'm in here!

Cletus

[voice only, inside the old locker] Be Quiet Robo-Potty!

[in front of the class] You're children. Why do you all need cell phones?

Safety.

Emergencies.

Safety.

Educational.

Bart

Are you sure this will work?

Hey, this is the DVD my parents used to make me.

Bart

So it kind of works.

Bart

Poor Krusty. He's become the lowest form of life: a sidekick.

You said it, Bart! Way to sum up the situation!

Bart

Take it easy, little buddy.

That's exactly how I'll take it!