Ned Flanders quotes from The Simpsons

Ned

We're gonna crash!

Homer

Do you have air bags?

Ned

No! The church opposes them for some reason!

Homer

It'll be nice to entertain friends and have people over.

Flanders

Hey ya got a tennis court?

Homer

Keep walking Flanders.

Flanders

Will do.

Homer

Faster!

So, did you boys have a good time?

Rod

Yeah, Mr. Simpson was really funny.

Todd

He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.

Lisa

[shouting outside] Hey, I'm a Buddhist!

Flanders

[gasps] My Satan sense is tingling!

Krusty

Now let's welcome Springfield's original God couple, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders.

Flanders

Thank you so much.

Do-dah, do-dah

Lovejoy

(singing) Homer Simpson's breath is strong, oh the do-dah--

Flanders

Hey, hey, now hold on there. The nice people wanna hear the real words.

Lovejoy

But Ned, I was singing the real words.

Flanders

Oh, lets just take it from the top. (sings) The Camptown Ladies sing this song

Do-dah do-dah

Lovejoy

The Camptown racetrack's five miles long

Flanders

Thats better.

Lovejoy

Homer's breath smells bad

Flanders

Oh, those are not the words!

Marge

I'm sorry Ned. It looks like God has packed up and left Springfield.

Ned

[hysterical] No, you're lying! You're lying! What makes you lie?

Lovejoy

It's okay, the Flanders have offered to put me up.

Ned

And, Reverend, you'll be bunking with me.

Ned, I'm James L. Brooks.

Ned

Oh, can I call you Jim?

James L. Brooks is good. How about some spongecake?

Ned

Well, I can't see the harm.

With a brandy glaze?

Ned

Noooo!!

Or perhaps you like to go to a football game?

Ned

Well--

We don't have a team.

Ned

Noo!!

[picks up a red jellyfish] I made a friend. [the jellyfish stings him and he falls into the water and is pulled away by the current] I'm going to Africa! There's lions, and monkeys, and Santa...!

Flanders

Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you?

Marge

Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.

[to Homer/Henry VIII] Divorce! Well, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church! But it's the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?

I'll start my own church!

Whaaaaaaaa!?

Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!

Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.

Ned

[sighs in relief]

Ned

Oh, you stupid son of a--

Marge

Homer, I'm so mad at you. I bet you blew up the town just to get out cleaning the garage! Yeah, Well, the joke's on you, smart guy, the garage made it to Heaven too!

Lisa

Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?

Flanders

Cause I had a vision of myself... shooting your father.

Bart

In this neighborhood, who hasn't?

Lisa

Well, you can't fight fate, but if you must shoot our father, please remember our family motto: "Not in the face."

Bart

[spots Flanders and his sons as shrunken heads] I recognize the missionaries!

Flanders

I just told a Native they were having sex the wrong way.

[While they ride to Canada] Homer! Tell Mr. Ned to stop trying to convert me!

Ned

I was just telling him how brave he is to worship a false god.

I do not worship one god, okay? I worship a whole super team of deities that--[Ned pinches him] OW, ow! Okay, he just pinched me!

Ned

Well, where's your super team now?

Homer

Listen, you two! I'll tell you who the true God is if you're both quiet the rest of the trip!

But the infinite...

Ned

But the Bible says...

Homer

All right, I'm coming back there! [Unbuckles seatbelt and leaves driver's wheel to go to the back seat. The van swerves uncontrollably through traffic]

Save me, Shiva!

Ned

Why don't you just call for Hawkman?

Why don't you shut up?!

Comic Book Guy

My name is Jeff Albertson, but everybody calls me "Comic Book Guy".

Ned Flanders

Well I'll just call you friend. Here's your tape, friend.