Ned Flanders quotes from The Simpsons

Rod

Daddy, what are we gonna do today?

Ned Flanders

Well, we're gonna do what every kid your age likes to do: look at bread.

Todd

Daddy, was mommy a monkey? I can't remember.

Ned

[yelling] No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be! God put us here and that's that!

Todd

But you said a stork brought me.

Ned

Uh, that was God disguised as a stork.

Rod

Who brings baby storks?

Ned

There's no such thing as storks, it's all God!

Todd

[praying in front of a statue of a stork] Please bless daddy and mommy...

Ned

Stop praying to that stork!

Homer

D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Stu-stu-stu-stupid Flanders.

Ned Flanders

Why the crescendo, my old friendo.

Homer

Get lost, you waste of mustache!

Ned Flanders

Okey dokley.

Homer

[Chuckles] I guess I'm more powerful than God now.

Ned

You know what they say: "With great power comes great responsibility."

Homer

Who said that?! I'll kill them with my power!

Homer

So how about a little stakeout music.

Ned

Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.

Homer

Well I like :AC/DC.

Ned

I like their Christian cover band :AD/BC. [Starts Singing]:Kindly deeds done for free.

Homer

And you have to promise me no "diddlies" or "doodlies."

Ned

Friend, you got yourself a deal-a-rooney!

Homer

D'oh!

Ned

This is so hard because I always thought Mom was the strong one.

Bart

She is. Look.

Homer

Goodbye.

Homer

[getting up] D'oh!

Rod

We thought you were gonna die.

And then Uncle Kevin would have to raise us.

Rod

And his funny friend, David.

Ned

Oh I'd put rocks in your pocket and walk you out to sea for before I'd let that happen.

Yay!

Homer

Well, if you ask me, you were trying to play God.

Ned

[gasps] That's the worst sin of all, for some reason.

Ned

I guess I did create this, just as God created the Devil.

Homer

God create the devil? Finally, He did something cool!

Lisa

Mr. Flanders, how did you make these amazing fish?

Ned Flanders

Actually, God made some fish that were pretty close to these so naturally we selected those for further breeding.

Lisa

So that natural selection was the origin of this species?

Flanders

Yep, that's exactly--[laughs] You almost got me.

Flanders

Not on my watch [pushes it back into water]

Excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn to pick up free escorts.

Chalmers

Well, we're not learning how to fold cloth napkins.

Ned Flanders

Well, I got excited for nothing.

Slay Montgomery Burns and pee in his ashes!

Ned

Are you sure, Lord?

If you're having trouble with the second part, drink a lot of water. Now I gotta go, a hip hop star is thanking me at the VMAs.

Ned

[About to pray.] Heavenly Father, I...

Quiet you! Your next divine whack job is a twofer. I command you to kill Patty and Selma Bouvier.

Ned

Patty and Selma? Sure they smoke and they don't shave much of anything. But do they deserve to die?

Do not question me, the star of the Bible! [We pan back to see Homer with his voice-changing machine.] Now, on a non-murder related note. I want you to find out what's making that funny noise in Homer Simpson's car. It goes chigga, chigga, chigga, chigga, chigga, chigga, chigga, but you only hear it when you drive over 30 and you never hear it when you take it to the shop. [Homer's God voice comes through a speaker in Ned's Bible.] Then, it sounds perfect.

Ned

Yes, Lord.

Homer

You're my personal savior.

Ned

Thank you, but I don't approve...

Homer

Hail Flanders, mightier than Jesus.