Moe Szyslak quotes from The Simpsons

You call that a left testicle, Toot?

I'm sorry, Marge, I'm sorry, but it was Christmas, and we were under the mistletoe.

The only reason you haven't been fired is because your file here has been holding up a sofa that was missing a leg.

You guys cost me my chance with a woman of certain age!

I'm broke. Now I am going to have to live on my savings here. [Opens cash register] ALL RIGHT WHO RUBBED MY NICKELS?!!?

[narrating] F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote: "There are no second acts in American lives." But he never said anything about second parts in American TV shows.

I'm putting on pants for this!

Len, Stop.

No outside peas.

Moe's Tavern.

Bart

Is Mr. Freely there?

Who?

Bart

Freely, first initials I. P.

Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I pee freely! [the customers laugh] Wait a minute...Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!

Homer

You'll get that punk someday, Moe.

I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

Lisa

Aw, come on, Bart, not again!

Bart

[dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor?

Moe's Tavern.

Bart

Hello, is Al there?

Al?

Bart

Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.

Lemme check. [calls] Phone call for Al! Al Coholic! Is there an Al Coholic here?! [bar denizens laugh] Wait a minute... [to the phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'll kill you! [hangs up]

Homer

[depressed] I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up.

Bart

A little pre-dinner entertainment.

[answering the phone] Moe's Tavern.

Bart

Is Oliver there?

Who?

Bart

Oliver Klozoff.

Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Oliver Clothesoff, call for Oliver Clothesoff!

[laugh]

[on the phone] Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!

Marge

[hangs up] Goodness, must be a crossed wire.

Barney

So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?

Homer

Oh, Barney.

C'mon, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.

Homer

Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys that sits in a bar, telling the story of how he became a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.

Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.

Bart

Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.

Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody! I want a Seymour Butz! [the entire bar erupts in laughter at Moe] Wait a minute...Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! If I get my hands on you, I am gonna pull out your eye balls with a cork screw!