Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No?

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No.

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No.

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No.

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No!

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No.

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No?!

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No!!!

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

NO!!!

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No! No! No! NOOO! If I take you, will you two shut up and QUIT BUGGING ME?!

Lisa

Yeah, of course!

Bart

Well?

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

YES!

Thanks, dad!

Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?

Lisa

No. Homework's not my father's specialty.

Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad-

Lisa

Not mine.

You didn't let me finish-

Lisa

Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.

Homer

Lisa, don't hold anything back. You can tell me. Are you crying because you called daddy a baboon?

Lisa

[angrily] No!

Homer

Nuts. [accidentally sits on her dollhouse] D'oh! This isn't going well at all...

Lisa

Look, if you just want me to forgive you-

Homer

No, no, no, I just wish I knew what to say. [opens her music box, activating it] Although maybe this music will help. Now, you lost someone special and it hurt. I'm lucky because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is under this roof. [Lisa groans; patting her head] It's true. Now, you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably some place where they all get together, and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks. [sighs] Ah well, maybe I can't explain all this, but I can fix your dollhouse for you. At least I'm good at...monkey work. [smiling] You know - "monkey"? You know what I mean? [nudges her playfully]

Lisa

[cheering up a bit] Yeah...

Homer

I can hold these nails in place with my tail. [chuckles and makes monkey noises]

Lisa

[starting to laugh with him] You're so silly.

Homer

Gimme a banana!

Lisa

I don't have any bananas!

Homer

Come on, you're holding out on me! [lifts her up and makes more monkey noises as they both keep laughing]

Lisa

I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad.

Homer

Think nothing of it.

Marge

The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.

Bart

Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!

Marge

Well then...I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.

Homer

Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!

Marge

Well...then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Lisa

Perhaps there is no moral to this story.

Homer

Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Marge

But it certainly was a memorable few days.

Homer

Amen to that!

[Quietly] Lisa? Lisa! Lisa! [Bart pinches her nose and she wakes up]

Lisa

Bart! It's 6:30 AM.

Bart

That's right! Hope you like your present! [He dumps trash out of her wastebasket, puts on his red cap, and turns to "Michael," sitting at the piano] And a one! And a two! And a one, two, three, four! [He taps the bottom of the wastebasket like a bongo drum]

[Singing] Lisa, it's your birthday. God bless you this day. You gave me the gift of a little sister and I'm proud of you today.

Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa! Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa!

I wish you love and goodwill. I wish you praise and joy!

Bart

I wish you better than your heart's desires...

And your first kiss from a boy.

[As Homer, Marge, and Maggie come into the room] Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa! Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa!

Bart

Yeah!

Lisa

Oh! This is the best present I ever got! [Hugs Bart] Thank you, Bart! Thank you, Michael!

[In his real voice] Well, my work here is done.

Bart

Hey, Michael! What happened to your voice?

This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowsky and I'm a bricklayer from Paterson, New Jersey. All my life, I was very angry. Till one day, I just... [In Michael Jackson's voice] ...talked like this. [Normal voice] All of a sudden, everybody was smilin' at me and I was only doin' good on this earth. So I kept on doing it. To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy?

Homer

Not me! I've got this! [Shows his certificate, reading "Not insane"]

Marge

Lisa, what's gotten into you?

Homer

Yeah, your other speech was a little more crowd-pleasing.

Lisa

I'm sorry Dad, I couldn't think of a nice way to say "America Stinks."

[selling Washington Beacon] EXTRA EXTRA! Feds nab rotten Rob!

Homer

[buys copy] Gimme one of those.

Marge

[reads headline] Imprisoned Congressman becomes born-again Christian.

Lisa

I can't believe it. The system works!

Marge

So, Bart. What did you learn in karate school today?

Homer

Yeah, come on, boy, this better be worth my ten bucks.

Bart

Uh... I learned the Touch of Death.

Homer

Ooh, the Touch of Death.

Bart

Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace.

Lisa

Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it. Hey. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!!

Marge

Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.

Bart

Good morning.

Lisa

Morning.

Marge

Good morning, dear.

Homer

Hiya, Bart. How's my boy?

Homer

[as Burns sews the top of his head back on] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Mr. Burns

Oh, will you quit your complaining!

Sir, do you know what this means? He is alive!

Mr. Burns

Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke. [to the robot] And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of caliginous cogs and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it, causing it to tip and loom over him]

Run, sir!

Mr. Burns

Every bone...shattered, organs...leaking vital fluids...a slight headache...loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.

[distraught] Sir, is there nothing I can do?

Mr. Burns

Well...perhaps. Smithers, go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are...surgical tools...and some ether.

Marge

Did you have a nightmare, Homey?

Homer

No, Bart bit me!

Bart

Hey, man, you were crushing me! [to Marge and Lisa] I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.

Homer

Hey, got to go shake the dew off the lily. [walks into bathroom and looks in the mirror, to find Burns' head sewn onto his left shoulder] Aaaah!!!

Mr. Burns

Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.

Homer

[trying to stay calm] I can wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!

Mr. Burns

Oh, that's right! It's all a dream... [fade to black; credits showrunner appears] ...or is it? [laughs evilly; credits showrunner disappeared]

Next week, on "The Simpsons"...

Lisa

Don't forget, Dad, tonight, my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.

Homer

Mmm...spaghetti.

Mr. Burns

But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands!

Homer

Oh, I hate having two heads!

Lisa

[calls Homer on the phone] Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.

Homer

Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?

Lisa

I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.

Homer

Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.

Homer

All right, Denver. Justify my love.

At the end of thirteen seconds of play, it's New England seven, Denver nothing.

Homer

D'oh!

Lisa

[walks into the room and blocks Homer's view, showing off her homemade Malibu Stacy apartment] Look, Dad! I made a modest studio apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll. This is the kitchen; this is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter... [Homer, however, isn't paying attention to her] Dad, you're not listening to me!

Homer

Lousy, stupid Denver.

Marge

I pretend I'm interested in power tools...going to silly car-chase movies...and things I'll tell you when you're older. Do you understand?

Lisa

I think so.

Marge

Bart!

Bart

What?

Lisa

What about Daddy-Daughter Day?

Homer

Don't worry, the new football season is only seven months away.

Lisa

[betrayed] So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying and goes to room]

Marge

[to Homer] You're a very selfish man.

Bart

[plays with a button that presses "Go to hell" three times] Once again, great present, Dad!

Selma

Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.

Bart

...In your bed?

Patty

Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore. [chuckles. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each other's hands] Oh! Divorce Court is on in five minutes!

Bart

I'm scared, Lisa.

Lisa

You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!

Homer

Oh...fudge. That's broken. [steps on a nail] Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear... [turns red in anger] but I am going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN! [starts screaming gibberish and kicking the doghouse]

Lisa

Dad, this is a not a comment on your skills, but we bought you a new doghouse.

Homer

Where'd you get the money?

Marge

Well, there was more than enough in the swear jar. And if you look closer there's a special surprise for you.

Homer

Maggie. Oh. Cute.

Marge

No, behind her!

Homer

[reaches in and pulls out a six-pack of Duff and gasps] Beer! How did you know?