Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home.
{Sarcastically] Oh, you haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen.
[still sarcastic] I know what you think... when stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.
[concerned] I could never think something that horrible!
[still sarcastic] And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I can say that I already told you!
LisaDad, you can't keep this up for long.
[still sarcastic] Oh, you're so right, I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt! And maybe I'm talking like this, because I can't stop! HELP ME LISA! I HAVE SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEMS!
Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. [pauses for a moment] Too bad I don't know any.
Lisa
I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history — the journey of the Mayflower.
Aw, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa
Not prostitutes, Protestants.
Lisa
[congratulating Milhouse on finding a way to take revenge on the school bullies] Milhouse, thanks to you, the nerds can breathe easy. Except the ones with asthma, which is all of them, but still, it's great!
Yep, having a weapon in school has really made things awesome!
Lisa
[giggles]
Pardon my birdie, I misjudged the privellian winds.
YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF LISA!!
[Milhouse inflicts Wet Willie on Martin and another kid]
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Lisa
Milhouse, what's gotten into you?
Over the years a lotta people have hurted me! Good thing I kept this list. [Shows Lisa a list of people have wronged him and then chuckles evilly]
Lisa
No, no, you already got your revenge!
You wouldn't give me Chinese Cuts in the lunch line! [Inflicts Wendell a Wedgie] You laughed when I threw up in the Glass blowing tour! [Inflicts Lewis a Wedgie] Girls like you better! [Inflicts Richard a Stop Hitting Yourself] Your parents are married! [Inflicts the rest of the kids a Stop Hitting Yourself, Wedgie and Wet Willie]
Ay, caramba! [Back at the present] That's the only line I get in your stupid story?
Lisa
There are no small parts, just small actors.
[Back at the story, Milhouse keeps inflicting punishments on his enemies]
NKNew Kid
This is my first day at this school! I haven't done anything to you!
You will! This is prevenge! [Inflicts Freshman Facial on the kid an falls on his face in a mud puddle, then Groundskeeper Willie walks by and sees the kid and Milhouse]
Well, look, it's Milhouse! What's the power glove for? Opening the cap on his weirdo pills? [Milhouse inflicts Ultimate Noogie on Willie which severes his head off, though he's still alive]
[walks by] Willie, clean up this mess!
Alright! [Starts licking his blood]
Lisa
Milhouse, don't you see? You're addicted to revenge!
You'll learn to love it when you're my queen!
Lisa
I see. [Chuckles nervously] While it would be an honor to be your queen...
Lisa
I feel it would be best if we just stay as friends.
NOBODY SPARES MY FEELINGS!! [Gets ready to shoot Lisa but starts to decide not to]
I can't do it, I can't hurt you Lisa! [Throws the glove away but then Nelson picks it up]
Ha Ha! You forgot about me 'Cuz I had the mumps! [Inflicts all the glove's options at Milhouse]
SMSarcastic Man
Hey, you little brats. Get down from those battlements. Those boxes are for shipping. Not for creating a world of pure imagination. Give them back!
Not until we are bored with them. Now begone!
SMSarcastic Man
[Voice becomes deeper] I shall go. But I will return with an army of my brethren. And together, we shall take back what is ours and hell will rain down upon you!
Lisa
What if we're not here?
SMSarcastic Man
We will come two more times. And then you will have to come to our customer's center. [Normal Voice] It's near the airport, where the old Crown Books used to be.
What's that comin' out of the safe?
I don't know--Maybe the Krusty doll accidentally turned on the car's headlights, which focused on the cologne bottle, causing it to boil and soon explode.
Lisa
Dad, that's ridiculous!
[The safe blows apart from the explosion.]
What's the deal with this California pizza? If I wanted cheese and fruit--[As it burns from the flames and begins melting]--I'd...have...to...[Melts into a plastic puddle]
[Devastated when the family album falls apart into ashes] Nooooooo! It's gone! That family album was a record of my accomplishments! It's like what a resume is for a man.
Lisa
I agree, Mom. It's very sad. But we'll have to move on. It's not like we can restage all our family photos.
[Becoming delighted upon the idea] Restage the photos!
Lisa you fool, you've doomed us all!
[Marge quickly puts a baby bonnet on him and snaps a shot with her camera as he cries out before she takes a second shot, which is among the first ones seen in the new family album.]
Lisa
Dad, why don't you throw me in the air and I can see which way is out? [he does] Corn. [again] More corn. [again] Another kid getting thrown in the air. [again] Witches' coven. [again] Seattle Space Needle. [again] Amateur production of You Can't Take It With You. [again] Oh, I'm getting dizzy. [again] And corn again.
[turns red in anger] Why, you little-- [strangles Bart] I'll teach you to trick your sister! [grunting while strangling Bart then being constricted by Strangles and changes color]
Well, I can breathe out okay. [now really struggling to breathe] Don't give snake attention. It’s what he really-[turns red and falls to the ground] I'm okay!
Oh hi kids, you're just in time to go to the dentist!
DENTIST?! You said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery!
Lisa
Oh, Bart, you fall for that every six months.
[Pulls up on a dirt bike] Hey, suckers, check it out -- Marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery!
Lisa
You're going to the dentist too, Dad.
[disappointed] Why the cemetery, I wondered? But my dreams were too strong...
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
