Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

It's time to take him down a peg. Or should I say down a pie?

Lisa

No, I think the expression is peg.

Homer

Maybe you're right Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie be your pie.

Homer

[After revealing to Lisa that he's the Pie Man] Any-hoo, this has to be a surprise, eh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson...

Lisa

You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored up and rude.

Lisa

[working as the judge in "Simpson Family Court"] Now up, the case of Simpson v. Simpson.

Homer

Mr. Simpson, do you think it's appropriate for a ten-year old boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss?

Bart

Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little-league team?

Homer

Wh-? Permission to treat this witness as hostile? [takes out a baseball bat]

Homer

This is so confusing. [turns to "judge" Lisa] I'd like a brief recess.

Lisa

Granted. [brings the gavel down]

Homer

Whee! Recess! [runs out and goes swinging on a swing]

Lisa

[As the Simpsons swim away from Alcatraz] Swim for San Francisco!

Homer

We're not made of money! We'll swim for Oakland!

Homer

Captain!

Lisa

Science officer!

Bart

Security!

Marge

Marge!

Mr. Burns

Now I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside. And while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.

Lisa

Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?

Flanders

Cause I had a vision of myself... shooting your father.

Bart

In this neighborhood, who hasn't?

Lisa

Well, you can't fight fate, but if you must shoot our father, please remember our family motto: "Not in the face."

Homer

Come on Lisa, say everything's fine. [in a squeaky girly voice] Everything's fine.

Lisa

That was you!

Homer

Prove it!

Lisa

Uh oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire.

I'll get the spare.

No! [praying] We must wait for God to jack us.

Lisa

Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground!

Chloe

Actually, when it's underground, lava is called magma!

Lisa

You're so smart, Chloe!

Chloe

Walter Cronkite told me the same thing.

Marge

Come on! You're out of the girl business!

Lisa

What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening?

Homer

D'oh!

Lisa

You love Moleman! You're gay for Moleman!

Bart

No, you're gay for Moleman.

Moleman

[morosely] No one's gay for Moleman.

Lisa

[screams] Why didn't we listen to dad?!

Marge

[her hair covered in snakes] The worst part is I'll never see my Homie again!

The Devil

That's the worst part? Then I'm not doing my job! [laughs evilly, Marge is heard screaming as Homer watches in horror]

Homer

I will run for mayor!

Lisa

And I'll be your campaign manager!

Homer

And I'll find out what a Mayor does! [Gets some Beer] Expand my brain, learning juice!

Marge

Homer, I hope you get this: I'm in jail and I need $10,000 bail. Hurry!

Homer

Uhh, Marge, me and Bart got in a fight with this really uncool pit boss, and now we're in Nevada State Prison. Also, I don't know where Bart is. If you see him say, "Hey"!

Lisa

Well, Maggie, I always knew that someday it would boil down to just you and me; I'll look for work in the morning.