Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Judge Harm

No judge would send a pre-teen out on his own.

Homer

WOO-HOO! YOU'RE STILL MINE! AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BAD DAD BEFORE!

Judge Harm

[Eyes narrowed at Homer for rudely interrupting her verdict] Except in this case!

Judge Harm

That boy is about as safe living with you as a crawdad in a gumbo shack. Bart Simpson, I declare you emancipated!

Judge Harm

Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages until Bart is fully repaid.

Homer

[thinking it's food] Mmmmm...garnish.

Judge Harm

That means half your paycheck goes to Bart.

Homer

What the...half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife? What's left for Moe?

Marge

Homer, don't make things worse!

Homer

[turns red in anger] I'LL SHOW YOU WORSE!

Homer

[being dragged out by the bailiff and embarrasses Marge] I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD BE TELEVISED!

Lisa

That couch looks really pricey.

Bart

Well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive TV.

Homer

Of course, because you wouldn't want to... [screams] I PAY FOR YOUR SPLENDOR, YOU... [chokes Bart]

Homer

Psst! Mr Hawk! May I have a word with you?

An extreme word?

Homer

Sure. [loudly] MY SON IS BART SIMPSON, AND--

I didn't say extreme to the max!

Homer

Sorry. I just wanna win my son back so badly.

I can relate. I'm a father myself. [sighs] One day they're little shredders, and the next day they're grinding and gnashing their way to college.

Homer

Yeah, I make up words too. Anyway, I was wondering if you could pretend to lose to me in a skateboarding contest, so I can be a hero to my boy again.

I'll lose millions in endorsements... but okay.

Bart

Dad, you don't understand. This was never about being cool. It was about you not caring how I felt.

Homer

Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid!

Tony

Homer, you're heading for a parental face-plant! Do a 180 emotional Ollie! [groans as he falls down the skate ramp]

Homer

FINALLY, someone explains it to me in words I can understand!

Homer

Three Ribwiches, please, and instead of a shake, I'd like a blended Ribwich.

I'm sorry, sir. The Ribwich was for a limited time only.

Homer

[banging fist on counter] Not again! First you take away my Philly Fudge Steak, then my Bacon Balls, then my What-Cha-Ma-Chicken. You monster... [walks away, then comes back to counter] I'd like a large fries, please, and a collector's cup.

Dude, if you still want the Ribwich, they're testing it in other markets. Check out the tour schedule! [shows back of his shirt with the tour schedule]

Homer

Maybe I should hook up with you guys. After all, how long do any of us have to live?

Well, if you like the ribwich, not very. [holds up ribwich box with Krusty saying "WILL CAUSE EARLY DEATH"]

Homer

D'oh!

Lisa

Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich?

Homer

You don't understand. It's not just a sandwich... it's about brotherhood, it's about freedom, it's about 3 days since I've had one! I'm gettin' the shakes! And I'm gettin' the fries!

Marge

The shaking's so bad, all my omelettes have become frittatas.

That's the saddest story I've heard in my 75 years of public office. It makes my blood boil, and my left arm feel numb. Also I taste copper. [groans and collapses from a heart attack]

Marge

Quick! Someone perform CPR!

Homer

[singing] I see bad moon rising...

Marge

That's CCR.

Homer

Uh, [singing] looks like we're in for nasty weather...

Homer

I'm sorry I'm late. The velvet mafia made me a margarita I couldn't refuse.

Marge

Goodbye, Homer! I try to save our marriage and you just get drunk and spend the night with your homosexual boyfriends! [greeting each person on her way down the stairs] Reverend Lovejoy, Mrs. Lovejoy, Principal Skinner, Duffman.

Homer

Look at those city slickers with their stupid fur coats and pointy hats.

Marge

Homer, those are elk.

Homer

I still hate them. Go back to Grosse Pointe!

Homer

Don't worry son, I'll build you a new treehouse--One so grand it'll be an affront to God himself.

Bart

Can it have a ladder you can pull up after you?

Homer

Only if it's an affront to God.

Homer

Move the net under the window.

Lisa

There's no net.

Homer

[falling] AAGH! OOF!

Homer

I'll never mock the Coast Guard again. You Navy rejects are all right.

Judge Harm

Mr Simpson, give me your license.

Judge Harm

Burn their poop.

Homer

Psst. Bishop to Queen-4.

We're playing Dominoes.

Homer

I said Bishop to Queen-4.

Homer

Wait a minute. How could those stupid jarheads win?

Lisa

Who would want candy filled with laxatives?