Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Just give me my gun!

Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.

Homer

Five days?! But I'm mad now! Oh, I'd kill you if I had my gun...!

Yeah, well, you don't.

Homer

Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.

Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...

Homer

Yeah.

frequent problems with alcohol...

Homer

[nervously] Yeah.

...beat up President Bush!

Homer

Former President Bush.

Homer

"Potentially dangerous"?

Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less.

Homer

Woohoo!

Marge

I'm sorry, Homer, no weapons.

Homer

A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or...uh, a...an alligator.

Lisa

Hey dad could you get my basketball down.

Homer

Sure [Draws his gun and shoots it down]

Homer

Want me to get the cat down too?

Lisa

[Knocking the gun out of the way] No thanks!

Marge

[as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

Bart Simpson

Um...

Homer

Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!

Marge

Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.

Homer

You said the breakfast table.

Marge

It's the same table!

Homer

Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.

Homer

Oh... I guess the safety was on.

Homer

I'd better just put it down.

Lisa

No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Homer

[Shoots a beer can open] Anyone else want a beer?

Dr. Hibbert

Homer! You use your gun as a can opener?

Homer

I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. [Shoots the TV, it turns on, and a cowboy onscreen falls down dead]

Agnes

I've never seen such recklessness!

You mighta hurt someone!

Cletus

Are you some kinda moron?!

Homer

Yeah, but--

Krusty

Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keepin' the King of England out of your face.

Your membership card, please, Homer. [Homer sadly hands him the card, and he tears it up] I'll also need to remove your tattoo. [holds up a grater]

Homer

I didn't get one yet.

Rats.

Marge

You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.

Homer

Well, if you have a better way of living through my son, I'd like to hear it.

Homer

My father never believed in me. Well, I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son, and meaner to my dad.[Homer walks outside to where he forced Bart to run laps] Quit runnin' son. I just wanna give you a big hug.

It's gotta be a trick, run like the wind.

Is it just me or do all of your plans involve some horrible web of lies?

Homer

It's you.

Grampa

Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.

Homer

You're already in a home.

Grampa

Oh how could you?

Homer

Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?

Booze, booze, and more booze.

Ha. Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.

Homer

[singing] Here's the angel, see the angel

Lisa

I don't think you should call this thing an angel. There's no proof of that.

Homer

No one's calling it an angel, Lisa. If you look carefully you'll notice I never once used the word "angel."

Lisa

What about that sign right there?

Homer

That's a typo.

Homer

Seat belts? They kill more people than they save.

Lisa

That's not true, you're thinking of airbags!

On the closing day, the escrow agents pay

Bart

They back your baaaaaank!

Homer

You're all nuts.

Marge

Thank you, Bart, thank you, Lisa, for all your help!

Homer

What about me? You didn't thank me.

Bart

You didn't do anything.

Homer

I like being thanked.