Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

"You'll all get yours in hell, you lying thieving..." [hesitates]: "blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe."

Homer

Oh, great, now we have to send him a card.

Marge

I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.

Lisa

Hey, why don't we walk over to Grampa's and cheer up the old folks? That'll make us feel better.

Homer

[moans] Okay, but they'll have to be pretty damn miserable to make me happy.

Homer

Is this car $15,000?

[rubs off the $12,000 price tag] It is now. And because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the undercoating for two hund—No, four hundred and ninety bucks!

Homer

What a deal! I'd be a sucker not to get it!

Bart

I don't know about this, Dad. Shouldn't we give the money to charity or some—OW!

Oh, I'm sorry, I jabbed you with my pen.

Bart

Oww! You're still doing it!

I know.

Kent

Kent Brockman here for a follow-up with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief if he's watching?

Homer

Eh, yes… Kent. Uh, hello… jerk. We may never find you, and we should probably all stop looking. But one thing's for sure… you do exist.

Kent

Strong words. Strong, bewildering words.

Bart

There was no burglar. I accidentally burned up the tree. And the presents. I'm really sorry.

Lisa

Why you little-! [Runs over and starts strangling Bart]

Homer

Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! [He strangles Bart]

Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.

Homer

[drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe… you're always Moe.

Marge

We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?

Homer

Well, they put us on a 'Waiting to Exhale' waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.

Homer

Singing is the lowest form of communication.

Marge

Homer, you sing all the time.

Homer

No I don't, I hate to rhyme.

Lisa

You like musicals, don't you Dad?

Homer

No, I don't, I think they're bad

Bart

Wake up Dad, you're singing a song

Homer

I wouldn't, I couldn't, I hate that stuff

Marge

Now Homer, listen, I've had enough

Cooder

Hey, you lost your money fair and square! I didn't scam nobody!

Homer

[laughing] Put down your stick. We're here to work.

Bart

Starting today, we're carnies, just like you.

Cooder

Well, in that case, let me show you how I scammed you.

Homer

The experts say that if you want an animal to do something, you should do it yourself first to show him how.

Marge

[angry] I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard!

Homer

Sorry, Your Majesty.

Chief Wiggum

Word around here is your game is crooked.

Homer

And how!

Chief Wiggum

Well, perhaps we can come to an "understanding". [holds out his hand]

Homer

I understand.

Bart

Uh, Dad?

Homer

Not now, son. Daddy's talking to the policeman.

Chief Wiggum

Let me put it to you this way. I'm looking for my friend, Bill. Have you seen any Bills around here?

Homer

No. He's Bart.

Chief Wiggum

Okay, let's try this again and watch as I wink each time. The man I'm really looking for, wink, is Mr Bribe. Wink, wink.

Homer

[pause] ...It's a ring toss game.

Chief Wiggum

All right, That's it, I'm shutting this place down.

Homer

What ain't that nothing?

Cooder

Our game, our home... What happened here?

Bart

Cops took it.

Cooder

Why didn't you bribe 'em?

Homer

I tried, but the opportunity never came up.

Homer

Carnies took over our house, you've gotta help us!

Chief Wiggum

Well well, look who it is, Mr. No Bribe. Sure, we'll help you, just sit down and wait for Detective Like I Give A Damn.

Homer

Thank you so much.

Lisa

Uh, Dad...

Homer

Honey, daddy's waiting for the detective.

Marge

We can't just give up on our house. There's got to be a way to get these guys out of there.

Bart

I say we set fire to the house, kill them that way.

Marge

We don't want to kill them, we just want our home back!

Lisa

Well... if we did set fire to the house-

Marge

No fires!

Homer

I've got it!

Marge

No fires!

Homer

Aw!

Marge

There must be a way to outsmart them.

Homer

Uh, you can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folks in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with those crooked games- That's it! Fire!

Marge

I've never heard of these Movementarians. Are they some kind of church?

Homer

Who cares what it is? The point is that these are some decent generous people that I can take advantage of.

Marge

But what if they try to talk us into something?

Homer

Marge, Marge, Marge. Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo?

Marge

You bought four of them! Thank God the check bounced.

Homer

So I beat the system.

Lisa

Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.

Homer

Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Glen

Your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years, then something might open up in a double.

Homer

Why even unpack?