Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes.

Lisa

Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.

Bart

Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.

Homer

Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?

Mountain Dew or crab juice.

Homer

Blech! Ew! Geez... I'll take a crab juice.

Homer

And that's when the CHUDs came at me...

Marge

Oh, Homer, of course you're going to have negative view of New York if all you focus on are the pimps and the CHUDs.

Homer

Hey! Hey! HEY!!

What?

Homer

Your boss told you you're fired!

I'll get him.

Lisa

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Bart

Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.

Homer

Or crapweeds.

Marge

I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.

Homer

Not if they were called scumdrops.

My mind is made up! I'm not coming back and that's final!

Edna

Oh, Seymour.

And I'm not Seymour, my name is Armin! This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of "Swank", Armin's frozen peas.

Homer

Can I see your copy of "Swank", Armin?

Yes, you can. This is Armin's life, and maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik.

Agnes

Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that!

Well, you didn't bring me up at all!

Agnes

To hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known!

But you have your real son!

Agnes

You are my real son! You've been my son longer than he has, and he doesn't need me, and I don't need him! Now you march yourself downstairs and get in that car!

Yes, Mother.

Agnes

And the rest of you, too!

Yes, Mrs. Skinner.

Homer

Boy, the way the Bee Gees played

Marge

Movies John Travolta made

Homer

Guessing how much Elvis weighed

Those were the days

Marge

And you knew where you were then

Homer

Watching shows like Gentle Ben

Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again

Homer

Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac

Marge

Coming out of my eight-track

Michael Jackson still was black

Homer

Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [thinking what Grandpa told him]

Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!

Homer

Lousy traumatic childhood.

That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks. And damn good cherry pie.

Homer

Brilliant. I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

Marge

Homer, have you seen the frozen peas?

Marge

Ahh, you keep 'em. Now listen, if we can't afford private school, maybe there's some other way to encourage Lisa. Eh, an art class! Ballet lessons! They have some fun things you can do at the museum on Saturday!

Homer

Uh-uh. Forget it, Marge. There is no way I am spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless...museums don't have foosball, do they?

Homer

You lose, Michelangelo's "David"! Who's next?

Meeeeeee!

Homer

You're mutants?

Uh, we don't like the word "mutants", Homer. We prefer "freaks" or "monsters".

You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!

Homer

Oh, I never heard of those people.

And they'll all be signing autographs!

Homer

Woo-hoo!

This match will decide once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!

Sideshow Mel

I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving.

Yeah, but not before me you ain't. [He storms out]

Ned Flanders

Now now, there's plenty exits for everyone!

Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [Puts Flanders into a headlock]

Skinner

Hey now, that's uncalled for.

Shut your hole Skinner!

Groundskeeper Willie

Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!

Marge

Homer, we've got to get out of here!

Homer

Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen]

[turns to face Homer, screaming] JOBBERS COBKNOTS, YA MUCKER!! [pulls out a crowbar]

Homer

All done! [runs off]

Homer

I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please.

Aisle six, next to the sympathy cards.

And this is for shooting down police helicopters.

Homer

Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet.