Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Kent Brockman

Remember C. Montgomery Burns? The man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy, and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985 inclusive. Well, guess who's broke and picking up trash for a living?

Homer

[watching television in the living room] Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders.

Homer

Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.

Marge

Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.

Homer

Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

Lovejoy

And the very same goes for Ezekiel, which brings us back to our starting point, The Nine Tenets of Constancy.

Homer

[yawns and hits his head on the back of the bench] DAMN IT!!! [the churchgoers gasp]

Lovejoy

[sternly clears throat] I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over.

Oh, for the love of crumb cake!

[on phone] Hai. Hai. Hai. Bye. [turns to Homer] Hi!

Homer

[hands Akira a detergent box] Akira, can you read this for me?

Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle, very popular dish detergent. [points at the mascot on the box] Hey, he looks like you! [laughs]

Lisa

What's he saying?

He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.

Lisa

Wow!

Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaidō, renowned for its countless soap factories.

Homer

Hokkaidō, eh?

Reverend Lovejoy

[regaling his congregation of his fight with the monkeys at the zoo] Baboons to the left of me. Baboons to the right. The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of the great apes rose up at me but -- bam, bam! -- I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me! [imitates hissing baboon] [quietly resolved] ...and that's when I got mad.

Homer

Now, that's religion!

Grimes

Simpson, you've got a 5-13.

Grimes

No, a 5-13, in your procedures manual? A 5-13?

Grimes

[points] Look at your control panel!

Homer

Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.

Homer

That got it.

Homer

Hi, Grimey old buddy!

Grimes

I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you! Stay the hell away from me, because from now on, we're enemies!

Homer

[haltingly] Okay... Do I have to do anything?

Homer

Oh, I can't believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.

Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.

Homer

No, I won't accept that.

No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]

Barney

[takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours!

Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.

Barney

Aw...

Grimes

[is invited to the Simpsons' for dinner] Good heavens, this is a palace! How can-- How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?

Homer

[shrugging] I dunno. Don't ask me how the economy works.

Grimes

Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I-I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley!

Homer

[clearly not getting it] Wow!

Grimes

[sees pictures on the wall] I'm sorry, isn't that...

Homer

Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford... And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins... Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space!

Grimes

You? Went into outer space?! You?

Homer

Sure! You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?

Grimes

[angrily] No! I wouldn't! God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it?! This briefcase, and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?!

Homer

... What?

Grimes

Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and [sniffs air] lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? No!

Homer

[gasps] What are you saying?

Grimes

I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.

Bart

He's got you there, Dad.

Grimes

You're a fraud. A total fraud. [he starts to leave; to Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie] It was nice meeting you. [he slams the door]

Grimes

Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!

Hey, shush!

Carl

You're making us miss the contest.

Mr. Burns

Could you explain your model, young man?

Grimes

What's to explain? He's an idiot!

Pipe down!

Homer

Well, basically I just copied the plant we have now.

Mr. Burns

Hmm.

Homer

Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance and this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.

Mr. Burns

Agreed. First prize! [Mr. Burns gives Homer a ribbon and some cash]

Grimes

WHAT?!

Carl

Way to go, Homer!

You're number one, Homer!

Grimes

But, but, t-t-this was a contest for children!

Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out!

Grimes

I can't stand it any longer! This whole plant is insane! Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] DAAGH! AAGH! [He runs out into the corridor] I can be lazy too! [yanks off his tie, and moons one of the employees] Look at me! Hi, I'm a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion! [He pulls up his pants and waddles away, cross-eyed, like a penguin. He enters the break room and grabs two donuts from a donut box] Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! [Homer, Smithers and several other employees watch as Grimes scoffs down nearly all the donuts in the box, then runs into the men's bathroom. From the bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat! Give me a raise! [comes out of the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands! But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson! [He runs into Homer's work station and spins around in the chair] I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me! [puts his feet up, and smacks himself on the forehead] D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!

Homer

[looking worried] Hey, you okay, Grimey?

Grimes

[getting up] I'm better than okay - I'm Homer Simpson!

Homer

[chuckles] You wish.

Grimes

[noticing Mr. Burns] Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster! [He notices some dangerous-looking wires on the wall] What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

Reverend Lovejoy

Frank Grimes, or Grimey as he liked to be called, taught us that a man can triumph over adversity. And even though Frank's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short...

Homer

[drooling and muttering in his sleep] Change the channel, Marge!

That's our Homer!

If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?

Bart

Mardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.

Lisa

Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.

Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.

Homer

Over there. [points at Ralph and Big Daddy in the crowd]

[points at Chief Wiggum] Look, Big Daddy! It's regular Daddy!

The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. [fans himself with his hat] Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat.

Hans Moleman

A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me. [flower wilts]

[wearing a skunk costume] And they thought I stunk.

Marge

Well, it's time to say goodnight.

Homer

I wish our special guest Tim Conway didn't have to leave so soon.

Bart

Testing. [2 megaphones] Testing. [looks at the megaphones on the wall 5 times] Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey. [devilish laughing; sets up 15 megaphones on chairs; fly buzzing; licks his lips] TESTING! [causes big sound wave explosion; echoing voice] TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING!

Homer

[berating Bart] YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME, BART!!! YOU'RE IN FOR THE PUNISHMENT OF A LIFETIME!!!

Lisa

WHEN DO YOU EXPECT THE RINGING WILL STOP?!

[checks his watch] IN ABOUT...10 TO 15 SECONDS!

Marge

I CERTAINLY HOPE SO! [gasps as the feedback stops] That's better. [Maggie takes 2 pacifiers as ear plugs out of her ears; to Bart] Now about your punishment, young man.

Bart

I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.

Homer

[stops him] Oh, no! Your room is full of toys! You're going to the, uh... garage!

Bart

You're the boss.

[checks his watch] Uh oh. Here comes the evening rush. Clear out fellas! [Hordes of mice run out of the bar as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the two barflies walk in]

Homer

Evening, Moe.

Barney

[comes out of the bathroom] Morning, Moe.

Yeah, alright, listen up, guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.

Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope. [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.