Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Hello, I'm Shary Bobbins.

Homer

Did you say Mary Pop—

[interrupts] No, I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.

Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy.

Homer

You? But you're a lady.

[mimicking Itchy] She's a lady, all right. [mimicking Scratchy] A beautiful lady.

Homer

[laughing] Hey, that really is you. How did you get to be so good?

Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner. [mimicking The Road Runner] Meep!

Homer

You mean "Meep, meep"?

No. They only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.

Doug

Uh, question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09*, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Gee, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

Uh, well, uh...

Homer

I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

Doug

[embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar]

Scratchy

Well, look who's here!

Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?

Yes, I certainly do! [his image freezes, and we hear Myers's voice dubbing over the image, saying...] I have to go now. My planet needs me.

Bart

Wow! Poochie came from another planet?

Lisa

Uh, I guess...

Homer

Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! [see Krusty on TV]

Krusty

Poochie's dead! [laughing; children in the audience cheer loudly] Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! [Blue-Haired Lawyer examines the affidavit]

Blue-Haired Lawyer

This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]

Homer, what have you got against gays?

Homer

You know! It's not...usual! If there was a law, it would be against it!

Marge

Oh, please, Homer, you're embarrassing yourself!

Homer

No, I'm not, Marge! They're embarrassing me! They're embarrassing America! They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names, like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh...

Queer?

Homer

Yeah! And that's another thing: I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it! Well, I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son!

[to workers] Hey! Listen up! I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.

[waving in a sissy-like way] Hell-o-o!

Homer

[gasps] Has the whole world gone insane?

[High-pitched effeminate voice] Stand still, there's a spark in your hair!

[Similar voice] Get it, get it, get it!

[walks past Homer holding a vat of hot steel in hot pants] Hot stuff, comin' through!

Homer

Aah!

Bart

Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?

Homer

I don't know! This is a NIGHTMARE! [to the workers; angrily turns red] YOU'RE ALL SICK!

[waves his hand] Oh, be nice!

Homer

Ohh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! [a whistle goes off] Oh my God, what's happening now?

We work hard. We play hard.

Sideshow Bob

And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.

Homer

He said tried!

Marge

Someone should really go up there and talk to him.

Marge

Homer!

Homer

Ohh, all those stairs.

Ned

Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place, and prayed to the wrong god, because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!

Homer

Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.

Ned

Well, any whodilly-doodle, the embassy says it's a routine hostage-taking, but I have to drive to Capitol City and fill out forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?

Homer

Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders, but, uh... Marge was... taken prisoner in the....Holy Land, and, uh...

Lisa

[tugging at Homer's hand] I'll do it! I'll babysit!

Ned

Well, I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young, and the boys can be a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!

Lisa

But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!

Ned

Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?

Lisa

Please, please, please?

Homer

Eh, I'll have to ask her. [slams the door]

Homer

I love these pedestrian malls. There's practically no traffic.

Marge

Homer, I think you should stop. The mayor's yelling at us.

Mayor Quimby

[shouts] Stop! You idiots!

Marge

What happened to you Homer? And what have you done to the car?

Homer

Nothing.

Marge

I don't think it had broken axles before.

Homer

Before, before. You're living in the past, Marge, quit living in the past!

Homer

Wait a minute, I forgot to make sure the coast was clear. Eh, it's probably clear, let's go.

Marge

Beer!

Homer

I can explain, Marge! Please let me explain! OH WHY WON'T YOU LET ME EXPLAIN?!

Marge

You're the one the papers have been talking about. That mysterious Beer Baron who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol. How have you been getting away with this?

Homer

Well... and I can explain remember. I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump, then bowl them, and some underground pipes stick 'em into Moe's.

Marge

Homer, that's very clever!

Homer

Huh?

Lisa

[surprised] Mom?

Marge

Well it is. I've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly 200-year old law.

Homer

It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making!

Marge

Ooh!

Lisa

Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-

GO TO YOUR ROOM LISA!

Are you the Beer Baron?

Ned

Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged.

[To Eddie and Lou] He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in!

Are you the Baron?

Comic Book Guy

Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.

Don't crack wise with me, tubby!

Comic Book Guy

"Tubby?" [looking at his ample gut] Oh, yes. "Tubby."

Homer

Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?

None of your business.

Lisa

Now you're making your own alcohol? That's even more illegal than what you were doing before.

Homer

Lisa remember we're disobeying an unjust law here. We're patriots, like... all those people in jail.

Homer

Wait a minute. Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? I've been making an idiot out of myself!

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

Chief

Baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers! [Sarah dials the phone] Thank you, Sarah!

Bart

I'm going to get the dog back!

Homer

The bad dog or the good dog?

Bart

The bad dog.

Homer

Oh, good.