[Outside the lighthouse, Homer sees a sign saying that it is operated by Earl. Deciding that Earl is his soulmate, he rushes inside]
HomerHere I come, buddy! No more loneliness for Homer and Earl!
[But when he enters the main room, he discovers that Earl is the "Electronic Automatic Robotic Lighthouse"]
Homer
A machine?! Earl's a machine?! [sarcastic] Oh, that's just perfect! Homer's desperate search for a soulmate has yielded a lighthouse-keeping robot. Oh, wow.
[His silhouette is projected by the lighthouse. Bart and Lisa see it as they brush their teeth]
Either that, or Batman's really let himself go...
Homer
This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
Homer
We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.
[chuckles] They'll buy anything.
Homer
Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.
[After a short pause, they both burst into laughter.]
Homer
I kill me!
[Marge has decided to go into the pretzel business.]
FOFrank Ormand
Your territory? Well, let me put it this way: wherever a young mother is ignorant as to what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there. Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there.
Don't forget fat people, they can't stop eating.
Homer
[passing by] Hey, pretzels.
[Homer goes to Frank Ormand's house and a woman in black answers the door.]
Homer
I'm here to see Mr. Ormand.
WWoman
Of course. Right this way.
[In the living room is Ormand's funeral being held]
Homer
Oh, I guess I should speak to the executor of his estate.
WWoman
[whispering] He's right over there. [points to another coffin] They were in the same car.
Homer
Hey! Fat Tony! You still with the mafia?
Uh, uh, yes, I am. Thank you for asking. Now, Homer, as you no doubt recall, you were done a favor by our, uh, how shall I say...Mafia Crime Syndicate.
Homer
Oh yeah.
Now the time has come for you to do us a favor.
Homer
[Gasp] You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? [Disappointed] Oh, Fat Tony. I will bid good day to you sir.
Okay...I will go [exits the building]...Hey...wait a minute.
[A sip is all that's needed to boost his batteries.]
We need some excitement around here!
Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?
No, no. Something fun. Something the men will enjoy... like a safety drill! But what kind? Meltdown alert? Mad dog drill? Blimp attack? Ah... I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today. [presses the "Fire Drill" button as the alarm goes off, most people just stare, intrigued]
All right, popcorn's ready! [takes the bag out of the microwave and pours kernels in a bowl]
Homer
Hey! That's the fire alarm!
We gotta get out of here!
[They run out of the cafeteria]
Wait for me! [filling a cup at the cocoa machine] Come on, come on, come on!
[All around the plant, it's panic and havoc. One man grabs an extinguisher, and proceeds to hit anyone nearing him.]
[Homer storms into his sector and frantically tries to decide which framed picture on his panel he should rescue. Out of all the family photos, he chooses a black and white of himself dressed like a cowboy.]
MMan
Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
[Mr. Burns and Smithers stand outside the plant, waiting for Burns' victims to evacuate.]
Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
And what's our time so far?
I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.
Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me? Ah. Here comes one of our fellows now.
[Homer runs out the door and shuts the door and secures it with a bench, before he runs, panting, to his boss.]
Homer
I think I won, Mr. Burns.
Yes! [Hauntingly] You won, all right! You won more than you bargained for.
Homer
Woo-hoo!
[Mr. Burns scolds his employees (who finally made an escape, albeit messily) for showing a lack of teamwork. Lenny and Carl get into a fistfight, proving his point. The crowd cheers the fight, but Mr. Burns shows disappointment.]
What a disgraceful display! I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.
Maybe he does, but I don't.
Homer
Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny! D'oh!
BBurns
Ah sitting, the great leveler. From the lowliest peasant to the mightiest pharaoh, who does not enjoy a good sit?
Homer
Oh, man, you are so right. Did you ever sit like this?
Yes, yes, that's it. Oh, I could go for one of those right now. Ahh! The only hard part is getting up.
Homer
He-he. Why get up? Here's a little move I have been tinkering with. Say I wanted that bowl of dip.
Why, you'd have to get up.
Homer
Oh?
[Homer pounds table, which causes bowl to leap several times until it comes into Homer's hand]
Homer
Use it wisely, my friend.
Homer
All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War recreation society I love so much.
[at Moe's, everyone, including Moe, is dressed like 1800s military generals]
[hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.
[dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.
[Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!
[Kearney applies for the nanny position]
I'm here for the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get outta line...[pounds his fist into his hand]: Pow!
Homer
I like him!
[to Homer] Thanks. Hey, where do ya keep the liquor?
Homer
I hide a bottle of Schnapps in the baby's crib.
[to Kearney] I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for!
[walks away, muttering] Tellin' me, ya blue-haired witch.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
