Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

I think I'll bottle-feed that one.

Doctor Hibbert

[voiceover from the present] A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil, it was then I knew the option was to separate you 2... immediately. [from the past] You both need to sign these. [voiceover from the present] But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boy's Town; too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. [Back in the present.] So we did the only humane thing.

Homer

We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.

Marge

It saved our marriage.

Marge

I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.

Homer

Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos. [alien whips him] D'oh!

I am not interested in buying the house, but I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. HA! Now you know how it feels!

Homer

Thank you, come again!

Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I!

Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?

Homer

[chuckles] Yes, once.

By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?

Homer

France.

[laughs] Nobody ever says Italy.

Larry

Oh, we've got to find a place to hide.

Homer

The abandoned warehouse! [they enter the warehouse. Inside, people are busily working] D'oh! Stupid economic recovery.

Are you wearing a grocery bag?

Homer

[dignified fashion] I have misplaced my pants.

Homer

Hey Bart is my son and I don't want him working [a strip tease show begins in the background] so... late.

Oh I agree, kids need rules and boundaries.

Homer

[mesmerized by the show] Yes, everyone loves rules.

It's so hard to be a parent today. Why with all the gangs, and the drugs.

Homer

Oh yea drugs, drugs, ya gotta have drugs. [walks in to watch the show]

Bart

Hey, he didn't pay the cover.

Oh Bart, he's your father... We'll comp him tonight and start a tab tomorrow.

Kirk

Singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.

Homer

The one down the hall.

Kirk

Yeah! And another great thing, you get your own bed. I sleep in a racing car, do you?

Homer

I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

Kirk

Oh. Yeah.

Homer

[screams] Ow! Ow Duh-ow! What the hell is wrong with you?!

Bart

Jeez, sorry. It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

Thank you. Come again.

It looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys. [turns to Jimmy] Frankly, I would have expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag.

Homer

[points at the auto-dialer] Hey, what's this thing?

Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer. [glances at Jimmy, then turns back to Homer] This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam. But, instead, he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. [slams his fist on the windshield, startling Jimmy. ominously] And the only way out is suicide.

Homer

Telemarketing, eh?

Ned

[answer on the phone] Howdily-doodely.

Homer

[recording] Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as--

Ned

[hangs up] Oh, it's that darn recording again.

Maude

Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.

Ned

Howdily-di--

Homer

[recording] Greetings, friends.

Ned

[hangs up again] Dang!

Maude

I told you to unplug the phone.

Ned

But it could be my mother! [the phone rings again; answers it] Howdy--

Homer

[recording] Greetings, friends.

Ned

[hangs up again] Shoot!

Maude

That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn!

Homer

[shouts through the window] WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!

Ned

[answers on the phone] Howd--

Homer

[recording] Greetings, friends.

Maude

[off-screen] Ned, did you plug that phone back in?

Homer

[shouts again] SHUT UP!!! [slams the window]

Homer

[addressing Dr. Foster in the mirror] Aw, that's it, you just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there, grinning moronly.

Ned

[to mirror] Hi, neighbor!

Homer

You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human.

Ned

Why would you say that?

Homer

Because humans are obnoxious sometimes. Humans hate things.

Ned

Well maybe a few of them do, back east.

Homer

What's that smell? Onions? Chili powder? Cumin? Juicy ground chuck?! It's chili!! Oh my God, I'm missing the chili cook-off! [whining, fidgeting] I'm missing the cook-off! It's going on right now, and I'm missing it!

Marge

[annoyed] All right! I was trying to keep it from you, but I had a good reason. Every time you go to that cook-off, you get as drunk as a poet on payday. Don't you remember what happened last year?

Homer

Look at me... I'm a puffy pink cloud!

Homer

Well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it. Now where are my chili boots? [finds them in the closet] A-ha!

Marge

Okay, we'll go to the chili cook-off, but I want you to promise that you won't have any beer.

Homer

[pulling his chili boots on] Okay, quit nagging me, I won't have any beer! Sheesh, why don't you have a cigarette or something?

Marge

Mm, I suppose I could.