Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Is there anything else you need to know? [gets in]

Homer

Uhh... What do I do in case of fire?

[The window is rolled up and his voice is muffled] Sorry, can't hear you. [Taxi starts driving off] Good luck.

Homer

Aww, just my luck.

Mr. Burns

Good Lord Smithers, you look atrocious! I thought I told you to take a vacation.

Homer

Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I am his replacement, Homer Simpson.

Mr. Burns

Simpson, eh? Ah yes, I will have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.

Homer

But I think the dodo went extinct.

Mr. Burns

Get going! And after lunch install a computer system and rotate my office so the window faces the hills!

I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back at 1947 to paint my chicken coop, and you never did it!

Chester

Those corn muffins were lousy!

Paint my chicken coop!

Chester

Make me!

Marge

That does it! One of them has to go!

Homer

Okay, Grampa.

Marge

No, the B-U-M.

Homer

Oh...

Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame now returns to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure, and the Muppets in the 1977 film The Muppets Go Medieval.

Oh princess fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?

Oh, Sir Lies-a-lot, I will! [they kiss before Sir Lies-a-lot pulls away to growl seductively]

Unhand thee swine, you swain! Come, Piggy, back to Hamelot!

Not now, frog. Me and Iron Pants are just getting acquainted. [Sir Lies-a-lot draws his sword and starts dueling the knight with very stiff and awkward coreography]

Lisa

[watching the movie, bored] Dad, what's a Muppet?

Homer

Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [starts laughing, then stops] So to answer your question, I don't know.

Bart

Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather?

Marge

That's not a leather Muppet, that's Troy McClure. Back in the 1970s he was quite the teen heartthrob.

Homer

Troy McClure? That guy's a freak!

Marge

What are you talking about?

Homer

You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard--

Marge

Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!

Selma

[to Marge] Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? [uncomfortable pause] Oh, come on! Guess which one.

Homer

I know! I know! It's Selma, right?

Homer

Doughnut?

Lisa

No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?

Homer

This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

Homer

Hello, I'd like to speak to with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura?

Eura Snotball?

Homer

What?! How dare you?! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

Homer

[after Lisa tells him about Bart's problem; his face turns a weird shade of red and he is unnervingly calm] Yes... that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?

Homer

All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.

Lisa

No! Then he'll know I told!

[speaking in a forced American accent rather than his natural Indian accent] Hey there, Homer. How's it hanging?

Homer

[walks past Apu] Low and lazy, so- [backs up and squints at Apu] Say something again.

Oh, you're just noticing the way I'm talking to you now. You see, it turns out [shows Homer the fake ID he purchased from Fat Tony earlier] I am an American citizen after all. Apparently, I just plum forgot about it. [forced laughter] Say, let's take a relaxed attitute toward work and watch the baseball match. The NY [pronounces it like the word "nigh"] Mets are my favorite squadron.

Homer

[notices that the statue of Ganesha that Apu previously had standing on the counter has been replaced by a magazine rack] Hey, you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.

[hesitates] Oh, yeah. What was I thinking with that? Who needs the infinite compassion of Ganesha when I've got [takes a magazine off the rack, voice gets progressively louder and more agitated as his natural accent returns] Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me from Entertainment Weekly with their dead eyes?! [tosses the magazine aside] Look at me! I've betrayed my Indian heritage, sir! What would my parents think of me now? [he looks at the magazine he threw aside, as Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman on the cover speak in the voices of Apu's parents, repeating what they told him before he left for America]

Make us proud, son.

Never forget who you are.

Homer

Please identify this object.

It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.

Homer

Correct. Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely forty-seven stars?

Because this particular flag is [chuckling] ridiculously out of date! The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.

Homer

Uh... partial credit.

Homer

[off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!

Barney

[off-key] I wanna dance the night away! [Abraham enters the scene]

Grampa

What the hell are you two doin'?!

Barney

It's called "rocking out"!

Homer

You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not with it.

Grampa

I used to be "with it". But then they changed what it was! Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me. [points sinisterly at Homer] It'll happen to you!

Homer

No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' forever! Forever! Forever!

Homer

[dejected] Forever... forever... forever...

Homer

I went to the record store today and they were playing all this music I never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy!

Marge

Hmm. Record stores have always seemed crazy to me, but it doesn't upset me. Music is none of my business.

Homer

That's fine for you, Marge, but I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.

Marge

So... you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show.

Homer

I don't think I have a choice, Marge.

Marge

Of course you have a choice.

Homer

How do you figure?

Marge

You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along. [Homer pauses for a beat]

Homer

You know, Marge, in some ways, you and I are very different people.

Homer

Yeah, um, give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a box of panty shields... [rapid undertone] and some illegal fireworks... [normal voice] and one of those disposable enemas. You know what? Make it two.

My apologies, sir, but the sale of fireworks is strictly prohibited in this state and is punishable by a— [sees the only other customer in the store walk out the door] follow me.

Any red-blooded, flag-fearing American would love... the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.

Homer

All right.

Marge

Ew, Homer. Whatever you're planning for tonight, count me out. Didn't you buy any meat?

Homer

[patting the giant firework] Hee, hee, hee! This baby's sure to kill somethin'!