Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?

Homer

[blissfully] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.

Ned

Wait! Homer, what did you just say?

Homer

[nastily] I SAID, "SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!!"

Ned

Oh, fair enough.

The deep fryer's here! I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.

Homer

Forty seconds?! But I want it now!

Lisa

I would like to say grace. [saying grace, while knowingly poking fun at Bart] Lord, have mercy on my soul... and Mom's soul, and Dad's soul, and Maggie's soul. And let every soul in Christendom-

Marge

Bart!

Bart

I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out]

Homer

Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls!

Silence, you fool. It can be ours.

Homer

[eats Bart's spaghetti, mouthful] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life... boy.!

Homer

I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Bart

[conga beat while Lisa folds her arms] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/

[doing the conga] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/

Marge

[joins her husband and son] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad...

Lisa

Mom!

Marge

I don't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm.

Homer

It's just a little dirty, it's still good, it's still good!

Homer

It's just a little slimy, it's still good, it's still good!

Homer

It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good!

Bart

It's gone.

Homer

I know.

Mr. Burns

You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly!

Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?

Mr. Burns

No, I'd still prefer not.

Homer

Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?

Marge

[sighs] Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.

Lisa

Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.

Bart

You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?

Homer

Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.

Marge

Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.

Homer

Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.

Marge

Homer, you're not-not talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.

Homer

Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.

Bart

Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.

Homer

Bart, go to your room!

Lisa

Why don't you just eat him, Dad?

Homer

[turns red in anger and gets frustrated] I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!

Lisa

[enraged] THAT'S IT! I CAN'T LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH THIS PREHISTORIC CARNIVORE. I AM OUT OF HERE!

Homer

THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM!

[as he enters the 3rd dimension] Oh, glory of glories. Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation.

Homer

Holy macaroni!

Homer

Hello? Yes? Oh...if you're looking for that giant donut, uh..Flanders has it. Just go smash open his house. [Homer closes the door as loud footsteps trail off] He came to life. Good for him. [smashing is heard as the screen shakes, and footsteps are heard hurriedly heading back to the Simpsons home. The doorbell rings, Homer answers and is greeted by the same angrier Lard Lad]

Ned

[running in the background] Help me Lord!

Homer

I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe. Go kill Moe.

Homer

[places a dollar on the counter] I'd like a colossal donut, please. Just like the one on the sign. [Homer is given a regular-sized donut] D'oh! Nuts... That's false advertising!

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

Sorry, sir. No refunds.

Homer

[slowly] I paid for a colossal donut, and I'm gonna get a colossal donut! [walks away]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

You don't scare us.

Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok have just reported an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen belt. Scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken.

Homer

[scoffs] Eggheads... What do they know?

Marge

Homer! Where did you get that?

Homer

Get what?

Marge

That giant donut.

Homer

Well, I acquired it legally. You can be sure of that.

Homer

[after Lard Lad continues destroying the town] Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?

Marge

[thinks to herself] Sometimes...

Lisa

Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of...Monster-itis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!

[singing] To stop these monsters 1-2-3, Here's a fresh new way that's trouble free, It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...

Lisa

[singing] Guarantee void in Tennessee.

[singing] Just don't look! Just don't look! [people turn away: the monsters turn to look] Just don't look! Just don't look! [more people turn away] Just don’t look! Just don’t look! [the monsters try to destroy things faster, but start collapsing. Paul Bunyon falls on the Springfield General Hospital, his ox Babe destroys the birthplace of Jebediah Springfield, and a flying magic carpet destroys the birthplace of Norman Vincent Peale.]

Lisa

It worked! They're all dead.

Bart

Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.

Homer

Mmm...sprinkles.

Marge

Homer! Stop looking.

Lisa

Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. [they drag him away]

Homer

[groaning] Oh!

Kodos

Here comes something!

Kang

Remember the story: we're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital. [the donut rolls by as Kang smiles] Oh, Shazbot.

Kent Brockman

Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town! Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!

Homer

We'll be right back.

Marge

[voice over] It all started on the 13th hour, of the 13th day, of the 13th month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.

Homer

[shivering, looking at the calendar] Oh, lousy Smarch weather. [spies the thermostat with a note from Willy over it and reads it] "Do not touch. Willie." Good advice! [cranks it]

Principal Skinner

Our next budget item: $12 for doorknob repair.

Nay!

Principal Skinner

Recharge fire extinguishers? Now, this is a, uh, free service of the fire department...

Nay!

Homer

Nay.

Groundskeeper Willie

[still on fire] Help! Please help me!

Principal Skinner

Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor.

Kirk Van Houten

Er, I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having 2 spaghetti meals in one day.

Groundskeeper Willie

[looking like a skeleton] You'll pay for this...with your children's blood!

Chief Wiggum

Oh, right. How are you going to get them? Skeleton power?

Groundskeeper Willie

I'll strike where you cannot protect them... in their dreams!