A character in The Simpsons
Played by Dan Castellaneta
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Simpsons: in 1,595 of its 3,477 quotes
Most scenes with: Marge Simpson (400), Bart Simpson (338), Lisa Simpson (249)
[Burns is seated in an auditorium.]
Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
Excellent.
[Anthony Hopkins is wheeled in restrained a la Hannibal Lecter]
Excellent. [hisses]
Next!
[William Shatner appears, dressed as Captain Kirk]
Ex...cel-lent!
Next!
HomerExactly. Heh, heh... d'oh!
Next!
Excellente!
Es muy bueno.
Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.
Homer[laughing hysterically, but Marge and Jay are clearly displeased] This contest is over! Give that man the $10,000.
This isn't "America's Funniest Home Videos".
HomerBut... the ball! His groin! Ah ha! It works on so many levels! [laughs more] Roll it again.
Homer[thinking] 'Hmm... Barney's movie had heart, but "Football in the Groin" had a football in the groin.'
[on-screen] Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.
HomerWow. I'll never drink another beer.
Beer here!
HomerI'll take ten.
HomerOK, Marge, I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks.
Homer, don't be offended, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.
Homer[looks through the papers of the court order] Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.
HomerMan, these are primo seats. I could really go for a hotdog.
Homer, this is an operation!
Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!
HomerWoo-hoo!
HomerLisa, honey, are you going to be okay?
Bleeding Gums was my hero and I never got to tell him how I felt.
HomerOh, I'm sure he knew, and I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's happy.
But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do.
[Maggie gives Lisa a pacifier]
Thank you. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
HomerWell, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
Uh huh.
HomerRemember, honey?
Yeah.
HomerWhat I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
[wailing] Oh, Dad! [weeps]
And I won't rest until all of Springfield knows the name Bleeding Gums Murphy!
HomerAnd I won't rest until I've gotten a hotdog.
Homer, this is a cemetery.
Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!
HomerWoo-hoo!
What do you do, follow my husband around?
Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
[Lisa feels sad for the loss of his friend, so Homer tells her]
HomerLisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo, it preserve the things you love. [Homer looks the tattoo on his arm] "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck!
[points at birdbath] Deeaaaaath!
HomerShush, dear. You'll wreck daddy's fun.
[singing] Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in ... [gasps] Oh, my Lord! Something horrible has happened!
Homer[uncontrollably laughing] Fooled you, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead!
Aw, a car impound lot: the impenetrable fortress of suburbia!
We'll never get the tree back now.
Keep your voices down, boys; we didn't come this far to get found out.
HomerFOUND 'EM! YOU KIDS ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, RUNNING FROM HOME LIKE THAT!
They stole our lemon tree!
HomerAlthough he did send us this thank you card.
[reading aloud on the card] "Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie." Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
[Homer snatches the card, looks at it, and lowers, his pupils shrinking due to rage as ominous music plays, Bart and Lisa look quite frightened]
HomerKids, would you step outside for a second? [Bart and Lisa run off of the room, he stands up, and inhales a gust of air...] F—
[At the church, the organ booms and a flock of birds scatter from the bell tower, the neighbors stunned and look at the Simpson house]
[from next door; gasps] Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!
[Homer is pointing Chief Wiggum's gun at Mr. Burns's forehead]
HomerSay it, Burns! Say I never shot you! ...before.
[unaware] Shot? By you, my primitive friend, I'm afraid not. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to correctly operate a firearm. The one who shot me was...[scans the crowd; screams] MAGGIE SIMPSON!
[Homer and Marge enjoy a day at the spa, lounging in a sauna]
This is soooo relaxing. Homie, this is a wonderful idea.
HomerHehehe, yeah. If that Mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.
[off-camera] Aw don't mind-a me. Look, I do it first.
[The sound of a towel dropping to the floor is heard. Homer and Marge stare uncomfortably]
[Bart and Lisa have been taken by Social Welfare and are taken to the Flanders' house.]
HomerWe leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!
Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!
HomerOkay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...
I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. I wear the same stupid sweater everyday at--
HomerThe Springfield River!
Bart SimpsonNancy Cartwright · 792 quotes
Marge SimpsonJulie Kavner · 677 quotes
Lisa SimpsonYeardley Smith · 585 quotes
MSMoe Szyslak164 quotes
Mr. BurnsHarry Shearer · 140 quotes
Ned FlandersHarry Shearer · 107 quotes
MVMilhouse Van Houten97 quotes
Krusty the ClownDan Castellaneta · 81 quotes
NMNelson Muntz79 quotes
WSWaylon Smithers73 quotes
Chief WiggumHank Azaria · 72 quotes
Principal SkinnerHarry Shearer · 66 quotes
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