Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Hey, Flanders! Gas up your leaf blower much? [notices Flanders' hen house] Chickens?! Since when do you have chickens?

Ned

Oh, about six months.

Homer

Well, they've been driving me crazy. Get rid of them!

Ned

[chuckles] Don't let these feathery fellas ruffle your feathers, fella.

Homer

Chickens. You have yourself a perfectly good coop, and that's what you keep in it? [whistles]

Ned

Oh, Homer, surely you know there's nothing tastier than a fresh-laid egg! [to Rod and Todd] How do you want 'em, boys?

Coddled! Coddled! Coddled!

Ned

[chuckles] What is it about boys and their coddled eggs?

Bart

[to Homer, who's watching football] Dad, I'm worried. No one is falling for my pranks anymore!

Homer

Son, I know this seems like the biggest disappointment of your life, but trust me, there are going to be so many more. What you've got to remember is... Oh my God, 13 men in the field! Review it, review it, review it! Yes!! Play stands!

Lisa

Mom, I've been working on a new solo jazz piece.

Marge

[groans] Can I hear it? [Lisa starts playing her jazz solo]

Homer

Oh, I'd love to stay and listen, but I'm late for work! [leaves and comes back with Snowball V] Here's another super-fan to hear you lay down your licks! [leaves, comes back, puts glasses and a beret on Snowball V and leaves again]

Homer

[To Maggie who had her hair cut like Bart's] Why you little!

Bart

Dad, no! You're gonna strangle a baby!

Homer

[gasps] Oh my God. That would've been horrible! [to Bart] Why you little! [strangles him] Turning a sweet little baby into a you! [sits beside him] Bart, you're a great kid, but if I had another one like you, I'd hang myself from a highway overpass! Please, give your sister the precious gift of not being you.

Bart

Okay Dad. Mags, it was fun while it lasted. [puts her hair back to normal]

Homer

Huh? Ha! I didn't know it was that easy. [makes Bart's hair look like Maggie's]

Bart

Stop that! [makes his hair like Sideshow Bob's]

Homer

Aah! Sideshow Bob!

Lisa

[offscreen] Did you put the baby to sleep? [Maggie wakes up]

Homer

D'oh!

Rev. Lovejoy

Bless you all for sacrificing your Saturday afternoon to help us clean up skid row.

Homer

When God came for Sunday I said nothing. Now he comes for Saturday.

Ned

Homer Simpson, it's one thing to moan and groan on the bus, but in front of these unfortunates, well... [scoffs] that just curls my 'stache! [his mustache curls a bit]

Homer

Hey, Flanders, why don't you take some advice from your Bible and zip it?

Ned

Oh, where does the Bible say "zip it"!?

Homer

It's the first thing the burning bush said to Moses! [a homeless man approaches Homer]

Thank you for teaching us Scripture. [hugs Homer while he shows his tongue to Ned] Thank you.

Marge

Homer, you have to do more!

Homer

Ook?!

Marge

I'm getting tired of your "Ooks". I can't do this alone. Where's your chore list?

Homer

Oh, I'm taking care of that! It's laminated. And to make sure I do it... [shows Marge a doodle of her on the back of the chore list] Hmm?

Lisa

I've never seen this. It must've been left by some previous owner.

Homer

Holy moly, a valuable antique car!! This is the find of a lifetime! Oh, it's a stick.

Lisa

Dad, shouldn't we see who owns the car?

Homer

Now, sweetie, according to the ancient law of Trover, abandoned property passes to the subsequent landowner.

Bart

Man, ever since you watched Medieval Tomb Robbers on the History Channel, everything with you is Trover, Trover, Trover!

Homer

Boy, either show me a writ of replevin or pipe down!

Homer

Well, if it isn't my favorite gal in my favorite room!

Marge

I'm glad you had a good day.

Homer

You don't sound glad.

Marge

I'm not glad.

Homer

But you said you were glad!

Marge

You need to read between the lines.

Homer

Why? There's just white space there.

Marge

[crying] I'm sorry, Homie. Your life is full of fun surprises. My life sucks!

Homer

[thinking] Uh-oh. Tissues. [Marge lays down on the bed] W... would it help if I rubbed your back? Huh? Eh? Uh...

Marge

Your hands smell like steering wheel.

Homer

Poor Marge. What do I do? Help me, universe! [the doorbell rings and Homer opens the door] Jay Leno?!

Hiya! I was just passing in my 1973 Citroen DS Pallas when I saw that classic Morgan with the original wood dash interior. Man, I... I'd like to buy it!

Homer

You'll have to pay cash with no questions asked.

How much you want?

Homer

I said no questions!

Marge

Do you want to practice your speech on me?

Homer

[chuckles] No need, honey! Same speech I give every year. The opening joke about Lenny's grandma always kills.

Marge

You can't joke about her. They just put her on life support.

Homer

What?! No! She's the linchpin!

Marge

It's okay, it's okay. Everyone is terrified of public speaking. But just in case, I'll defrost a failure ham.

Homer

You don't have faith in me! I have savers! If I get heckled, I'll say, "Get a half-life!".

Marge

I'm sure that'll be funny to them.

Marge

Ooh. Throwing away your "No Girls" sign? Is it time for you to have "the talk" with your dad? Because he's gonna have to read a few things first.

Bart

No! I'm tearing it down. Ralph has a cool treehouse, and mine sucks.

Marge

Well, Bart, your father built it, and he did the very best he could.

Homer

I did my job. Now it's your turn, tree! Get growing!

Quitting time!

Carl

Quitting time!

Homer

Thank God it's Friday.

Thursday.

Homer

Same thing. See you Monday!

Homer

[on a phone call with Marge] Marge, baby, I'm out the door.

Marge

Are you sure? Because sometimes people say they're out the door when they really haven't left yet.

Homer

Those people are horrible, horrible liars. See you soon! [hangs up the phone]

Mr. Burns

Simpson! Not so fast. Hold up one end of this poster! [Homer and Smithers hold a "Safety first, last and always" poster] Now use it to conceal this. [they close a leak with the poster] Excellent. Now, let me just crank up the plumb bob to determine the vertical marvel, we'll have this poster level in under three hours!

Homer

Marge is right, Your Honor. My e-mail password is "bad dad."

Bart

Yeah, Judge. If you wanna know who should be in jail, he weighs 240 and smells like onions. [Homer slaps Bart in the back of the head]

Marge

What a beautiful day for a family stroll!

[carrying his octuplets] Tell that to my aching back!

Bart

[groans] It's not a family stroll! Homer forgot where he parked his car last night and now we have to find it!

Marge

What a beautiful day to be in denial!

Lisa

Yeah, Bart, who cares? The sun is shining, birds are singing, people... are... staring up at the sky in terror?

Homer

Do you see it, Lisa? There's... nothing... there.

And that's where Lard Lad used to be!