Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[pushing a turtle with a broom] Shoo! Shoo now!

Just pick them up!

Marge

Eh... They feel weird.

Homer

No, no, honey. I love everything your force me to do. And sometimes if you do all that, you get a very special night.

Bart

And what does that get you?

Homer

Hopefully not a you.

Lisa

Bart, some of your biggest heroes are dancers. Krusty was on Dancing with the Stars until a panel of experts determined he wasn't a star.

Ned

And done. Proud of you boys.

Homer

[flips the fence to the brown side] Thanks for painting my fence stupid Flanders!

Ned

Homer Simpson reorder that border. We've been painting since sun-up.

Homer

Half the fence is mine.

Ned

Fine. Let the good lord decide.

Homer

[spins the fence] D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! [the fence comes to a stop at the painted side] Woo-hoo!

Selma

Hello, Homer. Marge is getting ready for a date!

Homer

[sad] Marge? On a date?

Selma

Yep! But I'll make you a deal: I'll try to save your marriage if you can guess which one I am.

Homer

Patty?

Selma

Wrong!! [hangs up on Homer, who starts crying]

Homer

Then they called me "Stinkson"! That's not even my name!

Lisa

What happened? Our family's been ostracized for lots of things, but never our hygiene. [silence] Rarely our hygiene. [silence] Never my hygiene!

Patty

I'm about to say something I never thought I'd say to you... Something nice.

Homer

Mmhh?!

Patty

I only mock you because I'm jealous of what Marge has on you. I only have Selma, and now I don't even have that.

Homer

Oh, Patty, I waited so long for you to open a window of niceness.

Patty

No, that was it, window shut.

Lisa

Why are you locking up the house?

Homer

[scared] Wha...? [heavily breathing] Why does anything happen? Why are blue jeans blue? Who invented haircuts? [laughs] It's all just stuff I'm saying!

Homer

Marge, do you know how it feels when you have a man to provide you everything you need?

Marge

I have thought a lot about that, and I have to say... no.

Lisa

Mom! Dad! I've discovered the most amazing thing, I can't wait... hum... Where's Bart?

Marge

He's safe.

Homer

And more importantly: We're safe.

Marge

[sobs] I miss him so much! [combs Santa's Little Helper's fur like Bart's hair]

Lisa

Hmm... Can I call him?

Homer

You can call his guard, Tico. He picks up sometimes.

Lisa

I see... Okay... I'll do that. [leaves]

Marge

Homie, where did we go wrong?

Homer

I don't know, sweetie. I don't know. We did everything we could for him during the commercials.

Lisa

[to Homer] In a way, we're teaching a computer to predict the future.

Homer

Young lady, what have I told you about crossing the line from science fact to science fiction?

Lisa

Relax, Dad. All we're trying to do is demo a build for the AppCrush convention.

If we can solve our backened server issues... [Homer moans]

Lisa

...And maximize our query speed... [Homer moans]

...Then we can get hands-on write-ups from DoingDoing. [Homer moans]

Lisa

And JezeBot. [Homer moans]

And our AMA subreddit will be trending [Homer moans]

Lisa

Giga-trending!!

Homer

Aah!! I hate the modern world and all its crazy words! [on the phone] Siri, tell Amazon to drone me a beer. [a drone enters from the window and gives Homer a Duff Beer can]

Lisa

Oh my god! I just got invited to my first third grade party!

Homer

Are the parents gonna be home?

Lisa

Yes.

Homer

Pft! Lame!!

Bart

Guys, I need to sharpen my mustaches. Which is better? A, [changes it to a downwards position] or B? [keeps changing it between upwards and downwards] A or B? A or B? A or B!? A or... B?

Talk to me.

Homer Simpson

Yes. I need a milk refund!

Right. Um, address please? Wait, hold on. [grabs a knife and carves at a thief's forehead] "742 Nevergreen"…oh, Evergreen Terrace. Sorry, our system's a little slow!

Marge

Oh, Apu, it's good to see you doing so well. I know you can't turn your head, but you've got a great view. Oh! Are you okay?

Homer

Marge, he's got nine lives.

I am a Hindu, sir, not a cat. I have infinite lives during some of which I may be a cat. In those I do have nine.

Marge

Oh, this tile is lose! I'll have to call a handy man.

Homer

Eh... Why did you say it like that, with the pause between the words? Are you saying I'm not handy?!

Marge

That's how you say it. Handy man.

Homer

It's handyman!

Marge

That's what I said! handy [pause] man.

Homer

[angrily] Marjorie, there is the profession: handyman, and there are men who are handy! Which are you saying I'm not? Tell me...

Marge

A handy [pause] man. [Homer exclaims angrily]

Bart

Face it, Homeboy, you ain't handy! Unless we need a big fat paperweight.

Homer

I'll paperweight you!! [sits on Bart]

Marge

Homie, sweetie, replacing a tile is something you really need a professional for.

Homer

I know how to replace a tile! All guys do! We talk about it all the time. Grout?

Marge

There's no stopping what I've started here. Here's your tile! [puts the tile on Homer's plate] Have fun! Handy [pause] man! [leaves]

Homer

Wow, an indoor water park! Hopefully, this will put the final nail in the coffin of lakes and rivers.

Marge

Well, as a mother, I...

Homer

We all know you're a mother.

Marge

As a mother, I like that wherever I look, I can see a lifeguard.