Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Kent Brockman

In response to the outcry, Lard Lad's parent company, Tianjin Mining and Smelting and Donuts, has issued the following statement: "We are rebranding Lard Lad with an updated statue."

Homer

Ooh, rebranding!

Lisa

That just means admitting failure, Dad.

Homer

Ooh, admitting failure!

Marge

I know you're in a hurry to go to the bar to watch football, but first, I want you to put the kids to bed.

Homer

Ugh!

Marge

Yay!

The only Boston wins is because they cheat! Listening in our teams' headsets, fattening our cheerleaders, you know, for three games last year, Boston used a volleyball painted brown!

That was never proven, you Springfield screw-job.

Ugh! Boston fans. In town for the Dennis Lehane book tour.

Go kiss a Kennedy, you rule-breaking cranberry squeezers!

We don't cheat! We won 12 division titles in ten years, fair and square!

You dorks are just jealous of all our championship rings! [they start kissing their hands]

Homer

You're the one who's jealous. I only wish I could be as jealous as you!

Geez, Jay, this place has got more knobs than a hardware store. I hate this town!

Jay

So don't I. Frigging doorknobs [they laugh]

Automatic! [they kiss their hands again]

Aahh!!! Sideshow Bob! [Kang or Kodos gets out from behind a tree] Aahh!!! One of you guys!

Homer

Who?

Frank Grimes

I'm the guy who hated you. Hated you! Died from my hatred of you!!

Homer

[giggles] Good old Grimey.

Sideshow Bob

To the point, we are evil geniuses who, somehow, lost every battle we've had with Homer Simpson.

Homer

[eating tinsels] What?

Sideshow Bob

So we decided to form this furious four!

Frank Grimes

Bob, seriously man, one suggestion? Shut up! I mean, the baby is already asleep.

Sideshow Bob

Awww.

Homer

Attention lovers of studio perfectionism, I drugged all the concessions so you'll do what I say!

Drugs at a Steely Dan concert? I never thought I see the day.

Homer

Angry mob, kill the intruders. Steely Dan, play "Deacon Blues". No, "Royal Scam". No, "Babylon Sisters".

Homer

I was in line for that job and I lost it to someone who barely speaks English! It's humidifying.

Well, then why the hell don't you do something about it?!

Homer

Huh? Who said that?!

Me!

Homer

Who are you?

I'm your ambition!

Homer

How come I never met you before?

I've been locked up for 30 years by Apathy and Alcoholism!

Marge

Concussions!! [knocks Homer's soda into his hot dogs]

Homer

Concessions!!

Kirk

Okay, vultures... uh... Okay, um...

Forget it! I'm out.

Kirk

Uh... Vultures, almost every kid wears a retainer, and that is not cool! [shows Milhouse's braces] But this retainer is a de-lamer. As it turns this grill from blah to bling! [puts a golden retainer on his mouth with "MILHOUSE" written on it]

Ooh!

Homer

Oh, now that's a Milhouse I'd marry!

Marge

Homer, are you ever planning on putting this stuff together?

Homer

Sure, right after I watch this DVD. [pushes the TV back to its normal position]

Marge

[groans] Just what are you watching that's so important? [grabs the DVD case] Outstanding College Mascot Fights?

Homer

S.E.C. edition.

Bart

Okay, here's a shot: you're not bald, your hair left out of embarrassment.

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why, you little.... [he grabs Bart's neck with a towel to strangle him, Bart throws his basketball into the hoop] I'll teach you to win the game! [angrily strangles Bart] You stupid buzzer-beating, clutch-shooting ice water in your veins here comes the post-game interview! You have to give them credit they played hard!

Bart

Oh, come on, man. I'm taking my talents to Shelbyville. This is the first thing you've done as a coach. People are gonna hear about this, Dad.

Homer

I'm so proud of these boys, and especially our sixth man and knights.

Bart

You're still nicer than Bobby Knight.

Homer

[stops strangling Bart, turns his face normal] All right, let me hear your side.

Marge

Wait a minute?

Homer

D’oh?

Turn left.

Homer

You're the driver.

Homer

Aw, water soup again?

Marge

Now, it's crow soup.

Homer

Ooh, I call an eye!

Lisa

Me too!

Bart

Me three!

Marge

And Maggie gets the break.

Maggie

Aaaeeey! Uh-Ah!

Son, is that you?

Homer

No.