SpongeBob SquarePants · Season 3
SpongeBob, how did that movie of yours end?
The movie? Oh! Yeah! The ending was great! Turns out, there weren't any robots after all! It was just their imagination. Hey, it's time to feed Gary! [bolts right out of the Krusty Krab]
[glares at Squidward lividly as he nervously begins sweeping up all the devices] GRRRRRRR... SQUIDWARD!!!!
Patrick, breakfast is ready.
[sees the whole table of homemade breakfast meals] All right! All this parenting stuff makes me hungry. [lifts the table to gobble up food, then burps] Hey, Junior. How you doing today? [smells the stink] SpongeBob.
Yes, Patrick.
Kid's got a stinky.
Can you take care of him? My hands are kind of full.
[drinks a coffee while Junior begins to cry] Wish I could, but I'm gotta get going.
Going? Where are you going?
Going to work. I'm the dad, remember?
You mean I have to do this baby stuff myself?
I'll give you the break when I get home. Don't you stop being adorable. [laughs as he close the door]
Okay...
[walks in with a lampshade over his head, giggling and turns on the light] Oh boy, that was some party! [SpongeBob is wearing his mother-like clothing and holding Junior and he gives Patrick a bitter look. SpongeBob is quiet and bitter outside, but in the inside, is very furious with Patrick for breaking his promise again] Oh, hey, SpongeBob. Hey, Junior. [SpongeBob now looks at Patrick angrily as he taps one of his bare feet] What? What?!
[coldly] Oh, nothing.
[relieved and stupidly] Oh, what a relief. [stupidly takes the lampshade off his head and foolishly puts it on SpongeBob] For a second there, I thought you were mad at me.
[angrily takes the lampshade off his head] Do you remember what you said to me this morning?
Something about root beer, right?
[takes a deep breath, flatly] No.
Oh, wait, wait, let me guess. [confusedly gives up] I give up.
Does "you can take the night off, pal" ring a bell?
[scoffs in annoyance] I don't need this. [angrily walks outside]
What?! [angrily walks to the door] Where do you think you're going?
[opens his rock; angrily] I'm going back to work! [gets inside and closes his rock]
Work!? [growls in fury, rips off his foam rollers. He walks outside to Patrick's rock. He furiously opens it up, and finds Patrick in his easy chair, watching TV]
[two "bonk" sounds are heard on the TV; laughs] He got hit in the head with two coconuts!
[angrily] So, this is work?
You know, it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes, I gotta move the antenna, sometimes, I lose the remote, and sometimes my butt itches real bad!
[sarcastically] Oh, you poor, poor thing. By the way, you forgot your briefcase! [pulls a briefcase out from behind his back, and opens it up to reveal that it is filled with sundaes and donuts as he angrily dumps it all over Patrick]
[quietly but fumingly] Oh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime.
[Becomes enraged; his balls his fists and his entire body shakes. He then loses his temper and goes ballistic on Patrick; his mouth has become huge. He screams intensely with fury] OVERTIME?!?! [jumps into Patrick's rock]
[SpongeBob and Patrick begin to argue intensely and abusively. Junior's chirping intensifies, which makes the two finally stop arguing and listen to it]
There's that stupid noise again!
Oh, that's not a stupid noise. That's just Junior about to jump out of that two-story window.
[Junior is teetering on the edge of the window of SpongeBob's house, ready to fly]
Oh.
[immediately realize what was going to happen; their eyes bulge in horror] JUNIOR!!!
Well, Patrick, he doesn't need us anymore.
This is the hardest part of every parent's life, I assume.
Despite all we've been through, it was worth it.
Yeah. Let's have another.
[SpongeBob looks alarmed]
Let me give you two a warning: this here paint is absolutely permanent! It will never come off! So I see... even one drop... ON ANYTHING BUT WALL...I'LL HAVE YOUR REAR ENDS CUT OFF AND MOUNTED OVER ME FIRE PLACE! So, have fun with the job!
Okay, Patrick, let's get our brushes ready. [holds up his big brush] Uhh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. [throws the big brush to the right of him then takes another small brush and gets a hair out of his nose. Patrick does the same, but out comes a large bunch of nose hairs. SpongeBob dips the brush into the can and then faces the wall] All right, Patrick, gotta get started painting this wall. With the permanent paint that we aren't allowed to get on anything but the wall. Well... here we go.
One hour later...
Just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I'll be painting this wall.
Two hours later...
I'm getting to the painting...
Three hours later...
[holds the timecard, breaking the fourth wall] Can you move it along? I'm all out of timecards.
[standing by a washing machine] Did it work?
[comes out from the washing machine with the dollar, still with paint on it, in his hands; he also has a bra on his head] Nope.
[sanding the dollar in Patrick's hand] Did it work? [Patrick's hands are gone]
Nope.
[uses a fire hose to shoot a massive stream of water at Patrick, who screams in pain offscreen] Did it work?
[holds up the dollar that left a hole in his body from the force of the water, except for the part blocked by his arms] Nope.
[The camera pans along various tools that apparently failed at the task. Meanwhile, SpongeBob is beating up the dollar, but Patrick takes the hits] Oof! Oof! Oof! [later shows SpongeBob with a baseball bat and Patrick with a black eye and neck brace, still holding the dollar]
Nothing's working!
Wait, SpongeBob! We're not cavemen! [walks over to a computer] We have technology! [picks up the computer and angrily grunts as he smashes it on the dollar]
It didn't work.
Did you two get paint all over me first dollar?
We're sorry, Mr. Krabs!
[simultaneously] We're so sorry!
[looks at dollar again] And then did you draw on it with crayon?! [dollar has a smiley face and two dollar signs drawn on with green crayon]
[holding green crayon while SpongeBob stares at him] I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it.
Alright boys, you know what I've gotta do now?!?
You mean our butts?
Can I use mine one last time?
[takes the dollar off the frame, licks it, and sets it back; the paint has washed off] There we go, good as new. [SpongeBob and Patrick stammer "but" nonstop] Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva. [laughs]
Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs! You told us the paint was permanent, so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything!
Nah, I just like to mess with ya! [laughs as SpongeBob and Patrick grimace and leave in disgust; Mr. Krabs ends up spitting while laughing, washing off all the paint on the walls] Aw, crud. I really gotta learn to say it, not spray it.
Sounds like a lot of --
Hoopla!
Eh, sounds like a lot of --
Hoopla!
Sounds like a --
Hoopla! [scrolls over to him yelling] Hoopla!
[Someone off screen throws a brick at the fish, knocking him unconscious. The screen scrolls back to the patty.]
Sounds like a lot of hoopla to make over a Krabby Patty, am I right? [laughs] WRONG!
But for every good employee, there is one who is not so good. [about Squidward] Let's see, inattentive, impatient, a glazed look in the eyes. Look carefully at the "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now!" button. There's a name for employees like this, but we'll call him..."Squidward".
[as Squidward occupies himself in the bathroom] Remember, no employee wants to be a Squidward.
Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else.
Ah-ah-ah, Squidward, remember what Mr. Krabs says.
The money is always right.
The ceiling is right, Squidward. You're not a very good employee.
[as Squidward causes an incident for slipping] Don't worry, Squidward. Mr. SquarePants can cover for you.
Hear me, Krabs! You'll take this Krabby Patty from me when you pry it from my cold, dead...[as he is getting picked up by Mr. Krabs; in a high-pitched voice] Felicitations, malefactors! I am in town to find my minions! And I just know how to speak their lang- [Mr. Krabs flicks him outside the Krusty Krab] (screams)
[SpongeBob continues to run and scream]
Chocolate? Did you say chocolate?
[holds two chocolate bars: one with a peanut logo, and one without] Yes, sir, with or without nuts.
[going mad] Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?! CHOCOLATE!!!! [SpongeBob and Patrick are concerned and slowly back away from the screaming fish. They then run off as Tom chases them while madly screaming] CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
