SpongeBob SquarePants · Season 3
Meow.
[gasps] Gary! Squidward is not a freeloader, and he would never take advantage of me!
Three weeks later...
He's just having a hard time getting his confidence back. [falls down]
Many months later...
I'm sure he's close to a breakthrough. [falls down again]
So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one...
Meow, meow, meow.
I know he still isn't looking for work! Don't rub it in!
Back in Texas, we call ice cream "frozen cow juice."
[looks like SpongeBob; has a cool black wig] What's shakin', my man?
Not much. Say, haven't I seen you before?
Doubt it. I'm a drifter, just blew into town. Heard your club was pretty tough, thought I'd check it out.
Nice try, kid. I know it's you.
What're you talking about? [Reg pulls his hair, but it's real hair]
[pulls the drifter's hair, but it's his real hair] Aha!
[enters, wearing a rainbow afro clown wig] Hey, everybody, what's goin' on?
[Reg tries to fix the drifter's hair]
Hey, what about me? I was in that scrap.
Ho ho, I saw you running. when you get in a real fight, then we'll talk.
Well then, I guess it's time to take it up a notch. [spins his legs, then his arms, trying to snap his fingers, but they're cracked in half; cut to SpongeBob showing his broken fingers, he cries and runs off, Scene cuts to SpongeBob with his fingers in a bowl of ice cream in a banana split, whimpering]
Care for another sundae, weenie?
[jumps angrily] I am not a weenie!
Relax, you're among friends. [raises his drink]
My friends don't hang out at Weenie Hut Jr's. [scroll over to Patrick in the seat next to him]
You tell 'em, SpongeBob! [sips his drink]
Patrick, what're you doing here?
I'm always here on Double Weenie Wednesdays.
Actually, they moved Double Weenie Wednesday to Friday.
And besides, today's Monday.
Oh, so it's Mega Weenie Monday?
Uhh, that's now on Sunday.
Barnacles!
Super Weenie Hut Jr's has a Mega Weenie Monday.
Uhh, no, you're thinking of Monster Weenie Monday.
Yeah, I feel pretty sorry for the next guy who looks at me funny.
Hmmm... what about that guy? [points at a muscular fish]
[gasps and stammers] I, uh... [laughs] don't be silly. He's not botherin' anybody. I mean, not like... that guy! [points at Patrick]
Who, me?
Yeah, you! Standing there all smiling and whatnot... Somebody oughta teach you some manners!
Okay, but I must warn you: I happen to be a world championship... uh... [reading his hand] "...kick...box...er." [winks and gives a thumbs-up]
I don't care if you're the demon seed of Davey Jones! You're going down, Tubby!
[record scratch, tears up] "Tubby"...? [Growls viciously as SpongeBob is nervous] NOBODY CALLS ME "TUBBY"!!!!! [punches SpongeBob in the face, giving him a black eye]
Wait, Patrick! You're supposed to let me win, remember?
I never thought I'd say this, but go ahead in.
Really? I can go in? Oh my gosh, I never thought this moment would come! I, SpongeBob SquarePants, am tough enough to get into the Salty Spittoon! This is the happiest day of my liiiife! [walks in; scene cuts to an ambulance driving down the street with SpongeBob in bandages and Sandy by his side]Sandy? [groans]What happened?
You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube. [ambulance arrives at the hospital; scene cuts to Sandy wheeling SpongeBob in front of the doctor]
What happened?
I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos!
Boo-boos, eh? Hmmm...I think you guys want that hospital. [points across the street to another hospital]
Weenie Hut General?!
Please, Mr. Krabs, you got to help me! When they get here tonight, they're going to see I'm just a big phony and a loser!
Ohh, boo-hoo! Let me play a sad song for you on the world's smallest violin. [rubs his fingers and sad violin music plays]
This is serious!
I know. This really is the world's smallest violin. [tiny violin is shown] See?
Mr. Krabs! Please let me run the restaurant for just one night! I really need to impress Squilliam!
Squilliam? [Squilliam's unibrow appears above Mr. Krabs' head] That guy who made millions doing what you wish you could do?
Don't rub it in.
Why didn't you tell me? We'll take him to the cleaners.
Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible. [Patrick appears with an army hat] Patrick, what are you doing here?
I thought the core would help me straighten out my life, sir!
The core? What---- Pat, this isn't the...oh! [sighs] Beggars can't be choosers. Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner?
You mean like a weenie? Okay! [talking silly with a goofy expression on his face] May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I...
[puts his hand over Patrick's mouth] Alright! I've heard enough! You've got the job.
Mr. Krabs, you gotta take 'em out of the... [gasps] HOLY FISH PASTE, WHAT IS THAT?!?! [sees a grotesque pile of goop with gross things sticking out of it]
That's the appetizer.
But I thought you said you were the head chef on the S.S. Gourmet.
Did I say that? No. I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea.
[Inside SpongeBob's thoughts]
Just got an order from the boss - dump everything that isn't about fine dining!
Everything?!
Everything!
[Show the SpongeBobs getting rid of everything]
Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?
You don't pay me. We don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.
One more crack like that, and you're outta here!
No, please! I have three kids!
What really won me over was your brilliant waiter. It's as if all he knows is fine dining, and breathing! [to SpongeBob] I must know your name!
[Record scratches as SpongeBob is nervous]
My name?
Yes, your name, son.
Uh... Beef Wellington?
[chuckles] No, your name.
Uh... uh... the fork on the left?
Heh. Stop joking. Tell him your name.
My name...?
[Zoom inside of SpongeBob's brain again where all the SpongeBobs are trying to search for a name]
[as he checks file cabinets] What's his name?! What's his name?! I've got nothing on a name!
[pressing a key on a keyboard connected to a computer] Come on, baby, what's the name?! [The computer bursts into flames. Panicked shouting is heard from other smaller SpongeBobs as they are running wildly around while papers are flying]
WE THREW OUT HIS NAME!
[More smaller SpongeBobs begin to run around while more papers are flying. SpongeBob's brain then breaks in half. The scene cuts back to Squilliam and Squidward with SpongeBob stammering for a moment. Then he splashes water on Squilliam and then starts to bark and going wild]
Oh, I am so very sorry! I don't know what has gotten into that-- [screams as he notices SpongeBob with a bowl of hot soup by Fred]
More soup for your armpit?! [holds up Fred's arm and throws the soup on his armpits, causing him to scream in pain, runs over to Martha and grabs her head] Please enjoy the food!! [slams her face into her food then runs up to Nat] Would you like some cheese on your butt, sir?! [pulls out a cheese grater, picks him up and grates his butt with it as Nat screams]
[Every fish screams and panics]
[frightened] No! No!
[Patrick, still tied up, runs out of the kitchen and shouting. And Mr. Krabs, still tied up, also runs of the kitchen and warns everyone that there's more danger for some things that he cooked so badly.]
Run for your lives, everyone! It's the appetizer!
[The appetizer, which has now come to life, bursts through the door and roars. Mr. Krabs is sent flying. The appetizer crawls outwards, revealing its face to the camera. Everyone screams and panics. They crash through the windows and the door, running away. Squidward's tuxedo rips in half by itself and falls off, and his Krusty Krab hat and name tag land on him in their proper places. The name tag reads "Squidward Tentacles, Cashier."]
There you go. Enjoy your– Say, you're not a robot, are you?
No...I'm not.
Well, keep your eyes peeled. They're everywhere. Back to work!
If I didn't know better, I'd say he was... a robot.
Mr.-
[puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth] Will you quiet up? Now listen, what did these robots in the movie look like?
Well, they had piercing red eyes, metal pinchers for hands, and they ran on batteries.
Okay, so tell me, does Mr. Krabs look anything like that?!
[Mr. Krabs barges out of his office, still screaming. He now has burning red eyes, the pair of tongs snipping in his claw, and the batteries in his pocket, just like the robot in the movie and Squidward said. SpongeBob and Squidward both scream in fear. Mr. Krabs continues screaming as he runs into the bathroom]
I'll evacuate the customers, you call the navy!
[runs over to the phone] Hello, Operator? Get me the Navy!
Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service.
Squidward, the robots are running the Navy!
NOT THE NAVY! [on the microphone] Attention, Krusty Krab! Run for your lives! Robots are taking over the world! [pause] OUR WORLD! [Then the customers run and scream in panic] What do we do now?
I don't know! [notices a nickel] Hey, a nickel! [points at it]
SpongeBob.
Sorry.
[walks out of the bathroom, his eyes back to normal] Ah, that's better. [walks back to his office] Bee-boo-boo-boo-bee-bop, boo-boo-bop.
We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs, but how?
Well, in the movie the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.
They poop on the robot?
Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop, ask questions, get information.
I never thought I'd say this, but, SpongeBob, let's get that poop!
[Squidward and SpongeBob dive in. SpongeBob grabs rope, Squidward grabs tools, and SpongeBob grabs records]
Oh, hello, boys. What can I do for ya? [they both lock the door] Hehe, why did you lock the door? Why do you have that rope? WHO'S WATCHING THE CASH REGISTER?! [gets attacked] SpongeBob, Squidward, what’s the meaning of this?! Unite me this instant!
[SpongeBob runs up to Mr. Krabs and then slaps him]
SpongeBob, you gotta ask him a question first.
Oh, yeah. What color is my underwear? [slaps him again]
SpongeBob, let me handle this. [turns a light on Mr. Krabs] Where's Mr. Krabs?
[confused] What are you talking about? I'm Mr. Krabs.
[slaps Mr. Krabs again] We can do this all night if you want. Where's Mr. Krabs?
I'm Mr. Krabs!
Where's Mr. Krabs?
I'm Mr. Krabs!
Where's Mr. Krabs?
I am Mr. Krabs! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am!
This is one stubborn robot.
[confused for a moment, he finally blows his lid, yelling so loudly he causes SpongeBob and a nearby lamp to fall from the force] WHAT?! YOU THINK I'M A ROBOT?!
We don't think; we know.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I AM MR. KRABS!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
