SpongeBob SquarePants · Season 3
[SpongeBob rings the doorbell and the same con-artist who sold them a bunch of candy bar bags appears]
Yes?
Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?
I don't recall, but it looks to me that you boys have a lot of bags there. You two ladykillers are too smart to be without one of my patented candy-bar-bag-carrying bags.
We'll take 20.
Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.
[Patrick knocks on the door. The fish opens the door]
Hello?
I love you.
[A harp plays as the customer shuts his door]
I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal.
Remember, Patrick, focus. [knocks]
Yes?
Good afternoon, sir, we're selling chocolate bars.
[Patrick's eyes zoom in and out on the customer]
Why is Chubby here staring at me?
Focusing.
Back up, Jack. [slams the door on Patrick's eyes]
Oof! [moves his eyes around] Nice place you got in here.
Yes?
Hello, young lady. [winks at Patrick, who chuckles] We're selling chocolate. [sultry] Is your mother home?
Mom!
[Her mother, a shriveled up lump of dust, enters]
What, what, what's all the yelling?! You just can't wait for me to die, can you?!
They're selling chocolate.
Chocolate?
Yeah!
What, what are they selling?!
Chocolates!
What?!
Chocolates!
I can't hear you!
THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!!
They're selling chocolate?
Yeah!
Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate. I always hated it!
Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...
You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever!
Live forever, ya say? I'll take one!
[Mary slaps her; she goes back inside as Mary pays SpongeBob]
Come on, you lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate!
I hate you.
I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra. From now on, I wanna be called Barnacle Man! And, I'm through with protecting citizens that don't respect me!
I respect you, Barnacle Man!
That's Barnacle Boy, I mean, Man! I... Ohh... forget you people. I say if you're not gonna give me any respect as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is... [the sky turns orange as thunderstorms are heard] evil!
Evil?
Evil? [Mermaid Man zones out, so Mr. Krabs slaps him]
Evil!
I'm crossing over... to the dark side! [points to dark side of Krusty Krab]
Why should I waste money lightin' the whole store? [villain car comes in, shows brief shot of License Plate (MEAN 2 U), then the window opens revealing Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble in the car]
Did someone say evil?
Holy oil spill! It's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's arch enemies: Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble! [Barnacle "Man" gets in the villain car]
Nighty night, you old goat! [the villain car departs]
Nighty-night! [to Squidward] Will you tuck me in? [Squidward narrows his eyes]
I'm right here! Don't worry, good citizens! Nothing will stop me from defeating the E.V.I.L.! [runs outside] Nothing! [ice cream truck sounds] Ice cream? I love ice cream! A double scoop of prune with bran sprinkles. [receives an ice cream with a lit fuse] Mmm. [licks it and takes a big bite but explodes, "KA-BRAN!" appears, leaving a hole in his stomach] Goes right through me every time.
Does this mean we're not getting pizza?
[at the Krusty Krab. Barnacle "Man" is eating an adult-sized Krabby Patty]
How is that adult-sized Krabby Patty treating you, Barnacle [winks] Man?
Actually, it's pretty big. I'm not sure if I can finish the whole thing.
[Mermaid Man laughs, then Barnacle "Man" laughs, SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and Squidward come in, all injured and laughing. The guy at make-out reef who was kissing the pillow is laughing, Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble are in jail, laughing, and the chief is making out with himself; he turns around and laughs hysterically]
Today's first lesson will be turning...
[whispers to SpongeBob] 24 : [they laugh quietly, Mrs. Puff stops writing on the board for a second, then keeps writing]
[holding in laughter] Patrick.
[also holding in laughter] What?
I thought of something funnier than 24.
Let me hear it.
25.
[SpongeBob and Patrick giggle]
That's enough! Young one, this is your first day, so I will let you off with a warning. As for you, SpongeBob, I expect more from a good noodle. Pay attention!
Yes, Mrs. Puff.
Now then, turning: What every driver should know, when you are turning it's important to signal at least 20 feet from the turn pushing the drivers behind you.
[gasps upon seeing Patrick's ugly drawing of Mrs. Puff] "Big Fat Meanie"?? Patrick, you can't do that! She's the teacher!
What about the teacher? [grabs Patrick's drawing of her. She then appears identical to Patrick's drawing in anger] As if I really look like this?! SpongeBob, I believe you know the punishment for two classroom disruptions!
No...!
I’m sorry, SpongeBob, but if one wishes to be a good noodle, one must behave like a good noodle.
I'm a good noodle! I'm a good noodle!
You will get this star back when you earn it.
Nooo! [Mrs Puff removes his star while he jumps up and down on his chair, hits his head on the desk.]
No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! [The star gets removed and SpongeBob faints on the floor]
Mrs. Puff, is it nap time?
SpongeBob, I've have enough of your nonsense. Now, let me see, collect your things, and move to the available desk somewhere in the back of the room.
But... me? But why?
Because the Big Fat Meanie said so. Now go.
[mad] Thanks a lot, Patrick.
Sure thing, buddy. [SpongeBob walks to the back. His classmates are staring at him]
Well, I guess I can be a good noodle from back here... [Mrs. Puff's voice is receding as SpongeBob tries to listen from the back] It's so hard to hear! What kind of student sits back here anyway? [reads the writing on the desk] 'Skool is 4 Chumps'? [shivers] Where am I?
[whispering] Psst, SpongeBob?
[to himself] Just ignore him, SpongeBob, if you can.
SpongeBob, over here!
[to himself] Whatever you do, don't look at him.
Psst, SpongeBob! [throws ball of paper] Psst, SpongeBob! [throws a book at SpongeBob] SpongeBob? [spits a bunch of spitballs on SpongeBob's face] SpongeBob? Psst, over here. I'm trying to tell you something. Something important!
[covered in spitballs] What...?!
[timidly] Hi.
HIIIIIIIIII?!?! [growls, removing all the spitballs, then stops when he sees Mrs. Puff angry, covered in the spitballs]
Perhaps this would be a good time for recess.
In one day, I've gone from Good Noodle... to Bad Egg! It's all Stupid Patrick's fault. I'd hate you, Patrick.
I'd hate you more!
I'd hate you no matter what!
Yeah? Well, I'd hate you even if I didn't hate you.
I'd hate you even if that made sense!
I'd hate you even if you were me! That's how much I'd hate you!
I'd hate you, even if, uhh... Um, I'd hate you... [points to Roger's tank] even if the light bulb keeping Roger alive went out. [The camera quickly pans over to where SpongeBob is pointing. Quite suddenly, the light bulb flickers, and then burns out and the electricity crackles]
Huh?
[SpongeBob and Patrick stare at Roger for about 30 seconds, panting and trying to ignore one another for attention, but then Roger freezes and both begin to progressively whimper a little louder until they can't take it anymore.]
I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A STUPID STAR!!!!!!
I'M SORRY I GOT YOU IN TROUBLE, AND GOT YOU MOVED TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS, AND GOT YOUR GOOD NOODLE STAR REMOVED, AND SHOT THE SPITBALLS --
I'M SORRY YOUR APOLOGY IS SO LONG!!!
ME TOO, LET'S SAVE ROGER!!!
[Not realizing he's in Mrs. Puff's Boating Class] I thought this was Spanish class! See ya, SpongeBob! See ya, Big Fat Meanie!
I can't believe it, Mr. Krabs. Where are we going, Fancy Springs?
No.
Pamper Island?
Try again.
Oh, oh, oh! Bikini Bottom Folk Village?
Better than that.
Clam fishing? This is the reward we get for all our hard work? Fishing for stinky clams in a smelly old boat on a filthy lagoon? You call this fun?
Oh, come on now, Squidward. Three fellas at sea with nothing but throw their lines in the water, catch a few clams, then throw them back. Don't you think that's fun?
No.
Hey, watch where you're swinging that... [SpongeBob casts Squidward's shirt out in the lagoon] SpongeBob, be careful with... [SpongeBob hooks Squidward’s nose]
[The camera cuts to an overhead view of the boat as a loud rip is heard and Squidward screams loudly in pain, then walks up to Mr. Krabs with his nose torn off.]
Okay, I've had enough.
[laughs] Oh, Squidward, you got to lighten up. [SpongeBob is still casting out items while Mr. Krabs talks to Squidward] Sure the lad's a bit overeager, but you've got to learn to roll with the punches, go with the flow. And don't bring anything on a boat that you ain't prepared to lose! [laughs. The hook in SpongeBob's fishing rod touches Mr. Krabs millionth dollar. Gasps] Me millionth dollar! [SpongeBob rips Mr. Krabs' pants off and casts his dollar to the lagoon] SpongeBob, wait! SpongeBob, you hooked me millionth dollar on the back swing! Reel it in before I keelhaul ya!
[Ominous orchestral music begins playing. Mr. Krabs' pupils shrink in shock]
Oh, no. SpongeBob, quick, reel it in! Can't you hear the music? That's a 4/4 string ostinato in D minor. Every sailor knows that means death. Hurry, SpongeBob! The music’s getting faster. [opens the door] There you are, you stinking bilge rats. [darts to the trumpeters] STOP PLAYING THAT MUSIC! [to the conductor] STOP IT PLEASE! [to the violinists] I'm begging you! Come on, honey, you can make it! Swim faster! Come to me, baby! Come on back! Hurry, SpongeBob!
Here she comes. [Mr. Krabs begs. SpongeBob reels the dollar in.] She made it!
[holds up the dollar and cheers] For a second or two, I thought she was a goner.
I trusted you. And you give me this?! I can't believe me old crew would betray me like this. [sobs]
No. Uh-uh. No. We will not be swayed by tears any more.
I see. Then, I guess I have no choice but to offer a reward.
You're kidding.
Whoo! Is it another fishing trip?
No, it's this sandwich.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
