[yelling] Will you go night night time already?
[noticing Nosferatu] Nosferatu? [lights flicker]
Why are you sticking out of the wall like that?
[SpongeBob and Squidward run out of the room, and Nosferatu bites into a pillow, then spits it out.]
[running with SpongeBob] I can't believe Nosferatu tried to bite me! He's a real life v-v-vampire!
He's gonna suck our blood! [sobs]
There's got to be a way out of this castle!
[slithering in front of them] I can show you a way out. [laughs while holding battle ax, SpongeBob and Squidward wear gas masks as Squidward shoots sleepy gas onto Slappy. suddenly tired] Slappy sleepy. [falls to ground]
[tosses gas equipment] Let's try these doors. [opens door to reveal scary monsters on the other side, SpongeBob and Squidward scream and run away, Squidward opens another door to reveal a skull with flaming eyes. They both scream. Squidward opens another door to reveal some live-action sushi and both scream. They begin running on a conveyor belt and look behind them to see a mutant gorilla running after them.]
SSSpongeBob and Squidward
Gorilla monster! [scream]
Quick, [points] down the laundry chute! [They both dive into the laundry chute. The gorilla falls on its face and crashes off-screen.]
[he and Squidward slide down a slide] Whoa! [both end up in a laundry basket wearing vampire outfits, and scream at each other]
[pointing to coffin] It's a vampire's coffin! [holds onto SpongeBob and whimpers, Five coffins rise from underneath the sand and start dancing around SpongeBob and Squidward. The coffins spin around and vampire fish come out of them.]
VFVampire fish
Nosferatu two-step! [close their coffins and enter the sand again]
[The episode begins with the sun nearly rising in Bikini Bottom, and then a shot of Nosferatu's castle is shown. Inside, Nosferatu and Slappy are sleeping. Just then, an alarm clock switches from day to night and howls, prompting Slappy to break it with a mallet and climb out of a cupboard he was in. His headless body in pajamas walks in to four identical Slappy heads.]
SHSlappy heads
Pick me! Pick me! Pick me![Slappy picks the third one, puts it on his body, and continues on with his night, as the rest of the heads sigh in disappointment. Slappy proceeds to the bathroom, stretching. There, a sea spider sitting on top of the bath sprays him with its acid, reducing Slappy's head to his skull.]
Oh, Esmerelda, good evening.[Slappy removes his pajamas and enters the bath, as Esmerelda ties him with her web. Slappy then emerges from the web dressed up, exiting the bathroom and heading towards Nosferatu's coffin, holding a plate with blood in a glass and eggs, then knocks on the coffin] Wakey-wakes, Master. The first blood of the day is the most important. [no one answers] Huh? Master?[Slappy opens the coffin and gasps upon finding Nosferatu with a runny nose, sneezing and turning into a bat as he does so.]
Oh no! You got a stuffy Nose-feratu! [rimshot, then Nosferatu sneezes and turns back into himself again, but sneezes a second time and turns back into a bat. Just as he's about to sneeze a third time, Slappy puts him in the cage] We have to get you to Dr. Calimari right away. [exits the castle on a bicycle and drives into a deformed black-and-white building as Nosferatu continues sneezing]
CDr. Calimari
Next patient?
Salutations, Dr. Calimari. The Master has a case of the Transylvanian sniff-sniffs. Can you help?[Nosferatu screeches at Dr. Calimari.]
CDr. Calimari
Thanks you for bringing him in, Slappy. I'll steam those allergies right out of his schnoz.
SSquidBot
Finally, someone whose company I actually enjoy... [pulls his clone's head out of the box] Me! [both of them laugh]
SSpongeBot
[startles SquidBot] Time for work, SquidBot! [his hat turns into a siren while SquidBot struggles to catch his clone's head] Time for work, SquidBot! Time for work, SquidBot! Time for work, SquidBot!
SSquidBot
Power down and leave me alone, SpongeBot! I've still got fifteen minutes.
SSpongeBot
Oh... Sorry, SquidBot! Sorry, SquidBot! Sorry, SquidBot!
SSquidBot
[pushes him away] Go away! [screws his clone's head on his body]
SCSquidBot clone
I am going to have to live next to that? [opens his stomach to reveal a self-destruct button, which he promptly presses and explodes on the spot, as SquidBot groans in disappointment]
OKOld Klopnodian man
Greetings, stranger. [The man's sudden appearance freaks out Mr. Krabs, making him scream.] Welcome to my emporium of wonders. Can I interest you in a traditional Klopnodian Spladunker? [he pulls out an anvil covered in pink fur as a chicken is heard clucking] Or perhaps a lightly used Flooda? [he pulls out a sweater made out of sausages as a cow is heard mooing]
No thanks, old timer. I just want me quarter. It seems to have hopped into your payphone here.
OKOld Klopnodian man
Oh, I see. Well, I have no power to retrieve your coin, but I can let you have the payphone. For the low, low price of... free.
OKOld Klopnodian man
But be warned, that payphone comes with a curse! [thunder roars and a woman screams]
Really? How much does the curse cost?
OKOld Klopnodian man
What? No, the curse is free. It comes with the phone.
Well, then, I'll take the curse too! [he picks up the payphone and leaves as he laughs]
OKOld Klopnodian man
Heed my Kapritzka! Beware the call of the porch! Beware it! Ah, forget it.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
[SpongeBob opens the door, still in his underwear.]
[GrandPat crushes SpongeBob and Hans gives him SpongeBob's pants.]
GGrandPat
Huh? [falls into a bathtub] Woah!
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.
[GrandPat's skin falls off and his bones disintegrate in the bathtub.]
If nautical nonsense be something you wish.
[Four GrandPats groan as they pull four banners that spell out "GrandPat Sea Star."]
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!
KPKids and Painty
GrandPat Sea Star! GrandPat Sea Star! GrandPat Sea Star! [GrandPat mumbles as his body contorts until he's back to his sea star shape. He falls, screaming, onto some letters spelling out his name. His pants fall off and hop across the letters. His scooter then falls from above and pushes him down.]
GrandPat... Sea Star! [laughs]
[We cut to the SpongeBob SquarePants logo as shown in the regular theme song, but the text is changed to Grandpat's own name, and it appewrs alongside a drawn GrandPat. GrandPat pulls out his dentures and they chatter the ending notes of the SpongeBob theme song. His dentures then bite his head.]
GGrandPat
Ah... It's good to be back home, where it's normal.
[offscreen] Hey, GrandPat. [pan to reveal GrandPat's entire family have wings and eyes similar to flies] Whatcha watching?
GGrandPat
[screams, but then relaxes] Eh, close enough.
And so, we leave things a little bit weird. But that's how we like it here, in The Tidal Zone. [his arm comes through the TV screen and turns it off] Au revoir.
GGrandPat
Hey! I was watching that!
End of another 18-hour shift of misery.
Oh, ahoy there! [closes the doors of the Krusty Krab and walks over to SpongeBob and Squidward] And what do you two have planned for this weekend?
I'm polishing Gary's shell! [SpongeBob's face turns into a polisher and he uses it on Squidward]
Well I'm going to a post-post-pre-modern unconstructivist dance performance! [dances as red, blue, and yellow lights flash quickly behind him]
[narrows eyes] Uh, well, that's uh, fascinating...
All right, now bend it into a boat shape. [both bend plank into arch, brushes plank before it launches him into the air] D'oh! [lands in the distance, Bubble transition to SpongeBob tickling a plank.]
SpongeBob, wood planks are not-- [Wood plank grows a face and laughs, forms an arch] Ticklish. [gets hit with plank, lands in the distance, and gets crushed by an anchor]
Hmm, a little off the beam. Hmm... Hmm, [holds two white paint buckets] I know! All she needs is a nice, shiny coat of paint. [tosses white paint onto the ship, turning it into a proper ship] [looking at sign on ship that says "S.S. SEA-SCRET FORMULA"] The S.S. Sea-cret Formula is ready to set sail... [pointing] as soon as you two drag her into the lagoon. [Mr. Krabs stands on the front of the ship as SpongeBob and Squidward use strings to pull the ship across the beach, where the beachgoers are watching them.] Mush!
SSSpongeBob and Squidward
[seeing giant shadow above] Huh?[They all get washed over by a giant wave, which miraculously sets the ship afloat. Mr. Krabs uses a hook to pull Squidward onto the ship, who gasps like a fish.]
[sitting in lounge chair] Well, at least this weekend isn't a total waste.
[sees Bubble Bass playing in the ocean, who laughs] Huh? [points ahead] Butt-berg, dead ahead!
[gasps] Huh? [grabs onto steering wheel] Everyone, hold fast!
[climbing onto mast] Whoa! [screams and rings bell, Squidward raises his sunglasses and looks at SpongeBob. The ship's horn blows as Bubble Bass notices it approaching him.]
Great Neptune's nose hair! [Mr. Krabs screams, bumps into steering wheel, SpongeBob screams while ringing bell, causing the ship to tilt forwards and make Squidward bump into the register, Bubble Bass' butt scrapes the side of the ship, peeling off its exterior. Bubble Bass then stops and looks at the damage.] Hmm... [The ship begins to sink, and Squidward plays "Taps" on his clarinet.] [waving dollar] One double Krabby Patty, please. [Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into dollar bills as he fully sinks. SpongeBob gives Bubble Bass his patty, who eats it and paddles away. Squidward finally fully sinks into the ocean. The scene fades to an open shot of the lagoon at sunset, as a woman shuts the door to a tiki booth and walks off. The scene fades to near the Goo Lagoon sign, where the screen darkens as the sun sets. Bubbles form on the surface of the lagoon, and the ship emerges, which is being held by the wise kraken.]
WKWise kraken
[roars, goes back to normal] Give me all the Krabby Patties you got, kid. Oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat at the Chum Bucket and like it. Boy, I'll tell you-- [camera irises out on ship, SpongeBob gags, Squidward sighs] Oh, boy.
[throwing flowers around] Soon I will get a thrill cooking patties on my grill! [jumps to the door, but is blocked by a huge sign in front it, which he reads out loud] "The Krusty Krab is closed on account of urchins"? Oh, I must be in a nightmare!
[walks towards him, covered in urchins] It's no nightmare, SpongeBob. I'm closing me old girl up for a week to get rid of those prickly pests. Plus, I had a coupon for "Urchin-Be-Gone"!
What will become of me? What am I gonna do for a whole week?!
You must be SpongeBob. Welcome to the Salty Spitoon! I'm the owner of this joint! That means you's work for me now!
My new boss! So nice to meet--
Here's the grill! Here's the spatula! Now make with the grub!
Um, just out of curiosity, what happened to your last fry cook?
That's our "Employee of the Month" wall! Your photo's gonna be next if you don't get to woik!
Don't worry SpongeBob, it'll be just like working at the Krusty Krab.
DSDream SpongeBob
Lalalala!
DSDream Squidward
Keep those patties coming, pal! I love you!
Give me a brick covered with nails with extra motor oil! [SpongeBob ends up making a bagel] Huh? What is this garbage? I asked for a brick covered with nails.
Oh. I thought that was just diner lingo. Sorry! Covered with nails, extra motor oil, Salty Spitoon style!
[wearing a punk outfit] Whaddaya know? Whaddaya say, gang?
CCustomer
It's Puff the Tuff!
DDoorman
P-P-P-P-Puff the Tuff!? [Mrs. Puff headbutts him and walks through the smoke cloud. She puffs up to get rid of the customers at the counter, and sits on a stool. Sally watches from behind the counter.]
Gimme a tall glass of broken glass in a dirty glass. [Sally serves it. Mrs. Puff bites the glass and chews it. SpongeBob is heard laughing.]
That laugh. No! It can't be him.
[holds up bomb with barbecue sauce] Who ordered the bomb-becue? [laughs]
