Biting my begonias, eh? Not on my watch. [laughs]
MMailman
[walks up to Squidward] Mailman! [Startled, Squidward turns around, screams and sprays Mailman's eyes. They become red and he screams as he hands Squidward some mail, promptly walking away.]
Oh, a letter. Uh, thank you. [Squidward takes a closer look at the letter, seeing the name Nosferatu written on it.] Nosferatu!? [thunder roars] Huh, what? [sighs] I got his mail by mistake, again! [grumbles as he walks toward his trash can] I'll just file that in here! [Squidward opens the trash lid, revealing SpongeBob inside. Squidward shoves the letter in SpongeBob's mouth, closes the lid, and walks away laughing.] Huh!? [Squidward turns around and opens the lid again, with SpongeBob inside. He speaks, but his mouth is full.] SpongeBob?[SpongeBob talks more with his mouth full, until Squidward pulls the letter out of his mouth.] What are you doing in my garbage?[SpongeBob lifts up Squidward's nose and puts a bucket on it. He gets on Squidward's shoulders and puts a mop in the bucket, before taking it out and raising it in the air.]
Spring cleaning! But Squidward, [bucket falls off of Squidward's nose] for shame. You can't just throw out [throws a mop in the air] the mail of Nosferatu! [thunder roars]
IInnkeeper
[stopping in front of them] Don't go to the castle! Don't go to the castle! Don't go-- [gets run over by a skeleton horse pulling a carriage, Creepy coachman pats carriage, opening stairs which crush the inkeeper]
Ah! Well, a coach to the castle. How elegant. [walks forward, then SpongeBob follows] Step lively, SpongeBob.[Squidward enters the carriage, and SpongeBob puts the mail bag in the back. SpongeBob enters as well, and the steps are lifted. SpongeBob looks at the innkeeper.]
IInnkeeper
[lifting head up, injured] The castle!
Aw. [holds Krabby Patty] Looks like someone could use a Krabby Patty. [feeds innkeeper patty, moving his mouth to chew it Innkeeper weakly gives thumbs up The carriage moves onward to Nosferatu's castle. SpongeBob and Squidward move from side to side in the carriage, bumping into the walls, as it moves across the sharp corners. They then go around some curves, making SpongeBob and Squidward move in the carriage again.]
[spinning in air] Whoo! Whoo! [SpongeBob and Squidward's body parts move all over the place in the carriage like pinballs as it continues moving forward. They finally arrive at the castle, and Squidward falls out of the carriage in pieces.]
[standing up] We're taking the bus on the way home! [inhales and sucks his nose back in, SpongeBob tosses the mail bag directly onto Squidward, which floats in place] Huh? Hmm. [SpongeBob gets off the carriage, and the creepy coachman hisses at them as he leaves. The carriage turns into a bat and flies away. The mail bag crushes SpongeBob and Squidward, to which Squidward gets out from it and knocks on the door with the door decoration.] Hello, Nosferatu? [lightning crashes, looks around] Hmm. [walks away] Well, looks like nobody's home. [door opens] Of course. [Squidward peeks inside to reveal the interior of Nosferatu's castle, which causes some jellyfish bats to fly away.] Hello? [hesitantly walks inside] We're just here to drop off your mail.
[almost falling on Squidward] Whoa! [Squidward shoves him]
[lightning crashes, causing him to scream and grab onto the mail bag] What's happening?
I am sorry master. [kisses Nosferatu's hand] It won't happen again. [continues kissing Nosferatu's hand]
[disgusted] Ew. We'll let ourselves out.
[being dragged by Squidward, still with rearranged body parts] Aw, I don't want to leave. Boo!
SSquidwward
[lightning crashes] Ah!
[closing door with face] Oh, you can't leave due to inclement weather.
[pops out of platter] Oh, I can help you decide. [laughs, opening platters] We have roasted werewolf teeth, pickled demon beards, fried mummy fingers, and [head opens to reveal his brain] brains tartare. [Squidward gags and throws up off-screen]
Ooh, don't mind if I do-- [reaches for Slappy's head as it closes] oh. [laughs]
Or, maybe you would like something sinfully succulent. [opens platter to reveal a Carpathian cheese ball]
Ooh, a Carpathian cheese ball. [tries to dip cookie into the cheese ball, which turns into several spiders]
Uh, eh. Whoopsie! That's my dinner. [holds eating utensils, runs after spiders off-screen] Come to daddy!
Ooh.[Squidward breaks cookie, winces] [waving mummy finger] Oh, you've got to try these mummy fingers, Squidward. [takes bite out of mummy finger] So delicious. Nosferatu, you simply must give me the recipe.
[yelling] Will you go night night time already?
[noticing Nosferatu] Nosferatu? [lights flicker]
Why are you sticking out of the wall like that?
[SpongeBob and Squidward run out of the room, and Nosferatu bites into a pillow, then spits it out.]
[running with SpongeBob] I can't believe Nosferatu tried to bite me! He's a real life v-v-vampire!
He's gonna suck our blood! [sobs]
There's got to be a way out of this castle!
[slithering in front of them] I can show you a way out. [laughs while holding battle ax, SpongeBob and Squidward wear gas masks as Squidward shoots sleepy gas onto Slappy. suddenly tired] Slappy sleepy. [falls to ground]
[tosses gas equipment] Let's try these doors. [opens door to reveal scary monsters on the other side, SpongeBob and Squidward scream and run away, Squidward opens another door to reveal a skull with flaming eyes. They both scream. Squidward opens another door to reveal some live-action sushi and both scream. They begin running on a conveyor belt and look behind them to see a mutant gorilla running after them.]
SSSpongeBob and Squidward
Gorilla monster! [scream]
Quick, [points] down the laundry chute! [They both dive into the laundry chute. The gorilla falls on its face and crashes off-screen.]
[he and Squidward slide down a slide] Whoa! [both end up in a laundry basket wearing vampire outfits, and scream at each other]
[pointing to coffin] It's a vampire's coffin! [holds onto SpongeBob and whimpers, Five coffins rise from underneath the sand and start dancing around SpongeBob and Squidward. The coffins spin around and vampire fish come out of them.]
VFVampire fish
Nosferatu two-step! [close their coffins and enter the sand again]
