TV show quotes
Do I know you, young man?
Patrick, it's me! Remember? [sings his theme song] Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
I don't know... uh, a wizard?
[jumps in a bath] Absorbent and yellow and porous is he! [water squirts out of him] Eeurrgh…
SpongeBob SquarePants!
[plays the nose flute in the tune of the end of his song] Bahahaha! The one and only!
What are you two dizzy dingbats doing out here?!
Just treasuring our time together, Squidward.
Well, that time is over! Say good night, go to your separate houses, and be quiet!
[SpongeBob and Patrick whimper and cry]
[cries] I can't do it! I can't be away from my best friend!
[cries] No, it hurts too much! [he and Patrick continue to cry]
Oh, will you two cut it out? [SpongeBob and Patrick stop crying]
Cut it out... Squidward, that's a great idea!
It is?
[SpongeBob takes out a pair of scissors, cuts off part of his head and forms it into a tiny version of himself]
Wow! My turn! [rips his head off and also forms it into a tiny version of himself]
[SpongeBob and Patrick hug each as the tiny versions of themselves hug and dance around]
I think I'm gonna be sick! [gets sick and runs back into his house]
[gives Mini SpongeBob to Patrick] Here you go, Patrick. Now we never have to be apart, even when we're not together. [Patrick gives SpongeBob Mini Patrick]
This is great. See you forever, SpongeBob.
Yeah, see you forever, Patrick. [enters his house and yawns] Time for bed, Tiny Patrick.
[Mini Patrick jumps happily on SpongeBob's hands and hops on his head as SpongeBob goes upstairs. Bubble transition to SpongeBob washing his face with soap and water. Mini Patrick jumps off of SpongeBob's head and dives into the sink. He pops out of the suds and rides on the rubber duck like a cowboy. Bubble transition to Mini SpongeBob brushing Patrick's teeth. However, he shrivels up by the bad odor inside Patrick's mouth and falls into the sink]
Hmm.
[A bus pulls over at the Krusty Krab, now the Krusty Plankton. Lily Plankton comes out and meets up with Plankton and Karen.]
Hi, Grandma. Happy birthday.
Nice to see you again, Grandma Plankton.
[lifts her glasses] Ugh. Who invited C-Pee-Eww? [laughs]
[feels rejected] All right, I tried. [she leaves angrily, running Plankton over]
Owuh! [unsticks his squished body from the road] Let me help you with your bag, Grandma. [gets smacked in the face by Lily's purse] Ouch! [escorts his grandmother into the restaurant] Well, here we are, Grandma. Welcome to the Krusty Plankton. I named it after you.
[pinches Plankton's cheek] Oh, well, aren't you a sweet grandson? [sees SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs] Who are they?
They're just my employees, Grandma. Meet SpongeBob and Eugene.
Hello, Grandma Plankton.
They look like very nice boys, and I'll bet they're even nicer when they're working.
You heard Grandma! We ain't running a welcome wagon here! Get back to work!
[SpongeBob runs back and forth until he jumps back into the kitchen.]
[chuckles] Yeah, sure thing, Plankton. [laughs until Plankton pushes a bucket of cleaning supplies onto Mr. Krabs, making him fall flat on his face on the floor]
[pokes Mr. Krabs' eye] That's Mr. Plankton to you, busboy.
I miss real Krabby Patties!
I miss Mr. Krabs.
I miss Sandy.
I miss Gary.
I miss Squidward!
You know who I miss most of all? [takes the pencil and draws a mini version of DoodleBob] SpongeBob!
But Patrick, I'm right here.
I ain't fixed the vortex yet! How in tarnation did you get back?
Sandy saved us. [he and Patrick leave]
[confused] What? [the old coot's hand appears through the vortex and taps Sandy's shoulder] Huh? Huh?
Give me back my nuts!
[Sandy gulps nervously as the screen irises out on her. DoodleBob appears and writes "The End" on the screen, ending the episode.]
[the episode begins with the start of the late-night talk show "Snark Chat with Bubble Bass"]
Snark Chat with Bubble Bass.
And we're back. My first guest had dinner with me just last night. He's a close personal friend of mine. Please welcome the Krabby Patty. [audience clap] Great to have you back on the program.
Great to be here, BB.
Well, I'm sorry to say it, but last night, you were not quite as delicious as one would hope.
Oh, don't worry, I'm sure Mr. Krabs will give you a refund.
[a percussion rimshot sting is heard, followed by Bubble Bass and the Krabby Patty laughing, Mama Bass interrupts the show as his dream ends]
[voiceover] Bubble Bass, who are you talking to down there?
Mother! Please stop trying to undermine my fantasy talk show! [Krabby Patty thuds as a cardboard] Mmph.
[voiceover] You march yourself upstairs this instant! Take out the garbage, dry the dishes, and walk the worm!
Ooh, I don't feel like it! Huh? [Mama Bass throws garbage, two dishes, and the worm at him, who swallows the second dish] That tears it, Mother! [grunts] I am moving out! [slams the front door]
[voiceover] Moving? Hah! You can't even do your own laundry! [grunts and throws an underwear at Bubble Bass]
I hope you didn't damage my goods.
Oh, your goods are all good, Bubble Bass. And we sure build up an appetite for that free lunch. [Patrick gulps out a bib and fork and knife]
Oh, yes, about that. I'm afraid I was waiting for you so long that I ate them! [eats the paper bags] Mmm. [belches]
'[SpongeBob whimpers]
[inhales and swallows the fork, knife, and bib; he grumbles] If my friend SpongeBob doesn't get his free lunch, things are gonna get crazy! [pants while Bubble Bass melts]
That was the meanest thing I ever saw, Bubble Bass. You, sir, have crossed the line of aquatic decency. You might think you took a couple of bottom feeders like us for a ride today, but I got a newsflash for you, slappy. These bottom-feeders wouldn't eat your free lunch if you paid us!
I would.
Come, Patrick. I'll make you a free Krabby Patty for $2.50 plus tax.
[watches the pair leave and laughs] Well, you pulled it off, Bubble Bass. And you didn't even have to flick a fin. [hums and opens a box]
[emerges from a box and growls] Bubble Bass, why do you think it's funny to pack your mother in a box and drag her all over town?!
[shocked] MOTHER?! [grunts as she picks him up and stuffs him in two boxes]
[pulls a dolly out her hair] We'll just see how you like it! [pants as she pushes him]
I didn't do it! [Mama Bass bumps into a mailbox] OW! [bumps him into a building] Mother, please— [grunts] It was SpongeBob and Patrick! [grunts] I'll dry the dishes, Mommy. [grunts] I love you, Mommy. [episode irises out on him inside the box]
[SpongeBob and Squidward sneak behind the Chum Bucket. Squidward goes to the front doors, but a meow sound startles him]
Nyah! Whaa?
[appears in a cat costume] Sorry. [laughs] Stepped on my (cat) tail.
What are you wearing?
I'm a cat burglar! [purrs and meows around Squidward and stops] Okay, I'll change. [rips off his cat costume]
Good morning, Krusty crew! Ready to cook up a new batch of Krabby Patties? Er... [sees SpongeBob and Squidward injured] Why are you two smoldering?!
We're sorry, Mr. Krabs!
[covers SpongeBob's mouth] No, he's delirious! He doesn't know what he's saying.
[pushes Squidward away] No! Mr. Krabs deserves the truth. We accidentally threw away the Krabby Patty formula and Plankton found it!!! We tried to steal it back, but we failed!!!!! [sobs]
[gets raging and smoke steams out of his eyestalks] YOU DID WHAT!?!??!??!?! PLANKTON STOLE ME FORMULER!!!????!!?
[he and SpongeBob nod their heads] That's what he said. Yeah.
[calmly] Then I'll just have to steal it back. [walks over to the Chum Bucket] Hmm. Uh-huh. [punches a hole through the wall and grabs the secret formula from inside] Oh. [kisses the bottle] Don't worry. Papa's here.
Hooray for SpongeBob! He's our hero!
[The townsfolk cheer. But their cheering shakes the ladder even more.]
No! Ahh! Ohh--ow!
[The ladder crumbles and all of the trash as well as SpongeBob, Old Man Jenkins, and the townsfolk are sent crashing down to Bikini Bottom. The city is now a complete mess with trash.]
[pops out from the trash, grabs a bottle cap and a fork, and stands on Nat Peterson's head] I'm King Neptune! King of the seven seas, the lakes, rivers, puddles... [spits saliva into a spittoon] And spit too! I'm the king of spit!
[off-screen] So you're the king of spit? [thunder roars]
[nervously] Uh-oh.
[Out from the clouds, the real King Neptune appears on his chariot and he's not very happy.]
"Uh-oh" is right.
[Old Man Jenkins stands scared as Nat Peterson, upon seeing the real King Neptune, whimpers in fear. He grabs a suitcase and runs away. King Neptune ignites his trident and zaps Old Man Jenkins, burning him to a crisp.]
I smell like toast. Am I breakfast? [bites off his hand] Needs jelly.
[comes by and notices the pile of trash. He also notices SpongeBob's hands sticking out from underneath] Hmm? [pulls out a mortally wounded SpongeBob] Ooh, well, look at that. Someone threw away a good SpongeBob standee. [laughs and throws SpongeBob in his truck-load of SpongeBob-standees] Yagh! [closes the trunk] Oof! [climbs in the truck] Ugh. [drives away with his truck, carrying SpongeBob and the standees inside]
They called me a hero.
MY LEG is really stressing out, Dr. Charley Horse.
[examining Fred's leg] Hmm. Uh-huh. [twists Fred's leg and bite it] You're right, Fred. It's so tense, but I've got just the remedy. Take off your shoes and follow me.
[wearing a gas mask] So far this plan stinks.
This is no time to be smelling stinks, Patrick. I need to protect FRED'S LEG, and I can't do it alone.
The only way to relax YOUR LEG is to walk on... hot coals. [removes the rug]
Hot coals!?
[SpongeBob goes to protect Fred while Patrick hides in a sock.]
Now, Fred, close your eyes, and repeat after me the ancient mantra, "My feet are cold, my feet are cold…"
'My feet are cold.'
My feet are cold. [stretches his foot out over the hot coals, but SpongeBob lays himself underneath] My feet are cold. [walks on top of SpongeBob as he burns] My feet are cold.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
My feet are cold. Whoa! [falls on the hot coals] My butt!
[his voice gets higher and starts to shrink as he walks on the hot coals] Oh! My feet are cold, my feet are cold, my feet are cold, my feet are cold…! [disappears; forms a word above the coals and whispers] Transcendence.
Aww, gee, some guys get all the lucky breaks. [kicks an empty can in SpongeBob's face]
[pulls the can off his face] At least you know that YOUR LEG'S perimeter is secured.
I know. I just miss being at the hospital.
Why?
Well, secretly...
Ooh! [leans closer to listen]
[whispers] I'm in love with a nurse.
Ooh, you're in love with a nurse? Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! Fred, I've got an idea. Why don't we hurt YOUR LEG so you can be reunited with your lady fair?
Let's do it, and we should step on it. It's almost time for her break.
I'd say it's almost time for your break.
[sighs] Thank you, SpongeBob. If it wasn't for you, I never would have made it back to my angel goddess.
Oh, don't thank me, Fred. YOUR LEG did all the heavy lifting. I can't wait to meet this angel goddess of yours.
Well, wait no longer, SpongeBob. Hello, Nurse Bazooka!
Nurse Bazooka?
Sponge bath time!
You know, this reminds me of a song. [sings] ♪ When I met you, my fingers went numb and my arms were all aloof.
But I tripped over your heart.
And now, my loneliness went poof.
Because... my leg is in love!
Hey, my leg is in love!
Like an old, snug shoe that fits like a glove!
My leg is in love!
Wow, my leg is in love!
Through my femur to the marrow is where Cupid shot an arrow!
So, my leg is in love!
Whoa! My leg is in love!
My calves are getting restless!
My quads are going crazy!
I'm in love with a nurse, and I think her name is Daisy! ♪
[blushes] Me?
♪ His leg is in love!
Yeah! His leg is in love! ♪
♪ I really mean it!
Yeah, my leg! ♪
♪ His leg! ♪
♪ Oh, yes! ♪
♪ Oh, yes! ♪
♪ My leg is in love! ♪
♪ His leg is in love! ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
Hello? [the door slams itself shut, leaving Squidward locked outside. Squidward tries to open it to go back in, but it wouldn't budge. The lights turn on. Squidward turns around and finds himself in a haunted themed area made by Patrick himself. He whimpers] I've lost it. I can't tell what's real anymore! [Patrick scares Squidward with a toy worm and a toy snail under his feet. The toy snail makes Squidward flip over and fall on the ground]
Boo! I'm a haunted tablecloth! [swings over Squidward with a tablecloth over his body; Squidward screams a sprays more ink out from his nose. The ink fills several cups, pitchers, bowls, and pails laid out by Patrick. Patrick swings himself into a wall and laughs. Squidward runs up the stairs while spraying ink in more cups and bowls laid out by Patrick. He runs into a spooky baby's room with creepy music playing in the background]
Not creepy nursery rhyme music! [Squidward hears a creaking sound in the crib behind him. He looks in the crib and sees Patrick wearing a creepy baby costume while having a nose similar to Squidward's]
Dada! [Squidward screams and sprays more ink out from his nose into the crib. Squidward runs out through the window. Patrick puts the sucker back on the baby bottle filled with ink] Thank you, Daddy!
[falls to the ground and sees a spooky but crudely version of the Krusty Krab in front of him.] The Krusty Krab? How did I wind up here? I don't think I want to go in. [a newspaper falls on him; he gasps as he reads it] This newspaper is dated 60 years into the future. [The conveyor belt underneath him moves and it takes him inside. Squidward covers his eyes] I can't look! I'm afraid to see. Please, no. [looks up and sees a puppet version of his old futuristic self in his workstation]
May I help you, young man?
[Squidward's nose becomes a faucet and he screams the ink out of himself. Patrick, who is operating the old Squidward puppet, watches down happily. Squidward has had enough of the haunted area and goes to run away. He runs out of the haunted area and bumps into Don the Whale at the lemonade stand]
Squidward, if you want to buy some black lemonade, you'll have to get in the back of the line.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
