NNat
[angrily squishes Plankton] You!
NNat
You think this is funny?
In a cosmic sort of way, yes.
NNat
Well, Mr. Funny Man... [shows Plankton a Krabby Patty] is this how you get your sick kicks?!
What? It's just an ordinary Krabby-- [close up of the Krabby Patty in question, which is covered in mold and stuffed with insects, hair, planks of wood, a sock, an eyeball, and a nail] Oh, my goodness! Squidward!
I tried, Mr. Plankton. I really did.
A customer ordered a medium soda, and I gave him a large. I GAVE HIM A LARGE! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!
I command you to stop that! Stop that and return to your post! [pokes SpongeBob's chest] Where's the off button on this thing?
I gotta try to relax. Perhaps I can drown out their childish games with a little TV...
[He turns on the TV to see a show with boxes on a conveyor belt in a factory]
MTMale TV narrator
It is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly.
[Changes the channel to an old professor talking about a box equation on a chalkboard.]
PProfessor
The equation is illustrated here by zis box.
[Changes the channel to a soap opera with Nat Peterson and Incidental 48]
NNat
I couldn't afford a present this year... so I got ya this box. [holds up a box]
I4Incidental 48
That's what I got you! [holds up another box]
Isn't there anything on that isn't about boxes?!
[Changes the channel to a boxing match on TV]
AAnnouncer
And welcome back to Championship Boxing!
Heh-heh, I guess this is okay. I mean, it's not really about boxes.
[Shows two boxes "boxing" each other in the ring]
Barnacles! I'll never find-- [sees the tombstone and it shows his real name, Smitty Werben Man Jensen] The grave! Am I really going to defile this grave for money? Of course I am! [digs and hits something] Jackpot! [opens up the coffin] Ooh. It's beautiful. Come to papa. [takes the head off with the hat on] Hey, come on, Smitty, let go! [takes his head off] Rest in pieces, Smitty. [jumps out of the hole] I got the million dollar hat.
[lightning and thunder booms. Smitty stands up from his grave with his head in one hand]
SSmitty
Hey, man, that's my hat. Give it back.
What? No way. Just crawl back into your hole, bone boy. Go ahead, play dead.
SSmitty
I guess I'm gonna have to take it from you.
Yeah, right. You and what army? [But then, the skeleton zombie army came with an eerie moaning]
SSmitty
Only the army of the living dead. [all the other dead bodies are walking towards Mr. Krabs]
[scared] Oh, no! I've seen this on the late show! You ghoulish fiends hold me down and take turns nibbling on my innards, then you eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards!
SSmitty
That's disgusting. We just want the hat back.
No flipping way! [takes the head of a swordfish and uses it as a sword] Back off! Back off, I say!
SSmitty
Attack. [the skeleton zombies ready to draw their weapons]
Tallyho! [sword fights a few zombies] Look at me, I'm Errol Fin! [chops up more bodies] You're falling apart, marrow brain! You must be kidding. [sword fights them] Back to oblivion! [jumps over a group of zombies] Oh, ho! How's your sister? All right, boneheads. Playtime's over. Yee-hoo! Ha-ha! [twirls around and destroys more of the skeleton zombies in the morning Mr. Krabs finishes destroying all the skeleton zombies and runs out of the cemetery] Wa-ha! A million dollars. I've got a million dollars! [runs back to his curio stand where the fish are talking altogether at once] Oh, there you are. Well, I got it. The rare novelty soda drinking hat. Let's start the bidding at one million dollars! [all of the fish look at each other and then laugh]
Yeah, you want that all at once?
F3Fish #3
One million dollars. You gotta be kidding!
NNat
Hey! The poor sap's not kidding. Didn't you hear? They found a whole warehouse full of them. THEY'RE WORTHLESS! [the camera goes to a bunch of soda drinking hats are in the dumpster. The fish crack up laughing. SpongeBob walks by with a hat that has clapping hands on the top of it]
Let's give Mr. Krabs a big hand. [laughs]
NNat
Now that's worth a million dollars. [SpongeBob laughs again and he leaves the background. Nat runs after him and the other fish follow] Hey, kid, wait up!
F2Fish #2
I saw him first!
F3Fish #3
I'll give you one billion dollars!
[Fred rows his row-boat along the ground to chase SpongeBob]
Well, that's a spirit breaker. [throws the soda drinking hat away and breaks down sobbing]
[walks by with flowers in hand] What a baby. [walks off and the episode ends]
Hey... I know you. Yeah, from today's paper! [holds up a newspaper with a picture of SpongeBob on the front page and the headline "Local Nutcase Tries to Fly"]
"Local nutcase tries to fly"?! I'm a nutcase because I follow my dreams? Well, they laughed at the guy who invented light bulbs, too!
[walks outside, and past Monroe and his Mother]
Look, mom, it's the Bird Man of Bikini Bottom.
MMother
Wow! I wonder why he's still using his legs!
Come on, Bird Man. Flap your wings and fly! [makes flapping motions; he and Incidental 115 laugh cruelly; SpongeBob walks away, only to encounter many other fish]
CFCap Fish
Hey, Bird Man, going to check on your eggs?
NNancy
Maybe he's looking for a statue to poop on.
[steps in front of SpongeBob and starts flapping his arms and making chicken noises; a crowd of fish around him laughs]
Go on and laugh, but it is a sad day in Bikini Bottom when a guy is ridiculed for having dreams! [two fish holding babies stand to the side of him]
M2Mother #2
You think you're the only one with unfulfilled dreams?
I was supposed to be a concert pianist... until I realized I didn't have any fingers. [looks at his hands]
NNancy
What makes you so special? [the crowd of fish turns into an angry mob, along with pitchfork and torches]
[the mob chases him; he starts panting, then stops] Huh? [camera zooms out to reveal SpongeBob just stepped off the edge of a cliff and he screams]
NNat
Good riddance, dreamer!
[screams as he lands in a Mud Removal truck] Ooh! [the truck makes a sharp turn and SpongeBob falls out, covered in mud; while falling] Well, it can't get any worse. D'oh! [lands in a Feather Delivery truck; sticks his head up, which is now covered with feathers] I guess I spoke too soon.
[Note: television version only] [the scene freezes] Will SpongeBob learn to fly? Stay tuned.
[Everyone is running around inside the Chum Bucket after getting kidnapped by the ChumBot]
Oh, good, the lunch rush. Now that my ChumBot has dropped you into my clutches, you'll be forced to eat at the Chum Bucket.
[Everyone stops in their tracks]
NNat
[furiously] What? You mean you kidnapped us just to sell us your fast food?
Come on, it's a standard marketing technique.
[People leave]
NNat
You little twerp! [leaves]
Karen. [walks up to her] You think I'm a twerp?
Well, yes, but I was referring to the kidnapping.
Everything I do is always wrong in your eyes.
Maybe it's because you are always wrong.
Fine, I'm wrong and you're right.
You said it, not me. You know, you're lucky to have me.
[walking away] Why did I ever install that nagging software?
"Nagging software"? I heard that! Come back and dust my screen!
No! No, I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab!
[Everybody growls and screams]
UFUnknown Fish
Let us apprehend that careless contaminator!
[All the fish attack SpongeBob, who starts crying, making a huge puddle in his bubble. Outside the Krusty Krab, Gary slithers into the dumpster and eats a can, which he coughs up. His stomach growls as he slithers out]
Meow. [sees SpongeBob inside getting attacked by the Krusty Krab fish]
[crying] Ohhhh, noo! [the fish body slam SpongeBob's bubble, which make holes that the Ick leaks through] Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick! [the unknown fish the other fish make a final body slam] No!
[All the fish slam into it, and it pops, splattering Fungus all over the Krusty Krab]
[laughing] Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward!
Gary B. Snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission?
[We see Gary clean the Ick off of Mr. Krabs]
He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured and he'll clean the Ick off any surface...even Squid!
[Gary sucks the fungi off Squidward, next]
NPNat Peterson
Whoa! Me next!
MSMartha Smith
Where are your manners? It's ladies first!
I believe the expression is starfish first.
UFUnknown Fish
I supersede all of you! For I have an exotic accent.
Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution I'll be happy with. [later...] Step up to be de-Icked! Only $5! [the first fish steps up, and Gary cleans him] Now can I get you a Krabby Patty?
UFUnknown Fish
[whacks Mr. Krabs with his glove] In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. [pulls out money] I'll take 2, please.
[gives Mr. Krabs the money] Here you go, Mr. Krabs!
Another $5 for another de-Icking.
[Gary cleans SpongeBob off]
Look, Gary! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottom feeder a sponge could ever have!
Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work!
[burps loudly then he realizes is full, and then smiles] Meow.
♪ Rolling, rolling, rolling! Money keeps on rolling along! ♪ [playing bowling with money] 1 more time! [notices Plankton] No way, Plankton! You're not getting me formula this time or any time! [throws him on the counter, then gets a spoon, and crushes him]
Don't bother. There's no need.
What are you talking about?
[slides out of the spoon] I'm just saying I no longer need to copy you, Krabs. I've got my own winning recipe now.
[laughs] You're really funny man! You think you can compete with me? Look Plankton, look at all these loyal customers. Loyal to me, Plankton, not to you!
NNat
Hey, Plankton, can I get another one of your delicious Chum Sticks?
But of course, loyal customer. [hops out of Mr. Krabs' hands, onto Nat's hand] I'll see you later, loser. Much later! [laughs]
Nat, back all ready? That's the fifth time today. Not that I'm surprised. Karen, babe, fetch Nat another plate of that sweet chum.
Yes, Your Diminutiveness. [goes in the kitchen]
Say, Nat, do you have any friends?
Nat: Nope.
[sings a little, then laughs] Would you hurry up with that chum, Karen?!
[imitating Karen] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep your tiny pants on, Plankton. Bleep, bloop. [throws a Krabby Patty] There's your chum, bleep blap blop.
NNat
Hey, this doesn't look like chum.
And that doesn't look like Karen!
[looks like Karen] Why, don't be ridiculous, my husband. Bleep, blap. Of course it's me.
What have you done with Karen, you brute?!
[Karen is taped up in the kitchen]
NNat
How many times do I have to tell you? [throws the Krabby Patty away] I don't want to eat your trash! Plankton's chum is my favorite breakfast, lunch, and dinner! I love chum, so forget it! I don't want to eat anything else!
[returns to normal, and speaks in normal voice] So you're saying that you love chum? And all that you ever eat is chum?
NNat
Yeah! Th-That's right!
Call it a computer's intuition, but I sense your regular approaching, with an unusually large wad of cash.
That's right, Krabs, and you're going to have to keep looking when my customer comes in and pays me for my chum!
D'oh, just put me out of me misery!
[Nat walks in, angered]
Back for more of my delicious chum, I see!
PKPlankton and Mr. Krabs
Huh?
NNat
Not ever again! [throws all the money at Karen] The deal's off, computer! I can't eat another bite of that slop, no matter how much you pay me!
Ha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...Huh?
NNat
I have eaten 10 of those things, and I've all ready had to go to the doctor...twice! [groans in pain] If you need me, I'll be getting my stomach pumped...again. [gets carried out]
"The deal" was that I paid Nat to eat your chum, so you'd quit your constant complaining.
All this time, I never had one regular customer?
Should have known! Why would anyone ever eat my slop?
Ugh, there he goes again. Cut it out, Plankton!
What? It's just obvious that I'm a complete failure, and wasted of a lower life form! Oh, woe is me! [cries]
Quickly, now is the time to make a hasty retreat!
What, and miss this? I've never enjoyed me self more! This irony is pretty good stuff. [laughs]
Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered.
NNat
[barfs on floor] Something's not right.
PPilar
Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working.
NNat
I'm outta here. [throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]
PPilar
[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]
[To Patrick who is sleeping] Patrick!
We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas!
[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet] Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it!
[Annoyed] NO! That's not it you FOOL! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like Chum is Fum! But different.
Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. [Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]
NNat
I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"!
PPilar
Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler!
Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a fighter plane shooting bullets]
[calling on loudspeaker] Krabby Patties, brand new Krabby Patty recipe, all new, all different, all delicious, try them for free!
NNazz
You can't be serious.
[sighs] I'm so hungry, I don't care, I gotta eat something.
NNat
[touches her shoulder] Let him go, it's too late.
All new free Krabby Patties!
Hey, buddy, I'll try one. What have I got to lose? [everyone gasps as Frank eats half of the Krabby Patty] Dear Neptune Gill Sacks, this is the best thing I every put in my mouth! Yay! [Frank's shirt turns pink, then goes back to normal]
NNazz
Did he just say it was good?
[finishes the other half of the Krabby Patty] Woohoo! [Frank dances]
NNat
Wow, Frank never dances, it must be good!
[everyone eats the Krabby Patties, Henry-Bart's eyes turn into a thumbs up, money comes out of his skin]
HBHenry-Bart
I'm getting something this amazing for free! How much will this buy? [Henry-Bart throws money on SpongeBob]
Yum yum! Yum yum yum yum! Yum yuuuum! [goes like a rocket; to SpongeBob] Hey you, patty boy, take my wallet, I gotta have more! [Frank goes in the stand and takes two Krabby Patties]
NNNat and Nazz
[their heads turn into arms and give a high-five] Now that's what I'm talking about! [their heads turn back to normal, they get a briefcase from their pockets]
NNat
Here's our life savings! Just give us more Krabby Patties! [Nat and Nazz dump the money on SpongeBob]
[cut to Plankton talking on a cellphone]
Don't worry, Karen, I'll be home before lunch time. My mission here is accomplished. [laughs, and then a dollar bill lands on Plankton] Ooh. What the... huh?! [gasps]
[to the customers] No, wait! What's going on? You hate Krabby Patties, remember?
DTDump truck driver
Wowee, this thing is right tasty.
[a dump truck prepares to dump money] Uh-oh. [the money lands on Plankton]
[a helicopter dumps a bag full of money on SpongeBob. Mr. Krabs is just walking and then a dollar lands on his nose. His eyes pop out and he screams so loudly, Plankton comes out of the money]
[while running towards the mountain of money] Money, money, money, money, money, money! [Mr. Krabs jumps on the money and laughs]
We did it, Mr. Krabs! We saved the Krusty Krab! All I did was sell the same old Krabby Patties, and call them new!
Do you mind? I'm trying to make a money angel here.
Ooh, money angels! Can I make one?
Sure thing, SpongeBob. Hop in!
[Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob laugh as they make money angels; they hear a high-pitched shrill coming from Plankton screaming because Mr. Krabs is sitting on him, and stop]
Hm. Good point. [Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob continue laughing as the episode ends]
You see before you is a combination of my lifelong dream! A place of my own where I can work out everyday and anytime I want, Larry's Gym! [crowd is cheering again]
Looking out at this sea of plastic muscles and sagging flesh, frankly, I'm disgusted.
I'm now opening the gym to everyone in Bikini Bottom! [crowd cheers for the third time] ...For the price of a lifetime membership.
CCrowd
Awww! [looks down]
But today, everything is free!
[The crowd cheers and runs into gym.]
[appears with scissors through his head] You're the lobster, Larry! The Alpha Lobster!
Well, I don't know if I'll say that! [buffs up]
LRLloyd-Rich
Oh, I filled out a membership form! [hands the form to Larry]
NPNat Peterson
Me too! [hands the form to Larry]
NPNat Peterson
Um, donuts, sir?
Larry [throws away the box of donuts] "Dough" not bring those in here! In the meantime, enjoy yourself because your first visit is free!
Mr. Krabs [magically appears out of nowhere, literally] Is it true that everything is free?
That's right, sir! For your first visit, we– [Mr. Krabs runs off and disappears.] Hello? In conclusion, I'm at your service to turn anyone–anyone–into a rippling heap of muscle glory! [buffs up once more]
NPNat Peterson
Hooray for SpongeBob! He's our hero!
[The townsfolk cheer. But their cheering shakes the ladder even more.]
[The ladder crumbles and all of the trash as well as SpongeBob, Old Man Jenkins, and the townsfolk are sent crashing down to Bikini Bottom. The city is now a complete mess with trash.]
[pops out from the trash, grabs a bottle cap and a fork, and stands on Nat Peterson's head] I'm King Neptune! King of the seven seas, the lakes, rivers, puddles... [spits saliva into a spittoon] And spit too! I'm the king of spit!
KNKing Neptune
[off-screen] So you're the king of spit? [thunder roars]
[Out from the clouds, the real King Neptune appears on his chariot and he's not very happy.]
KNKing Neptune
"Uh-oh" is right.
[Old Man Jenkins stands scared as Nat Peterson, upon seeing the real King Neptune, whimpers in fear. He grabs a suitcase and runs away. King Neptune ignites his trident and zaps Old Man Jenkins, burning him to a crisp.]
I smell like toast. Am I breakfast? [bites off his hand] Needs jelly.
[comes by and notices the pile of trash. He also notices SpongeBob's hands sticking out from underneath] Hmm? [pulls out a mortally wounded SpongeBob] Ooh, well, look at that. Someone threw away a good SpongeBob standee. [laughs and throws SpongeBob in his truck-load of SpongeBob-standees] Yagh! [closes the trunk] Oof! [climbs in the truck] Ugh. [drives away with his truck, carrying SpongeBob and the standees inside]
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
