Why did I ever buy that computer wife? I need a real woman, not a girl in a cold-hearted shell. [hears Mama Krabs humming outside so he brings down his periscope on her] Such beauty. She's an angel, and no wires. I've never felt like this before. I don't even know her name and yet she's stolen my heart.
[angry] Plankton! You've fallen in love with another woman?! I'm your wife!
You're a W.I.F.E. [pulls out a chart] Wired Integrated Female Electroencephalograph.
Oh, you always pull that one out! [mocking voice] "You're not a real wife, you're just a computer!"
[sighing] Why don't you have an "off" switch? [sees it and smiles]
Plankton, don't you dare... [turns off]
And now to woo that beloved creature.
[pulls rose away from his body] Hello, my dear. I must say you look ravishing tonight.
BBetsy
[notices Plankton] Oh, my. You're a tiny thing, but awfully cute. [sits down in a chair that SpongeBob has brought to her] Tell me about yourself.
Well, I'm in the food service business. I'm a bit of a restaurateur. I'm the founder and owner of the Chum Bucket.
BBetsy
Never heard of it.
[points to the Chum Bucket] It's across the street.
BBetsy
Doesn't ring a bell.
Plankton [shows her the back of a phone book with a picture of him and the Chum Bucket] It's on the back of the phone book! Come on! I paid a lotta money for that ad! [puts the book away] Never mind, never mind. I'd like to hear about you.
[jumps in the air] SpongeBob!
This delectable creature is your mother?
This no-good conniving chiseler is your date?!
And this devilishly handsome sponge is your waiter.
[barges in the Chum Bucket] You!
I came to warn you, Plankton. Stay away from me mother! I know what you're really up to.
I'm serious, Eugene. I've changed my ways. And all it took was the love of a beautiful woman.
All you like is thieving and conniving. Now, stop trying to get the formula out of me mother!
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about the Krabby Patty formula!
Your mother knows the Krabby Patty formula?
Don't play stupid with me. Of course she does. It's an old Krabs family recipe, and you're not family! [Plankton frowns] I'm telling you for the last time - stay away from me mother. [walks out]
Not family, eh? I can fix that.
[walks in angrily] Too old for an action movie. Huh!
What is it this time, kid?
Are you aware Drippy Brothers Studio is making the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie?
They can't be making a movie about us!
But they are, and they're using... [snap to a live-action close-up of his mouth] ...actors. [the heroes gasp] They have shunned our heroes.
And they weren't nice to them either.
[sobs] Now our dreams of being big screen heroes will never come true.
Well, that makes it even worse.
[puts his hands on Mermaid Man's back] You bet it does, kid.
And the worst part is...I can't remember why I started crying. [sobs some more]
Why don't we just make our own movie?
Patrick, once again, you have exposed your brilliance. We'll make a real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie, right here at Shady Shoals.
Yes, and in doing so, we will right the wrong done to you by the evil Drippy Brother Studios and... [same close-up of his mouth from before] ...their actors.
[jumps on top of the table] Vindication is ours! Vindi...How did I get up here?
Everything's ruined! Well, at least we got the footage!
[notices something] Patrick, what is that?
[takes off lens cap] No, Patrick. This! [points at the lens cap]
[surprised] Did you just put that on?!
No, I didn't want to lose it, so I put it there right before we started filming.
[SpongeBob screams, Patrick becomes confused and watches SpongeBob go insane, he scoots his butt on the ground much to Squidward and Mr. Krabs' shock, lifts up piece of ground, and eats worms on bottom side. Patrick, Sandy and Pearl gasp.]
[sobbing] The movie's ruined! We can't make a movie!
Whoo-wee, there you boys are. Looks like I'm just in time.
SSSpongeBob/Squidward
Sandy?
One blast of this Molecular Separator Ray and you'll be separated for good.
[SpongeBob and Squidward try to tell Sandy not to blast them, but was too late, she blasts the ray at Squidward and SpongeBob and it separates them. Crowd gasps]
[SpongeBob gives him back his clarinet] Hmph. [plays clarinet off-key making SpongeBob cheer for him, but the audience hates it as they block their ears, Old Man Jenkins faints off his chair]
I think I'm going to be sick.
[Squidward blows his clarinet at Billy which blows his skin off and shows his skeleton]
Huh, no wait. Wait! [everyone leaves] Oh, my one moment of fame gone. [grabs the Molecular Separator Ray] There's got to be some way to reverse this. [pushes the button over and over]
No, Squidward! That's a very sensitive device!
[The Molecular Separator Ray blasts into the final scene]
TTherapist
[talking to Squidward] So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Tentacles?
It all started when I was born.
[The camera zooms out revealing SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, Sandy, Mrs. Puff, Larry, and Pearl, all joined into Squidward's body in a horrifying, Cronenbergian mass as the episode ends]
[Towards the end of the episode, Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward wind up in the hospital. Mr. Krabs is alarmed to see at how high their medical bill is]
You're not going to have a heart attack, are you?
Not at these prices. Forget hotels, this hospital wreck's where the money is.
Pack your bags, boys, you're going to medical school.
PSPatrick and SpongeBob
Hooray!
FMr. Fitz
Well, if there was a "destroy the city" part of the test, you would have.
[takes pants off SpongeBob's head] The nerve of some people.
FMr. Fitz
Sorry, SpongeBob, you failed again. Even our finest instructor could not teach you. Mrs. Puff, you're hired again.
[at boating school] Hey, Mrs. Puff! Sorry I'm "unteachable."
It's okay. Mr. Fitz gave me my teaching certificate back. [sniffles, holds up a burnt, charred object] And your dossier was destroyed in the explosion, [voice breaking] so it's as if you never failed.
I got you a welcome back gift, Mrs. Puff. [shows name tag] I found all the pieces and glued them back together. I promise it won't take me a million tries this time.
[Mrs. Puff puts her head down on her desk and begins to sob quietly, and the name tag shatters as the episode ends]
PProfessor Percy
Well, Miss Cheeks, I must say you have exceeded expectations.
RLord Reginald
It may be the extreme head trauma I've suffered, but I am going to offer you a 20-year contract with a substantial pay raise.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Hooray!
PProfessor Percy
I expect great things out of you, Miss Cheeks. Great things.
RLord Reginald
Perhaps you could put your talents toward that automatic poop-throwing machine that's eluded us for so long.
MDr. Marmalade
Now, now, one miracle at a time.
Well, the only thing left is to figure out what to do with this infernal contraption.
My turn. [sits on his invention] Whoo-hoo! [machine turns on and he screams] All right!
[green fog passes by his ship while he steers his ship] Curse this cursed, ghostly fog. I can barely see past me own nose. [gas is sprayed in his eyes] Urrgh! [screams after noticing the unseen cliff, only seen seconds after; then the ship is split in half after it runs into a cliff. The Flying Dutchman falls down the cliff, falling through a basketball hoop before hitting the ground; the ship falls onto of him into pieces then he crawls out] Me ship. [his ship turns into dust. His hat floats gently down, and he picks it up. He then gets out his cell phone to dial the Roadside Assistance] Hello, Roadside Assistance? I've got a bit of a flat! My location where I'll be staying? Business or residence? [sees SpongeBob go into his house] Residence.
I'm stuck here while me ship is being repaired. 'Til then, I'm here to haunt ya!
