[runs out of Squidward's closet] Dutchie, it worked! You got your scare back.
And me confidence, too. Now I feel like I can scare the living criminy out of anybody! All thanks to you, my boy.
And, maybe your ship will be repaired soon.
Actually, I have a confession, SpongeBob. My ship's been done for 3 months now. Well, it was nice roomin' with ya. [flies back up to his ship] Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I left you a little something for all your trouble. Now, it's time for me to ruin more souls. [ships sails off]
[opens the package; a hand grabs him, eats him, and belches] Hahaha! Good Ol' Dutchie.
[approaches Mr. Krabs] Tell me you've got something totally coral planned for my birthday party.
Now, now, don't snap your mizzenmast. Everything is all set. Why, I've already got the party favors, bubble wrap! [pops the bubble wrap] This year's gonna be a blast!
Daddy! You've ruined all my birthday parties, but you better not ruin this one. Now promise me you won't be cheap!
Good, because I made a list. [list rolls out of the Krusty Krab and down the road. Mr Krabs rolls it up] Now I want everything on this list at my party. [kisses her father and runs out] Bye! I'll be at the mall with my friends.
Wait, don't leave! My dad got Boys Who Cry to play! You did get Boys Who Cry, right? [glaring crossed-arms at her dad]
Oh, even better, sweetie. (You're not only the Boys Who Cry fan.) Hit it!
[Curtain unfolds as R & B Music begins to play with Squidward standing on the stage]
Hello, ladies. [sings "It's all about you"]' When my tear ducts get issue, I can't use just any tissue... I need 4-Ply, 4-Ply, 4-Ply, when I cry... Huh!
F2Friend 2
Hey, that is not Boys Who Cry!
[Cut to Squidward shaking his rear end]
F1Friend 1
What a rip-off!
Daddy, how could you?! I... gave... you... a list! [runs out crying]
[The crowd throws tomatoes, eggs and Pearl's meat head at Squidward]
You've ruined everything! You couldn't stop being cheap, even for me! [cries]
I'll make it up to you somehow, Pearl.
[suddenly walks into frame] That's it! Back it up... Right there. Let 'er go!
[A delivery truck with all the gifts SpongeBob bought dump onto them]
I did? I mean... I (really) did!?
Oh, daddy! I don't know how it could get better than this.
Just watch. Hit it, boys.
[scene cuts to SpongeBob and Sandy walking toward their boat]
Sandy, I'm sorry I acted like a jerk back there. Thanks for saving me from... [swallows hard] buying a condo.
Aw, shucks, SpongeBob, that's what friends are for.
I still have one question, though. Does this mean I'm not King of Karate anymore?
You are in my book, SpongeBob. You are in my book. Now let me tell you about real estate. It's all about location... [boat drives off as another boat, carrying Squidward, arrives]
I'm here! The King of Clarinets has arrived! [Master Udon is waiting on top of the rocks again]
Well, we better get back to work.
Work? How can I go back to work without Spat?!
[shocked with spinning spiral eyes] What?! There is only one spatula for me, and that is Spat. Spat, wait up! Spat! [runs off to the hospital] I'm coming, Spat! [scene cuts to the hospital where SpongeBob is by Spatula's bed] Oh, Spat, we've been through so much together.
[SpongeBob flashes back to all the good times he had with his spatula: flipping patties, laying in the sun with Spatula, scratching his back with Spatula, playing ping pong with his spatula, reaching under the chair for the remote with spatula, and playing pirates with Spatula]
DDoctor
There's no easy way to say this. SpongeBob, if I were you, I would give serious consideration to start thinking about...a replacement spatula. [SpongeBob turns around and starts to cry, then turns back around] Go home. Get some rest. We'll try to do everything we can.
DDoctor
Oh, I'm not a doctor. I'm an actor who's searching for a role. Yes! Woohoo! I am so totally gonna get this part. [sighs happily]
Spatula, what's wrong? [Spat shakes its head] But I didn't mean to betray you. Mr. Krabs needed a replacement. Krabby Patties don't flip themselves, you know. It was a moment of weakness! I'm sorry! Oh, what have I done?! What have I done?! [begins crying and rolls]
S2SpongeBob 2
[comes up] All that glitters is not gold. [goes down]
[SpongeBob is still crying on the floor. Spatula considers this, lowers its head, and wheels itself away]
Good-bye, best friend. [crawls crying all the way to the Krusty Krab kitchen] I'll never find another spatula like him again. [notices Spatula flipping patties by itself] Spatula? You're back! [jumps for Spatula in slow motion, the camera cuts to outer space] Oh, Spatula, now that we're together again, nothing will ever separate us.
[Back at the Krusty Krab]
One monster Krabby Patty.
[The same real set of hands put a bunch of meat on the grill as before]
Okay, buddy, we can do this. Ready? One, two, three. [this time, instead of the spatula breaking again, his arms come off] D'oh! [laughs at the audience]
[shoves Patrick] Stop pushing me Patrick.
You mean like this? [shoves Squidward]
No like this! [shoves Patrick]
[both Patrick and Squidward are fighting] You shouldn't fight in here. This is a magical place.
[Scene zooms to outside the well]
Patrick, get off of me! [scene zooms back into the well where Patrick is sitting on Squidward] I told you I am claustrophobic!
Nice try, Squidward, but there's no Santa Claus here.
You'll never get me to believe in magic, never! Just to prove it to ya, I'll demonstrate. [dropping a penny in the well] I wish I was steamed and served with a side of melted butter! [laughs]
Mr. Krabs, NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Well, where's your magic now? [disappears into thin air and appears as a real steamed crab on a plate] Oh... where am I? What's going on here? [A person behind him lays out melted butter and puts on a bib reading "THE END"] Uh-oh. I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! Oh, no!
[episode ends]
Exactly! They've all been just attempts. And every single one a miserable failure. I can feel my arteries clogging up with anxiety just thinking about it. [sighs] Let me show you something. [scene cuts to them walking into the Chum Bucket, which is full of spider webs] Look at this place!
[runs into a spider web and screams] Criminy, Plankton, you ever heard of spring cleaning?
What's the point? Do you know when the last time I had a customer was?
Actually, I don't recall you ever having a customer.
Well, there he is. [points to rat skeleton on the table] That's why I've decided to quit the restaurant business altogether, and turn the Chum Bucket into... [pulls out a box of knick knacks] this!
[Mr Krabs walking into the Chumporium. Plankton is dusting off his knickknacks]
Ah. A clean snow globe is a happy snow globe. [laughs]
Plankton! You may have fooled everyone else, you might have even fooled yourself, but you ain't fooling me.
Oh, I get it. You caught me red-handed. [laughs then sighs] Those were the days, huh, Eugene?
But I found there more to life than just trying to steal your formula. And I found it all right here in novelty items.
Ah, Eugene. Stuck in your old ways.
Bubkes! If there's one thing certain in this world, it's that you can't resist me formula. [takes out the formula] You know you want it.
A-ha, I knew it. [chuckles] It was all a trick to get me to hand over...Wait, did you say no?
Well, if you don't believe me, that's your problem not mine.
Problem?! I don't have a problem! You're the one with the problem! Look at this. It means nothing. It's all a facade, a hoax, a con, a front... [throws a shelf down; Plankton gasps] ...A sham, a snow job... [throwing the snow globes onto the ground and breaking them] ...Bologna with a side of flimflam and an order of Jive! [smashes the lava lamps with the baseball bat] See?! Who's the one with the problem?!
Look what you've done. This is my livelihood.
Sure it is. And this isn't the formula that you don't want. Come on, eh? Eh? Oop, too slow. [chuckles tauntingly]
[lividly bellowing] Get out!
[gasps] Oh, I get it. Stick to your guns, and eventually we'll all believe it. Soften us up and when our backs are turned, you'll make your move. [drops the formula] Oops. [walks out of the Chumporium]
What's this? [groans] Hey, Krabs!
You forgot something. [throws the formula back at Mr. Krabs] Can't you understand I've wasted so much time chasing after you? And now I have something that's mine. And it makes me happy. [walks back into the Chumporium]
[realizing that Plankton was telling the truth] I never thought I'd see the day. What happened to the invertebrate I used to know? [becoming upset] Plankton? [cries loudly, he runs across the road and falls down crying some more]
[to Gary] All those people think you're a monster. But I know you're just a snail.
[SpongeBob pets Gary, who suddenly meows and snarls savagely and bites SpongeBob's arm, causing everyone to gasp.]
[in tears] Gary... how could you?! [Gary meows ferociously]
SpongeBob's been infected by his own pet snail. Oh, the irony! Quick, we must quarantine that infected snail before he bites every last Bikini Bottomite. Let's get the snail!
BBBikini Bottomites
YEAH!
[An angry mob forms and everyone takes out jellyfish nets and torches. SpongeBob gasps.]
It's for his own good, SpongeBob.
No! I won't let you touch Gary!
Stop the madness, man! The mad snail disease ends now. SEIZE THE SNAIL!
