South Park · Season 2
Sharon,
Yes Hun?
There's a policeman being held prisoner in our basement.
Yes, Hun, I had to restrain him so he wouldn't find the bodies in the back yard and take our baby away.
Why did you take his pants off?
Sharon doesn't reply
... Sh ... Sharon ... Why did you take his pants off?
[singing] You guys are hella-stupid, you guys are hella-lame, you guys are hella-dumb, hella, hella, hella!
Damn it!
[coming down the stairs with his friends and Elvin] My family sucks ass!
Yeah, they do!
All families suck ass!
This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. If it isn't Palmoral, you're going to get cancer.
You can't go around buying people off, Mr. Potter. Do you know what you are? You're a little bitch. That's right, you're a bitch and I bet you'd like to suck it, now wouldn't you?
I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.
That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous.
How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff. [a display is seen of Mr. Hankey caps, T-shirts, cups, figurines, and posters]
Mr. Hankey kicks ass!
And another thing: it says that Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads Mall!
So?
So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and in another mall at the same time?
Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He can do whatever he wants. [Charlie Manson and Kenny stare at each other. The line moves up]
[to Kenny] How would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?
(Okay) [they walk off]
I really like that guy.
Oh, it looks like you finished your Fudgecicle, Elvin.
[Elvin looks at his hands and actually realize that he finished his fudgesicle, then begins to cry, demanding another one]
Ah damnit, be quiet, Elvin!
[Elvin is still crying]
Shut up, Elvin!
[grabs a stick from out of nowhere and hits him on the back of the head. Elvin is now catatonic, but manages a blink]
No, Elvin, BAD Elvin! [seeing that Elvin is not responding, he looks around]
Okay, we have to do this stupid report, so...
Tweek [anxiously twitching]: Uuuunnnnhh! Unh, unh, unh, ur-hmm! Urr-hmm-hmm!
Aah!! Too much pressure!!
Great. Lotta help you are, kid.
The Gnomes!
What?
We can do our report on the Gnomes.
Phase one: collect underpants. Phase two: [silence] Phase three: profit!
Mr. Postum, you have a lot to learn about making coffee.
And you don't? Your coffee tastes like 3 day-old moldy diarrhea!
[Tweek is worried about his family becoming poor]
You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and they're on welfare. Right, Kenny?
Fuck you!
Heh-heh, you suck, Kenny.
[An Underpants Gnomes's cart has just flattened Kenny]
[rushed and monotone] Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
[same tone] You bastards. [to the Underpants Gnome] Listen, we have to give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers!
Holy shit, we killed your friend!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, we got to know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed!
Christ, we squished him like a bug!
Shh. Don't scare him.
Hey, there, little guy.
BAD. [hits the Underpants Gnome with a stick]
Cartman!
What?!
Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?
Well look at him. He's all... look at him. [hits the Gnome with the stick again]
Is that all you got, pussy?
What?!
Hey, he talked!
Not much longer now....
Oh, you're taking us to your little pussy house?
No, pussy, I'm taking you to my village!
Oh, your pussy village?
Cartman, will you just shut up and let him show us?
Good job, Cartman, you killed Kyle!
[muffled] You bastard!
Well, he shouldn't have called me fat!
Why the hell not? That's like calling the sky blue!
Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
